


Bittersweet Latte

by Sandylee007



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Barista Alec Lightwood, Camille Belcourt Being An Asshole, Closeted Alec Lightwood, Coffee Shops, Communication, Dancer Magnus Bane, Drama, Dubious Consent, Emotional Baggage, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Face Slapping, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Healing, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Internalized Homophobia, Love, M/M, Manipulative Camille Belcourt, Mutual Pining, Past Child Abuse, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Magnus Bane, Slow Burn Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Strained Friendships, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-01-21 13:51:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 66,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21300506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandylee007/pseuds/Sandylee007
Summary: REAL LIFE AU MALEC(Magnus and Alec are the same age)Alec returns to New York after three years, a dropout with absolutely no clue what to do with his life. He ends up working at a café where meets Magnus, his former friend. And realizes that some old, secret feelings are far from gone. Little does he know what horrors Magnus is going through at home...MENTIONS/DESCRIPTION OF DOMESTIC ABUSE
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt
Comments: 476
Kudos: 480
Collections: Best Malec stories





	1. Two Lost Men

**Author's Note:**

> This story-idea nagged at me relentlessly. So, here we are. (rolls eyes at oneself) Yay?
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I only own DVDs and an over-active imagination. (POUTS)
> 
> WARNINGS: People in bad mental places... Broken friendship... A seriously screwed up relationship... Uh, are you still there...?
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _By the age of twelve Magnus was well used to bullies. They’d been on his case since he started school. First because his mother killed herself, then because he was an orphan. And because he was the weird kid who liked books and dancing. It got progressively worse after he started using makeup and refused to stop because of a few idiots._

_Magnus hated the verbal and physical blows. But he was used to them, because even the teachers didn’t seem to do a thing to stop them and they were a part of his daily life. He wasn’t used to someone defending him._

_“Hey!” a voice snarled just when a fist struck his right cheek. “Leave him alone!” He was too dizzy to look, but heard a few shouts and punches. Then a hand was offered to him. “Are you okay?”_

_“Yeah. Just... sore. Thanks.” Magnus took the hand and lifted his gaze to meet the prettiest boy he’d ever seen. He cleared his throat while getting up. “Thank you, really. But... You shouldn’t have done that for me. They’ll go straight to the principal.” He didn’t want the taller kid to get into a trouble._

_The stranger shrugged. “Let them. I wasn’t going to stand by and watch them attacking you, like everyone else.” The boy then seemed to become aware of how close to each other they were, and blushed. “I’m... I’m Alec.”_

_It’d been a truly terrible day, but perhaps it was getting better. Magnus smiled. “Magnus.”_

_Alec was expelled for a few days. But it was worth it. Until the end of high school they were inseparable. For embarrassingly long Magnus entertained the thought that he’d found his knight in shining armor. He even called Alec that a few times, which made the boy blush radiantly. Almost until prom night he harbored hopes that he’d found someone who wouldn’t break his heart._ /

/

Settling back to New York after having been away for three years... It was a strange experience. While Alec had always known that time wouldn’t stop to his departure, he was overwhelmed by how much had changed.

The city seemed bigger and a great deal more chaotic.

The school he used to go to had been closed.

There was an apartment building where his favorite restaurant used to be.

Jace was engaged to a girl his brother intended to love and cherish for the rest of his life.

Izzy had a boyfriend and she was studying to become a coroner, and took both commitments seriously.

His mom was in a happy relationship with a man who’d been just a family friend.

And Alec? A perfectionist whose only goal in life used to be making his parents proud? He was a dropout, back in the city with absolutely no idea what to do with himself and his life.

While trying to figure out what his next step should be Alec needed money and something to occupy his endless supply of time. Seeing that the café which used to be his favorite was hiring, he made his most rational decision in ages. It definitely wasn’t what he wanted to do for decades, but it was far better than nothing. Besides, he liked the place’s new owner Maia.

Alec knew that he was a mess. And made a mess of his life. His only questionable comfort was that many of the people he knew before leaving weren’t there to see him.

Except for the one he dreaded encountering the most – and one day fate was in a playful mood.

Two months after his return to the city a bell above the café’s door chimed. Heavy but elegant steps entered before freezing. “Alexander?”

The best kind of shivers ran down Alec’s spine. It was far too long from when he’d last been called that. Slowly, struggling to pull himself together, he turned around. It was incredibly hard to hide that he could barely breathe. “Hey”, he managed. Suddenly he was very glad that there were no other customers present to witness him at his most awkward.

Magnus... looked amazing. Perfect makeup and hair, clothes as though straight out of the pages of those magazines Izzy studied like the Bible... A pair of dark eyes stared at him in astonishment. “Hey.” The man gave himself a little shake. “I’m... sorry about that. I’m back, now. It’s just... a surprise to see you here.”

Alec tried and failed to make his shrug nonchalant. “Boston and studying law didn’t work for me. I mean... It was always more of my dad’s dream.” Something about Magnus still loosened his tongue. “So... Here I am.”

“Here you are”, Magnus echoed quietly. There was a non-physical distance between them both men hated. “I’m... sorry that it didn’t work out. Is Lydia also in New York, or are you trying to make it work long distance?”

Alec was too confused to feel self-conscious. At least for a moment. “Lydia?” Yes, they were still friends. But why would she have followed him to New York?

“The happy news of your engagement carried all the way here”, Magnus explained, his tone and expression unreadable.

Alec stared in bafflement for a few seconds. Then shook his head. “No! That’s just stupid gossip.” It was a little embarrassing how much like a shriek that was. “Lydia’s a great friend. But she’s never been and will never be more than that.” He went on under his breath, unable to stop himself. “Lydia and I getting engaged was more of my dad’s dream, too.”

Magnus’ eyebrow arched. “Well. I’m certain that you’ll find the right person eventually.” The man didn’t ask more. For which Alec was immensely glad. “Mocha latte to go.”

It took a while before Alec realized that he just received an order. And remembered that they were at an actual café, with him behind the register. He kept talking while preparing the coffee because he didn’t like the loaded silence that’d fallen. “So... What about your life?”

“I’m able to dance for a living, now.” It hadn’t registered how joyless Magnus’ once expressive and lively eyes had been until thrill sparked. “I even teach a couple of classes.”

Alec couldn’t help but smile at the other’s excitement. “That sounds amazing! Didn’t I always tell you that one day you’d get your big break.”

Magnus’ eyes softened and filled with something like nostalgia. “I... must confess that you were an inspiration. Even if we haven’t been in contact. No one’s ever believed in me quite the way you did.” It seemed that this time the dancer felt like he’d said too much.

What joy had flickered died a cruel death when Alec offered the latte. And noticed that there was a special ring among others on the hand grabbing it. “I... guess congratulations are in order.” Why did the sight of that stupid engagement ring feel like a slap?

The expression that took over Magnus’ face for just a second baffled him. Whatever it was, it disappeared before he could determine whether he only imagined it. “It was good see you.” More money than the coffee's worth was left before Alec could protest. And just like that the man was walking away.

Which wasn’t something Alec was ready for. “Magnus, wait!” He swallowed bravely past the tightness of his throat when their eyes met. “I... I’m sorry, that we lost contact.” Maybe it was the distance, their busy schedules or the unwanted feelings he wrestled to get rid of. But little by little the messages and calls between them became fewer. Until he realized that somewhere along the way he’d lost Magnus. Which was ironic, because it was what he’d been trying to keep from happening by avoiding the dancer until his stupid crush would go away. His crush remained – their friendship faded away.

Magnus blinked once. Then shrugged. “It does take two for that to happen. So... I’m sorry, too.” A wave of a hand, and the man was at the café’s door. “Goodbye, Alexander.” That... stung. They were never able to say goodbye, not even before Alec moved away.

Alec swallowed hard, again, when the door closed. His heart was simultaneously fluttering and crushed brutally. He had no idea what his face was doing. “Goodbye”, he muttered to no one.

/

As soon as Magnus made it home he took a long, scalding hot shower. Trying to banish old, ages ago buried desires and feelings. Trying to burn away the fool’s hope attempting to light up in his heart.

Alec never was the knight in shining armor from fairytales. Alec wasn’t there when he broke his leg badly and it was unclear whether he’d ever dance again. Alec wasn’t there to drink with him when his heart was broken one time too many. Alec wasn’t there when Ragnor died and the aftermath crushed his once close group of friends. Alec wasn’t there when the dark thoughts in his head got too much.

Alec wasn’t his friend anymore. Or ‘the one that got away’, because that would’ve implied that he had Alec at some point. And Alec sure as hell would never fall in love with him. Because Alec was straight. And now he was back to complicate Magnus’ life and make a mess of his head just when he’d imagined that he’d moved on properly.

The shower did little to help. Magnus was in a sour mood when he sauntered from the bathroom to the loft’s kitchen, yearning for something sharper than water. He tensed up and realized that his day was only getting worse when he found Camille waiting. There was a glass of chardonnay in front of her and his phone in her hand.

“You just got an interesting message from some... Alexander.” Camille didn’t sound or seem upset, but amused and pitying. That stung worse. She tilted her head. “’_I don’t know if this is still your number, but I had to try. Like I said, I’m sorry we lost contact. Maybe you can stop by at the café again? The next latte would be on me._’”

Magnus didn’t want to deal with her shifty emotions. Not when his own heart was raw and achy. “He’s a former friend I ran into today.”

Camille’s eyebrow bounced high up. “Friend?” she repeated like the word was a mockery. “One of those you’ve fucked?” Revealing to her that he was bisexual was one of his biggest mistakes. She’d been hyper sensitive ever since. Likely imagined that he’d bedded anyone he talked with for longer than two minutes.

Magnus snorted. Ignoring the voice in his head screaming a warning that he should’ve known better. “Unlike you, I haven’t slept with every ‘_friend_’ of mine.”

The hard, vicious slap at his face came so swiftly that Magnus had no hope of seeing it coming. Shock made it sting even more. Fire erupted from his cheek and he pressed a hand against it, dazed.

Camille was cruel far more often than he would’ve cared to admit, but she’d never struck his face before.

“Do not get smart with me!” Camille’s eyes flashed. “Because if I get tired of your attitude, you’ll have no one left.” (She’d done her best to ensure that by practically isolating him from his few remaining friends.) “No one else is ever going to love you. Be grateful that I tolerate you.”

A tiny, constantly weakening voice inside Magnus tried to tell him that she was wrong. But what Camille just said had been hammered to his skull since he was a child. By far too many people, each of them delivering the message in their own way.

Bullies who seemed to think that he was the most amusing joke in the world with their fists, kicks and never-ending taunts.

His stepfather, bodily and with words that got far deeper under his skin than they should’ve.

His mother, who killed herself because she couldn’t live with having given birth to something like him.

A parade of partners. With words he would never be able to forget, no matter how hard he’d try. Or with mornings when he woke up to an empty bed and, if he was a lucky, a message. Sometimes they didn’t even bother to wait until the morning. Or then he was the one leaving. Leaving and getting left behind were kinder, though. Otherwise those lovers either used his body and money until they had enough, or simply decided that he was too much or too little. Too needy. Too broken.

Camille had stayed, despite knowing exactly what he was. She hurt him constantly, physically and emotionally, but she stayed. She was the only one of those to whom he’d offered his heart who’d ever stayed, and so little was enough to make him love her desperately. Even though she was an anchor dragging him down. Even though he knew, even in their best moments, that she’d never love him the way he loved her. She laughed at him when he professed his feelings, once. He’d never tried that again since. He was almost sure that she only said ‘yes’ when he proposed because she wanted the ring. He proposed because her twisted kind of love was the only kind he deserved and would ever get.

Camille rolled her eyes at him. “Stop looking like a kicked puppy. You’re a man, so pull yourself together like one. Use that bottle of whiskey I know you’ve hidden behind the utensils drawer for help if you have to.” She stretched before starting to make her way towards their bedroom. “Then come to bed with the brown box. I need to blow off some steam.”

/

That night Magnus and Camille had sex that had no romance to it, only pure, animalistic lust.

Meanwhile Alec headed home with takeaway he didn’t actually like and tried to ignore the dull ache in his heart.

The following day Magnus covered a bruise Camille gave him with makeup. Alec crawled out of the bed to go to work, although all he wanted to do was stay under the covers and sleep. Both men kept casting longing glances towards their phones.


	2. The Painful Pursuit of Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the end of a horrible day Alec and Magnus have a much-needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH! I’m FLOORED by the reception this story earned! You guys REALLY seem to want this to continue. Soooo... Ta-da! (grins)
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments, love and support! I can’t believe how much you enjoyed the first chapter. (HUGS) I really hope that this second chapter won’t disappoint, either.
> 
> Awkay, folks. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _One morning roughly two months after they first met Magnus was clearly sad. Alec could tell, even if he’d often been ridiculed for how bad he was at reading social cues and the emotions of others. He tried to ask about it, but obviously he did it all wrong because he made his friend even sadder._

_Alec wanted to help, badly. But he had no idea how. Until he found a treehouse near where he lived. Excitement bubbling in his chest, he took Magnus there when the boy was visiting to study. (They never studied at Magnus’ home. Alec didn’t mind, but it confused him.)_

_“I haven’t shown this to anyone else”, he revealed while they approached the place. “I just... I thought that it’d be nice to have a place just for us. On days when the world is too much.” It sounded stupid, now that he said it out loud._

_Magnus seemed to disagree. The boy’s eyes softened. “That sounds like a wonderful idea.” (Magnus was the only person Alec knew who used words like ‘wonderful’. It made the child sound at least thrice his age. Alec found it adorable. Just like too many other things about his friend.)_

_The ladder up hadn’t been used for a while but proved steady enough. As soon as they made it there they sat down, to admire the display of sunlight sparkling on a tiny lake in the middle of a park. It really was perfect._

_After a while Magnus leaned on him, resting his head against his shoulder. It felt so good that Alec wasn’t sure what to think. Until he noticed how utterly exhausted the other appeared and frowned. “Are you okay?”_

_“Hmm.” Which didn’t exactly answer the question. “I just wish that we could stay here forever.”_ /

/

Maryse Garroway loved her children more than anything else in the whole world. But she was also the first to admit that parenting wasn’t easy, and that she’d made a lot of mistakes over the years. She and Izzy had always butted heads because her only daughter was a little too similar to her when she was young. Izzy was her wild child, who’d caused her great many sleepless nights. Jace, her adopted golden boy... It took far too long before she managed to open her heart to him, and their bond still wasn’t as strong as she would’ve liked. His intense mental and emotional growing pains were a horrific turmoil on them both. Max, her precious youngest... He was his father’s son, deeply bonded to Robert and too young to fully understand their divorce. He loved her, but she wondered with a heavy heart if he’d ever stop blaming her for his family falling apart.

Alec, her oldest... Who never made noise of himself, starting from the day he was born without making a sound... Who stretched himself thin to be the perfect son and brother... He worried her the most. Because she could see the weight of the world he was piling on his shoulders and wondered anxiously when it’d crush him. She feared how badly Alec would hurt when he’d finally figure out that no one could be perfect – and if the day of that bitter lesson had already come.

That weight was even heavier than usual on him while they braced themselves for a dinner to which the whole family would participate. It’d be the first time Robert and Alec would meet since her son’s return. She could see the stress it caused.

“Alec.” Her eyes softened when she saw how unnaturally steady and stiff his hands were. “You do know that your father and I will always be proud of you, don’t you? Even if you flounder before finding your place in the world. No matter what your heart chooses to desire.” She stopped herself before voicing things he wasn’t ready to hear. “We’ll always love you.”

Alec’s tiny nod came with a delay, and seemed forced. “I know.” His tone made it impossible to determine if he actually believed her. He cleared his throat. “My break’s over. I... have to get back to work.” He was already walking away when something crossed his mind. “Mama? I love you, too.” He meant it, she knew. He didn’t say things like that lightly.

He was barely twenty-two. Yet his eyes were decades older. Not for the first time Maryse wished that she would’ve been able to shield him from the whole world.

Unfortunately some of Alec’s fears were realized that evening. Because Robert opened the dinner in the middle of a restaurant with a hard look at him. “Would you care to explain to me why I had to hear from an old friend of mine that you’ve dropped your studies?” Her ex-husband barreled on before she could stop him. “You were doing so well! Alec, what the hell were you thinking?”

Almost any other evening Alec might’ve just taken the harsh words. But that day... Something broke. “I was thinking about trying to be happy. That hasn’t worked out well.” If anything he seemed miserable. “Now let’s focus on the dinner instead of how badly I’ve screwed up my life.”

Robert said very little after that, Alec even less. Maryse barely managed to hold back her tears until she was in Luke’s arms. Hearing that her son wasn’t happy... It would’ve shattered any proper parent’s heart.

There was something Maryse missed, because she was busy fighting with Robert. (With Max watching. Wasn’t their divorce supposed to spare him from that?) When Alec dashed out after barely eating Izzy and Jace followed. The three siblings exchanged a tight, almost desperate hug. For a few stolen moments the weight of the world wasn’t her oldest’s alone to carry.

/

There was a time when Catarina and Magnus were inseparable. When they spent a ridiculous amount of time together and shared everything. Those days... They felt like such a long time ago. They hardly ever met anymore despite living in the same city.

The anniversary of Ragnor’s death made an exception.

Magnus was already at the grave when she arrived, carrying white lilies. Neither of them spoke while she lay down the flowers and wiped her eyes. They could practically feel each other’s pain.

“He’d ridicule us for being sentimental idiots.” Magnus’ eyes seemed darker than usual from grief. “I miss him, Cat.”

“Me too.” She glanced towards the dancer, who was so close yet seemed to be somewhere a million miles away. “And I miss you, too.”

Magnus looked down, guilt great and heavy on his frame. “I know. I’m... I’m sorry.”

Catarina shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize.” Something told her that their estrangement wasn’t his wish. “But you do know that you can tell me if there’s something wrong, right? I want to be there for you.”

Magnus seemed to be at a loss of words. In the end he didn’t have to answer, because his phone chimed. She didn’t like the look the message brought on his face. And she definitely didn’t like the large, dark bruise marring his wrist. Her brows furrowed. “How did you hurt yourself?”

Magnus hid the injury like he’d been scalded, face paling a fraction. “Dancing accident.” He spun around and began to leave hurriedly. “I have to go. Give sweet pea a hug for me, will you?” He didn’t give her enough time to reply.

Catarina watched his retreating back with a heavy heart before making her decision. She took her phone and dialed a number she hadn’t used in a while. “Raphael, hey. Do you think we could meet? There’s something we have to talk about.”

A few hours later she sent Magnus a message. Hearing his voice might’ve made her feel better, but usually he didn’t pick up during evening hours. ‘_Just so you know, I’ll never stop being your friend. Especially when you need me. Whatever is going on in that busy head of yours, let me know. Anytime. I’ll always be here, with chocolate ice-cream._’ (Which used to be their favorite comfort food.) ‘_Because I’m your best friend and I love you. No matter what._’

Magnus didn’t send anything back. She hoped that he got the message, anyway. And believed it.

Catarina didn’t know that Camille found the message first. She snorted at it, like it was a bad joke. Then deleted it.

/

There was a place Alec used to go to when he was upset. Back then he was a kid. Now his sorrows were greater and heavier. But the secret hideout called out to him just like it did in the past. He could only hope that it still existed.

Alec was a little shocked to discover that the treehouse not only existed, but was also in a practically perfect condition. Like someone had looked after it over the years. Embarrassingly relieved, he climbed up. Funny how the journey was far shorter and less exciting as an adult.

Nostalgia rushed through Alec in a flood of warmth while he looked around. The ladder... Six tin-soldiers he encountered as soon as he made it up, which were jokingly called guards... The makeshift table, really just a flat stone, on which he once played cards with... “Magnus?” It took several seconds before he recovered enough to say more. “What are you doing here?”

The newest shock was perhaps the greatest. Because unlike he’d anticipated, Alec wasn’t about to wallow in his misery alone. In the shadows another figure sat, shockingly small for someone who was actually a tall man. Magnus seemed equally surprised to see him. “The same thing as you, I presume”, the dancer replied quietly. “I... needed a moment. This is still a good place for that.”

Alec nodded. “Yeah.” Hesitantly, unsure if his presence was welcome, he approached the other man and sat slowly. “I was sure that this thing wouldn’t exist anymore.”

“I’ve been looking after it.” Magnus shrugged, appearing a little self-conscious in the face of his stun. “We started coming here because this is a special place. I just... I couldn’t let it fall apart.” _Even if we fell apart_ was so heavily implied that it could’ve as well been said.

Melancholy and something far more agonizing softened Alec’s eyes and heart. They both focused on the sky, even if they couldn’t exactly see stars from light pollution. “Thank you.” Oh, how he ached to have the smaller man leaning his head against his shoulder, like when they were kids. He hesitated. “Do you want to talk about why you needed a moment?”

Magnus clenched his jaw and wrestled with himself for a long time. “I... suppose I needed to pretend that the rest of the world doesn’t exist. At least for a little while.” The dancer swallowed hard. “Everything seems simpler here.”

Alec breathed in deep. “I know. This treehouse seems to be the only thing in the world that hasn’t changed.”

Neither man knew how long they sat there. Eventually Alec became aware of how badly Magnus was trembling. (From cold, as far as he knew.) Without second guessing his decision for a second he wrapped an arm around his former friend. What followed were the longest and tensest three seconds of his life. Until Magnus relaxed and leaned microscopically closer.

“Look...” Alec breathed sharply, then decided to man up. “I hate how things are between us right now. Because... You’re still one of the most important people I’ve ever had in my life.” The most important person who wasn’t immediate family, but admitting that would’ve felt like saying too much. “I know that I’ve sucked as a friend for these past few years. And that I haven’t been there for you, in any way. But... Magnus, I don’t want to lose you. So...” He huffed, hating how his tongue always seemed to get tied when he tried to express something important. “There’s... a lot in my life that I need to fix. Maybe, if you’re not done with me yet... I could start with us.”

The period of time for which Magnus remained silent was torture. “It’s cold out here. You mentioned something about a latte in that message of yours.”

Alec smiled his second purely honest smile in years. He got up, then held out a hand when Magnus seemed too stiff to follow on his own. (How long had the other man been out there?) “Let’s go, then.”

Making it down was considerably harder than climbing up. Especially as adults who were chilled from the weather. This time the silence between them was companionable.

“Since when has Alexander Gideon Lightwood used words like ‘sucks’?”

“It’s the Boston effect.” Alec glanced towards Magnus while they reached his car. “Now do you see why I had to get away from there?”

Magnus looked back, their eyes locking. And seemed to notice a bit too much. “Yeah, I do.”

/

The café was already closed for the evening when they got there, so they could warm up in peace and privacy. Magnus listened while Alec admitted how bad things were in Boston, and how lost he currently felt, with no career or plans. It was a pleasant surprise that the man still trusted him so much, despite how estranged they’d become.

“Today we had this dinner with the whole family. And my father... He let me know exactly what he thinks about my choices. Dropping out, coming back... He’s never looked at me like that before.” Alec clenched his jaw. “I keep disappointing people.”

“He isn’t disappointed in you”, Magnus consoled. “He’s just... shocked. And worried. He needs some time to think things through.”

“Maybe.” Alec sighed. “This is going to sound stupid, but... I came back because I felt like I was living someone else’s life. To see that here everyone else has moved on, grown up. And I... I have no idea what to do with my life.” The man took a sip of his coffee and shuddered. “I can’t even make a proper Frappuccino.”

Magnus considered his next words carefully. Not wanting to ruin the delicate progress they were trying to make. “You should tell your father that, after you’ve both calmed down. Feeling lost is nothing to be ashamed of”, he pointed out. “We all go through that, sometimes.” _And some of us get so badly lost that we can’t find the way back anymore._

His words seemed to surprise Alec. The man’s eyes, always so bad at hiding anything, turned towards him. “Even you?”

Magnus looked away. They were still on a very shaky ground, and he wasn’t sure how much he was able to open up. “A little over a year after you moved away Ragnor... He, ah, died. And...” He shook his head at the memories that still hurt worse than a knife. “I was in a... bad place.” Apparently Bourbon made him awkwardly talkative, as it always did. (Camille would’ve agreed.) He wondered with a spike of dread if Alec had noticed yet that he was drunk. (Camille would, once he’d find the strength to go back home. He dreaded that, too.)

He was so deep in thought that he missed the expression of horror and grief on Alec’s face. “Magnus, I’m so sorry!” The barista’s hand twitched but in the end didn’t have the courage to grab his. “Why didn’t you call me?” (Well, at least the genuine-sounding sympathy was a refreshing change to Camille’s demeaning words that made him feel like an idiot when he displayed weakness.)

Magnus shrugged. His eyes were on the coffee that was growing cold. “We hadn’t talked at all or exchanged messages in over two months. You were away, had a new life.” He didn’t mean to sound bitter but alcohol made concealing his innermost feelings infuriatingly difficult. “I didn’t want to impose, especially in that shape.” Alec wouldn’t have recognized the person he was then. What was left of him now was barely identifiable.

Even without looking he sensed Alec’s dejection. “I hate that you didn’t think you could reach out to me.” The man sipped coffee to mask an awkward pause and went on before he could point out that he was the one who messed up. “You’re mad at me for leaving.”

“It hurt.” There was no point in sugarcoating that. “But... I know that you had your reasons. I could tell that you were unhappy, before. Maybe one day you’ll tell me why.”

“Yeah.” Alec’s tone said ‘when hell freezes over’. The barista cleared his throat. “It looks like you’ve made a pretty good life for yourself, now. Dancing... Getting engaged...” The last part sounded like a question.

Magnus scratched the skin around the engagement ring subconsciously. It always seemed to itch uncomfortably. “Camille... found me at my worst. One thing led to another.” That didn’t exactly scream romance...

“Hey.” Alec’s hand landed on his. Both men shivered but the contact remained. “Now you look sad. I’m sorry if I...”

Magnus shook his head immediately. “No, no, this is... all me.” He wished that his voice hadn’t cracked. “It’s been a long day.” The dancer did his best to offer a smile. “I should go home. Thank you, for the latte.” He’d already blurted out too much.

“Maybe we can catch up again some other day?” Alec suggested hopefully.

“Yeah.” Magnus tried to sound more sincere than he was. He felt his eyes soften at the sight of his former best friend, so familiar and different at the same time. “Goodnight.”

“G’night.” Alec went on when he was almost out the door. “Magnus, are you sure you’re okay?”

Magnus froze at that, not having anticipated the question. He wondered what the look on his face was like when he finally managed to speak. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” He did his best to grin. “Next coffee’s on me.” With that he walked out.

Neither of them was very good at figuring out how to be happy. One left, the other stayed. One didn’t ask the other along, the other didn’t plead ‘stay’. Story of their lives. Not that Magnus would’ve ever been able to give Alec what the man needed. And Magnus had stopped hoping for what he wanted ages ago.

Outside merciless night-air made him shudder. It had nothing on the impact of Camille’s unexpected voice. “A former friend, you said. You went and fell in love with him, didn’t you?” She laughed. “He’s cute. You can’t seriously imagine that he’d ever waste time on a pathetic alcoholic.”

Such a painful secret being revealed like it was a joke... It hurt, a lot. So much that he didn’t even question why she was there. He also didn’t question why she tolerated him in fear that she’d change her mind. He couldn’t afford to lose her, too. “I know that Alec will never feel anything like that for me.” He swallowed against the bitter taste in his mouth. “Whatever feelings I may have had for him... They’re in the past. I’m yours, now.”

There was nothing loving about the way Camille placed a cold hand against his cheek. “Oh, you’ll prove that to me tonight. Unless you want to be left all alone again.” Her eyes flashed. “Remember that I can toss you away like garbage if I get bored.”

/

Alec watched the couple leave through a window. The woman, Camille he presumed, was beautiful, and they looked so good together that it made his stomach turn. But not everything about his bad feeling was caused by jealousy.

Alec frowned, cold chills going down his spine, and wondered why he wanted to drag Magnus far away from this Camille.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s SO MUCH that needs to be sorted out and fixed. But at least they made a little progress. And it seems that there are people in both their corners about to take a stand to support them. (Hmmm, is it possible that Maryse knows about Alec being gay?)
> 
> That sure was pretty heavy. Buuuut... Was it any good? PLEASE, do let me know! Comments ALWAYS make my day.  
IN THE NEXT ONE: Alec takes a massive step. And things take a step for worse for Magnus
> 
> NEXT UPDATE COMING THIS SUNDAY OR NEXT THURSDAY.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	3. Unhealthy Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec takes a massive step. And things take a step for worse for Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been really fluish for a couple of days, and I was sure that I wouldn’t nail this update. But here we are! Yay...?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for the amazing comments, love and support! This topic isn’t easy to tackle, so it means a lot that you’re taking this journey with me. (HUGS) 
> 
> Awkay, folks... Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _From the very beginning a lot of people had a lot of opinions on Alec’s friendship with Magnus. And Magnus. Alec lost a few friends because their comments about the smaller boy weren’t such he could tolerate. His family was also... curious. Izzy loved Magnus’ makeup. His mom fed the boy whenever he stopped by, and the child wolfed down each meal with embarrassment and gratitude. His father..._

_“That... friend of yours, Magnus...” His father frowned before completing the thought. “Does he... like boys?”_

_Every muscle in Alec’s body tensed up, even if he wasn’t quite sure why. “Of course he does. What kind of a question is that?”_

_“When I said ‘like’...”_

_“Yeah, I know what you meant. Mrs. Fray at school taught us about that stuff last week.” Alec frowned, looking at the man who’d always been his role model. “She said that we’re too young to know for sure who we like... that way. What does it matter, anyway? We can’t choose who we love.”_

_His father’s jaw clenched. “But we can choose what we do with those urges. Certain kind of relationships are unnatural, unhealthy. Do you understand what I mean?”_

_Alec nodded barely visibly. Even if he didn’t understand. Nor was he able to comprehend why he felt incredibly sad all of a sudden._

_That night Alec woke up to a knock on his window, which wasn’t anything unusual or surprising. Listening carefully to make sure that his family was asleep, he opened the window to let Magnus in. The other boy shook pitiably while muttering a quiet thank you and settled to the other side of Alec’s massive bed, careful to take up as little space as possible. The taller boy lay down slowly to the other side and pressed their backs together. They’d been through that same routine a million times before._

_Only this time Alec couldn’t get his father’s words out of his head. Because he liked having his best friend so close too much, the wrong way. “Magnus?” He swallowed thickly, a bad taste rising to his mouth. “I... don’t think you should come and spend the night anymore after this.” He hated doing this to the other boy. But surely some distance would help him get rid of the urges, would help him be normal._

_Magnus tensed up. It took some time before there was a verbal reaction. “Oh. Okay.” No questions, no arguments. Just dejected, sad acceptance, like Magnus had expected to be told to stay away._

_It made Alec loathe himself even more. He sighed. “It’s not like...”_

_“You don’t have to explain. I get it.” Magnus made his verdict sound so final that Alec kept his mouth shut, even if he didn’t want to._

_Neither teenager slept much that night. They lay side by side but this time it didn’t feel like they had each other’s backs. A new distance settled between them._ /

/

It was a lucky thing that the café didn’t have a lot of customers that afternoon. Because Alec wasn’t able to focus at all. Perhaps he was being an idiot, but he couldn’t get the brief bit of interaction between Magnus and Camille he saw out of his head.

He jumped when a finger poked at his forehead. “You’ll get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that”, Izzy warned. “Where did that busy head of yours go?”

Alec wondered how to articulate his conflicted thoughts properly. “I ran into Magnus the other day”, he blurted out eventually. “He was... I don’t know. Sad.”

This time Izzy was the one who seemed hesitant. “You won’t like hearing this”, she cautioned. “But... He’s been that way for a while.”

“Since Ragnor?”

Izzy seemed surprised for a second but didn’t ask how he knew. “Yeah. Or maybe before that. We... sort of stopped talking after you left.”

Alec’s chest clenched. “What? Why?”

Izzy was caught by surprise again. Then sad. “He missed you, Alec. More than I’ve ever seen anyone miss another person.” She sighed. “He couldn’t bear being in contact with anyone who reminded him of you. Then Ragnor happened. And Camille.” The woman’s name made her wrinkle her nose from disgust.

Alec’s eyebrow bounced up while he fought to push guilt to the back of his mind. (By now he should’ve grown used to carrying guilt and self-hatred, really.) “You don’t like her either, huh?” Seeing Camille briefly from afar was enough make his stomach turn.

“No one likes her.” Izzy took a sip of her coffee. “She sucks the life out of everyone she spends time with. Raphael hates working for her and keeps trying to find another job.” Her eyes narrowed when the other man’s name made him scowl. “Stop that! What happened between me and Raphael was years ago. We’ve both grown up and moved on. He’s a great friend.”

Alec scowled again. “I’m not saying anything. Because what I have to say about him would make you smack me.”

Izzy smacked him upside the head, anyway. Then smiled at him. “Just so you know, Magnus wasn’t the only one who missed you. You weren’t you in Boston. I’m glad you’re back.”

Alec felt his eyes soften. “I’m glad I’m back, too.” Because while his life was messy as hell, even if he had no idea what to do... At least in New York he could breathe. Unless he thought about Magnus...

“I’ve missed that look on your face.” Izzy rolled her eyes impatiently when he frowned. “The Magnus-look.” Seeing his shock, she snorted. “We’re not all clueless fools here, you know? And, for the record... That look’s good on you.”

Alec opened his mouth once, twice. Uncomfortably aware of the heat rising all the way to the tips of his ears. Eventually he started to scrub the counter vigorously because he didn’t know what else to do. Izzy’s knowing, good-natured snickering didn’t help.

Perhaps he wasn’t as well hidden in the closet as he’d thought...

/

The following morning Magnus lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He had no idea how long he’d been completely immobile, barely even breathing. Until he tilted his head upon noticing a pattern on the ceiling’s wood he’d never paid attention to before. It looked like a butterfly, or perhaps an eagle. And it reminded him of one of those inkblots he was shown at a shrink’s office, once upon a time.

He never seemed to get those ink things right, because his shrink kept frowning at his answers.

“Seriously? You’re just going to lay there feeling sorry for yourself today? Again?” Camille snorted. “Pathetic.” When she leaned over him to grab her bra, he tensed up involuntarily. Of course she noticed. “You’ve gotta be kidding me...! Is this about last night?”

Magnus didn’t bother answering – it wasn’t like what he said would’ve made any difference.

Camille scoffed while continuing to get dressed. “Your body was very much on board. And if you can’t say ‘no’ to a woman when you don’t feel like it, which one of us...?”

“Yes, I’m fully aware of how pathetic I am”, Magnus hissed. It was a moment of foolish rebelliousness. For the first time that day he felt something.

The way Camille’s eyes flashed made him feel something for the second time that day, because he was sure that she’d throw something at him. Or perhaps she’d leave him. The disturbing part was that he didn’t know if he dreaded those things or looked forward to them. (_Do it!_, a voice in his head screamed at her. _Throw something! Start packing! Walk away and finally end this! Let me go!_ That voice grew quiet as quickly as it was found.) “I’m going to work now”, she growled. “You’d better lose that attitude before I come back, or you’ll be in a trouble.” With that threat she stormed off.

Magnus... felt far less than he should’ve. He might’ve actually spent hours in the bed, because no one would miss him or need him until the afternoon. If it wasn’t for his phone receiving a message from Catarina. ‘_Hunter’s Moon, tonight at six. No objections. It’s Raphael’s birthday next Monday and he’ll be on a business trip then, so we’re celebrating today. He deserves it, and you deserve a night out with people who care about you. I love you._’

Maybe Camille was right and he was in a rebellious mood. Because Magnus didn’t want to say ‘no’ this time. He missed his friends. He missed having a proper life of his own. He missed the person he used to be. ‘_I’ll be there. I love you, too._’

Ten minutes later Magnus dragged himself out of the bed, ignoring how stiff and sore he was, and headed to a shower.

/

That afternoon Alec offered to pick up Max from breakdance practice. If it happened to be the same dance studio where Magnus worked... Well, perhaps it wasn’t entirely a coincidence.

What Alec hadn’t anticipated was not being the only one there to see Magnus. Catarina stood at one training room’s doorway, staring inside with a mixture of fondness, sorrow, longing and concern. The second she noticed him her eyes lit up, but she pressed a finger to her lips to keep him from speaking.

She did, however, hug him as soon as he was close enough. “Alec Lightwood... I’m so glad you’re back”, she sighed barely audibly.

Alec frowned. True, they used to be on friendly terms because she was a friend of Magnus’, but... “Uh... Thank you?” he muttered uncertainly. He would’ve asked why, exactly, she was elated but couldn’t find the words.

He turned his gaze towards the room just as Catarina did and felt his heart jump one time too many.

Magnus was tutoring a group of six children, unaware of his audience. With his gentle coaching they all moved gracefully. One of them, a beautiful dark-skinned girl, jumped from joy afterwards. “I did it! Uncle Magnus, I finally got it!”

Magnus’ eyes, from which the past three years had stolen their spark, lit up with genuine joy. The dancer smiled and hugged the girl gently when she ran into his arms. “You sure did, sweet pea. I’m so proud of you.” When the embrace ended he scanned through the whole group of kids with a fond gaze. “I’m proud of you all. You’ve done amazingly today! And now that you’ve all mastered the notorious Sauté like professionals... Who wants to learn a new move today?”

The whole group cheered.

For the first time since his return Alec saw a quite possibly brief flash of the Magnus he used to know and...

“I’m so glad that Madzie, my girl, wants to dance, because...” Catarina wiped her eyes. “I miss the old Magnus. Like crazy. And... These are the only moments when I get to see him. The only moments when he feels like his own true self.”

Those words made Alec feel incredibly sad. With how choked up he was, keeping him volume low was no challenge. “What happened to him?” He suspected that he might know the answer.

Catarina opened her mouth. But before she could answer her phone started to buzz on a silent mode. She left hurriedly before Magnus would’ve noticed her, but Alec caught the word ‘Raphael’ on the phone’s screen.

Alec was reluctant to take his own leave. Because now that he saw Magnus in his own element he wanted to keep watching forever. Unfortunately Max’s lesson was ending, so there was very little choice.

All too aware of the yearning in his eyes and heart, Alec stole another glance at Magnus. Who smiled softly while catching one of the little girls with ease when she almost fell. The barista hoped dearly that he’d get to see his former best friend like that again.

Alec didn’t know that seconds after he left Magnus turned his gaze towards the room’s door, alerted by a pleasant shiver going through him. Only to find no one. He blamed the bizarre sensation on draft before refocusing on the lesson.

Neither of them knew that from her office across the street Camille saw Alec leave the dance studio with Max. Her mind was quick to form connections. Her eyes narrowed.

/

Max was still young. But he wasn’t stupid, or blind. And he saw the change that’d happened in Alec after his brother had seen Magnus again. “You should just tell him that you love him.”

He was glad that Alec had already parked his car. Because the way his brother blanched suggested that otherwise they might’ve swerved off the road. “W-What...? I... I don’t know what you’re...”

“Yeah, you do!” Max argued while following Alec, who was scrambling to get out of the vehicle. “Mom knows, too. I heard her talking with her friend, Jia. Jia’s daughter, Alice or something, is gay, too. Jace and Izzy also know. It’s not like your feelings are a secret.” Why should love be kept a secret, anyway? Wasn’t it supposed to be a good thing?

Alec leaned against the car heavily. And seemed to feel sick. “Oh, no...”

“I don’t get why you make such a big deal out of it. Izzy, Jace and I all think it’s cool. And mom’s proud of you. Did she tell you that she was organizing this Pride march in New York last year?” Max shrugged. “Maybe I’m gay, too. Who cares?”

“Don’t ever say something like that again!” Robert Lightwood’s loud, harsh voice startled both brothers. The man’s eyes were ablaze. “We do not condone sick urges like that in my family. Is that understood?” Their father looked at Alec like someone would stare at a total stranger they didn’t like. “Is this about that... Magnus again? This is exactly why I was glad that you got away from New York!”

This time Alec’s eyes filled with fire. “My sexual orientation is not Magnus’ doing! It’s what I am, and it’s never going away!” Alec had never raised his voice at their parents like that. “I already abandoned Magnus once because of you, and I’m not making that mistake again! Not even because of you.” Max could see how hard saying those words was for his brother.

Robert didn’t notice. Or care. The man’s gaze filled with disgust. “Are you in love with him?”

Alec’s eyes met their father’s. And held them. “What if I am?”

Robert was frozen for a moment before lifting his chin. “Then you’re a disgrace on this family. And you’re no son of mine.”

The tiniest of shudders gave away the moment when Alec’s heart shattered to pieces and it was almost palpable. Time stopped. Until Alec turned, entered the car and drove away. Max didn’t know if his brother was crying but he wanted to.

“Max...”

Max glared at his father. “The only disgrace on this family is you”, he hissed. Then began to walk away. “I’m not spending the weekend here. If Alec isn’t a part of your family, then I don’t want to be, either.”

Robert was stunned speechless. And Max? As soon as he made it to his mom’s arms he finally broke down to tears for Alec’s sake. “I... I know that we’ve fought a lot, but... Can I stay here with you and Luke, please? I don’t...” He shook his head. “I don’t wanna live with Robert anymore. I don’t ever wanna see him again.”

/

There was a time when seeing Camille made Magnus’ heart beat too fast from joy. That day it shuddered from dread when her car waited outside the dance studio. He took the passenger’s seat slowly. “I was supposed to jog home.”

Camille started the car and was driving way too fast before he’d fastened his seatbelt. She didn’t look his way. “One simple question.” She barely hit the brake for a red light before it would’ve been too late. “Are you still in love with Alec Lightwood?”

The cold Magnus had already started feeling intensified. His mouth went so dry that it was almost impossible to speak. “I told you, it’s in the past.”

Camille’s eyes were on fire. “Magnus, I swear to god, if you lie to me now...!” she snarled. Her foot twitched towards the gas pedal. Their light was still red and there was a lot of traffic everywhere.

“Fine, alright!” Magnus gulped in a desperate breath. “Yes, I still love him.” He stared at the red light like he was spellbound, his heart pounding hard in his chest. “I’ve... I’ve spent the past three years trying to stop.”

A second ticked by before Camille lay a hand on his knee, not saying a word. She squeezed so tightly that her nails nearly dug through the fabric of his pants. Then she slammed her foot on the gas pedal.

/

After his spontaneous coming out Alec would’ve gladly hidden himself from the world to fall apart. But unfortunately he had an evening shift to handle. Falling apart and freaking out would have to wait.

So he kept telling himself, even after Maia was barely fast enough to keep him from pouring salt instead of sugar into a customer’s coffee. “Whatever that thing you don’t want to talk about is... I’m here for you. Okay?”

Alec nodded. He would’ve said thank you, or tried to claim that he was perfectly fine. But he feared that he’d lose what frail control he had over himself if he made a sound.

His father’s words kept bombarding his head mercilessly. Alec hated feeling wrong, hated being a disappointment. He wondered if he’d ever manage to do anything in his life right.

Alec was pulled out of those miserable thoughts when the café’s door opened. He tensed up as Catarina and Raphael marched in, both appearing deeply worried. “Is Magnus here?” Raphael demanded without any sort of a greeting.

Alec shook his head tersely. “No.” If he was honest with himself, he’d been hoping his former best friend to come, strained as their relationship was. “Why are you asking?”

Catarina swallowed thickly. “We were supposed to meet up today.” There was a great deal of panic in her eyes. “But he didn’t show up, and didn’t send a message to cancel.”

“He’s not answering calls or messages.” Raphael had never seemed quite so shaken before. “We even went to his apartment. No one opened the door.”

Ice filled Alec’s veins. Something was very, very wrong. “We have to find him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh... no...! These poor darlings...! Fingers crossed, now, that this is where things start to turn for the better. Who wants to send Camille and Robert to some REALLY nasty place? (lifts both hands)
> 
> Sooo... How was that, any good? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	4. In Need of Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A frantic search begins after an accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m SO SORRY that it took a few extra days to update! This week’s been insane. And way more stressful than I anticipated. But here I am! Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments, love and support! They’ve seriously meant a LOT, especially on a week like this. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. Here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _Respecting Alec’s wish, Magnus didn’t come to visit him at night-time anymore. And while they were still best friends there was a new distance between them. Alec hated it but couldn’t do anything about it. Because to explain he would’ve had to reveal things that would’ve made everything much worse. He wasn’t planning on letting anyone find out how... wrong he was. How was Magnus supposed to accept him if his own dad couldn’t?_

_A few weeks passed by until it was almost Thanksgiving. That Thursday Magnus didn’t come to school, which was beyond alarming. The boy never skipped school, not even when he was sick. Alec decided that he’d had it with keeping his distance._

_Surely even his dad couldn’t have anything against him looking out for a friend in need?_

_Alec had never been to Magnus’ home but he walked the boy to the apartment building, once, after his friend started throwing up in the middle of a school day. Fortunately it wasn’t far. Alec had always been a great athlete and crossed the distance at a record time. Especially with how motivated he was._

_Alec hadn’t actually planned what he’d say or do when he’d get there. He also had a feeling that Magnus might not like him showing up, especially unannounced. It turned out no planning would’ve been necessary, anyway. The second he rounded the corner and saw the building he froze._

_Two police cars stood there, their red and blue lights shining ominously on the walls._ /

/

/ _Years later chief Luke Garroway knocked on the door of a luxurious penthouse apartment. He exchanged meaningful glances with his partner when a woman snarled something inside before steps stomped closer. A sixth sense whispered a warning just before a beautiful woman with dark hair and a frosty smile opened the door. “Evening, officers. What brings you here?”_

_They both showed their badges before Luke started talking. “We’re under the impression that this apartment belongs to Magnus Bane. Do you live here with him?”_

_For a few seconds irritation radiated from her. But she masked it quickly and nearly flawlessly. “Yes, this is my home, too. I’m Camille Belcourt, his girlfriend. Now, why are you here?”_

_His partner stepped in, as forcibly polite as Camille. “Your neighbors complained about loud noise. Shouting, items being thrown... We had to come and make sure that everything’s alright.”_

_Camille didn’t quite roll her eyes but it was a close thing. “We had a fight. But there was no reason to get the police involved.”_

_“With all due respect, we’d like to see that for ourselves”, Luke countered in a tone that left no room for arguments._

_Camille gave him a dry look. There was no telling what she might’ve said if Magnus hadn’t appeared to the doorway just then. He was pale and seemed a little shaken, but did his best to smile kindly. “Camille is right, there was no need to get you involved. We’re fine.” He sounded shockingly convincing despite the state of disarray the home behind him was in._

_Camille, who clearly considered the whole thing a waste of her time, headed back inside. With her out of earshot Luke went on. “Look, if you need help...”_

_“Thank you for your concern”, Magnus cut him off. There was a strange look in his eyes that’d bother Luke for years to come. “But I’ve learned to take care of myself. Goodnight.” With that a door was closed between them._

_Luke’s shoulders slumped while he dreaded under what circumstances they’d meet again._

_A month later Luke picked Max up from the dance studio. He happened to see Magnus briefly, and noticed a new engagement ring. The sight filled him with grief._ /

/

In his line of a job Luke had seen a lot of horrible things. Such that were left haunting even the strongest of people. A car accident was by no means the worst of them. Nonetheless a cold feeling settled to the pit of his stomach when he saw the remains of a vehicle that belonged to Camille Belcourt and interviewed witnesses.

Based on what he knew so far, Camille was the one driving. She left work in a state of fury and picked up Magnus. Then, minutes later, she ignored a red light. It was a small miracle that she didn’t hit other cars or pedestrians before crashing to a wall, passenger’s side first. There was no evidence solid enough to hold in court that she did it on purpose but Luke had his suspicions.

“That woman... She drove like a maniac”, an elderly woman reported, shaking her head. “She got lucky, that witch. Barely a scratch on her when she crawled out. A couple of people tried to stop her but she made so much noise that they let her go.”

Camille was still on the loose, then... Luke definitely didn’t like that piece of information. “Was there anyone else in the vehicle?”

The woman nodded enthusiastically, deep worry appearing to her grey eyes. “Yes, a man. He seemed injured, the poor dear. He walked away in the middle of all that chaos. I tried to get to him, but...” She nodded towards her cane. “No one else seemed to notice him.” She sighed heavily. “Please, tell me that you’ll find him. He looked like he really needs help.”

Those words made Luke incredibly sad. Story of Magnus Bane’s life – no one seemed to notice when he needed help, or noticed too late. “We’ll do everything we can to find them both, ma’am. Thank you for your information.”

After pulling himself together for a few moments Luke went to his men. “You focus on looking for Belcourt.” He stared at the wrecked vehicle and wondered how two people made it out alive. “She has some questions to answer. I’ll find out if someone knows where Bane is.” And if he had to resort to some... unofficial sources of information, then so be it. He wasn’t letting Magnus down this time.

/

Alec remembered barely a handful of times when he would’ve been really, honestly scared. Yet that was what he experienced that day. Worst case scenarios flashed through his head while the attempts to reach Magnus continued.

What if Camille had actually done something and he’d never get to...?

Yet again Magnus’ answering machine took his call. “_... please, don’t leave a message, it’s appallingly outdated ..._”

Almost any other day that might’ve been funny, now Alec wanted to cry and scream. He cleared his throat to keep his voice from cracking. “Hey. Catarina and Raphael came to the café where I work. They’re worried, and so am I. Call them or me as soon as you get this, okay?” He hung up because there was very little other choice.

“Still no luck?” Catarina sighed.

Alec shook his head. He had to wait for a while before speaking without fearing that he’d snap at an undeserving target. “This Camille... How messed up is she?”

Raphael and Catarina exchanged a look before she spoke. “We... were actually supposed to have an intervention today. Because the relationship between Magnus and Camille...” She shook her head. “Something’s seriously wrong with it.”

“I heard that today Camille was outraged when she left work.” For once Raphael didn’t bother to hide his worry. “If she went to Magnus in that state of mind... I don’t know.”

Alec was about to call Magnus again. He nearly dropped his phone when it started ringing. His brows furrowed at Luke’s name on the screen. “Hey. What...?”

“_This is completely off the record. If anyone asks, you haven’t heard this from me._” Luke inhaled a sharp breath. “_There’s been a car accident. Magnus was likely injured and disappeared from the scene. Do you have any idea where he might go?_”

Alec opened his mouth, wondering how the hell he was supposed to have a clue where his childhood friend might be. Until he was hit by a flood of memories. Unpleasant ones.  
“There... may be a place.” Alec swallowed convulsively, already bracing himself for whatever might come. “But you have to promise me that you’ll let me go and get him alone.”

“_Alright._” Luke breathed deeply. “_If you find him, call me immediately. I’ll keep looking from elsewhere and calling hospitals._”

Catarina placed her hand on Raphael’s mouth when the man tried to protest. “We’ll be close by, just in case. Now let’s go.”

/

Alec could only imagine one place in the whole world where Magnus might go if he was hurting, overwhelmed and unable to think straight.

Alec was reminded of another absolutely horrible day while he ran towards the treehouse, oblivious to the people standing a respectful distance away. “Magnus!” he called out as soon as he was near enough. “Are you up there?”

There was no reply, which chilled him to the bone. Swallowing thickly, Alec started to climb. Which was when he noticed a bloodstain on one of the ladders. Funny, really, how something so simple managed to knock all breath from his lungs.

“Magnus?” he tried again. With no success. “I know that you’re...” All words fled.

The first thing that struck him was the stench of blood and alcohol. Then he saw the figure lay on the wooden floor, back towards him. Unmoving, not even trembling.

Ice-cold terror struck through Alec. What if he was too late? What if...?

Alec climbed all the way up as fast as he could. He nearly stumbled on a bottle of alcohol that must’ve slipped from Magnus’ grasp. His mind would’ve wanted to get stuck on wondering why his former friend had wasted time on getting and emptying it. But fairly quickly he managed to convince himself that there were far more important things to focus on.

Oh, god, was Magnus even breathing...?

“Magnus?” Alec called out. To receive no reaction. “Shit...!” he hissed at himself, hating how his eyes stung.

Unsteady in far more ways than one, Alec closed the distance between himself and Magnus. Two fingers reached out slowly before settling against the unresponsive man’s neck. The thrum beat of life was still there. Relief nearly made his knees give way.

By then it was so dark that he couldn’t really see if Magnus was injured. Or how bad it was. Alec reached out and gave the smaller man a cautious shake, determined to not make whatever damage there was worse. “Magnus, wake up for me, okay? We need to get you somewhere warm.” The dancer felt so cold to the touch...! Alec began to grow frantic when he still couldn’t entice a response. “Magnus, come on...!” He cupped the other’s face with one hand.

That, of all things, seemed to do the trick. Magnus moaned, which was a sad little sound. With a considerable amount of effort the man wrestled his eyes halfway open and frowned at him. “... ‘lexander?”

Alec nodded, not quite sure what to say. He inhaled a deep breath that shuddered. “You’re freezing, we have to get you inside. You may already be hypothermic.”

Magnus shook his head stubbornly. Then seemed to feel sick. “... ‘not cold.” The dancer curled up and moaned at the discomfort it brought. “... wanna stay here.”

Alec sighed heavily. “Just... Do me a favor, and come with me.”

Magnus seemed sincerely surprised. The slurred words that eventually followed made all too clear why. “... want me?”

Alec’s heart ached. How much damage had he and Camille done to Magnus’ confidence? He spoke without thinking it through. (Besides, it wasn’t like Magnus would even remember when he was sober and feeling better.) “I will always want you with me, wherever I go.” _And one day I’ll try to be brave enough to admit that when you’re able to remember it afterwards, I promise._ “So let me get you away from here.”

Magnus contemplated for a torturous moment. Then nodded tentatively, watching him with surprisingly alert, unnaturally bright eyes. “... don’t take me home.”

Alec was fairly sure that the moisture gathering to his eyes wasn’t quite hidden anymore. When Magnus pushed himself to a sitting position, with grunts and hisses, he pulled the smaller man close eagerly. And told himself that the other didn’t slump against him solely because of alcohol and exhaustion. “Magnus, no one is going to take you where you don’t want to go. I swear.”

Was that the wrong thing to say? Because without any warning Magnus started to cry. So hard that it seemed to tear him apart emotionally and physically. Too inebriated to have any self-restraint, the man clung to him and let it all go. All the pain he’d been hiding, in body and soul alike. It was impossible to comprehend more than a few of the rambled, slurred words. “... pathetic ... I’m sorry, so sorry... can’t stop ...”

Alec held the other back as tightly as he dared to, not knowing how much damage there was. Inside and out. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. “None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?” That much he knew, even if he had no idea what, exactly, Camille had put Magnus through. “And, whatever’s been going on... It stops. Today.”

Magnus said nothing to that. After a few more minutes the dancer started to calm down, or perhaps he was just drained. Together they started to get up. “... legs are numb ...”

Alarm sparked in Alec. “Do you think you can walk?” And what about the climb down?

Magnus nodded bravely. Moving slowly and clumsily, they made their way to the ladder. Alec went first, and coached the other to follow. For a second that made time stand still Magnus almost lost his grip, but then clung to a piece of wood with all his might.

It seemed to take forever before they reached solid ground and Alec didn’t dare to breathe properly until then. The process was obviously too much on Magnus, too. The man stood valiantly, then began to tremble before crumbling.

Alec moved as quickly as his body allowed. One arm slipped around Magnus. When that wasn’t enough he scooped the man to his arms. Terror formed a ball in his stomach when Magnus whimpered, then went completely still and quiet.

Alec was in so much panic that he barely noticed Catarina and Raphael rushing to the scene. They both swore before the nurse started to check up on her friend. She said something about a hospital, to which Alec nodded absentmindedly. He refused adamantly when Raphael offered to take Magnus from his arms.

All he could focus on was the horrible possibility that this might be the only time he’d get to hold the man he loved like this.

/

The ER’s evening had been very quiet so far. Which meant that something was brewing. One of the nurses on duty, Tessa, was just about take a break when the doors opened. The man who burst in panted hard and was soaked from pouring rain. At first she wondered if he was a drunken lunatic. Until she saw what he carried. It distracted her to a point where she didn’t notice the two others who also stormed in, almost as out of breath as the first arrival.

There was a still oozing gash on the side of the injured man’s head. He was unconscious and practically all color had vanished from his face. Aside the lips that were blue.

Was the man even...?

“Please...!” A pair of anxious eyes pleaded with her. “Please, you have to help him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear...! At least they found him. But what happens next? Will he be okay, emotionally and physically? What will become of him and Alec?
> 
> Soooo... Was that worth the wait? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my day.
> 
> Until next time! I really hope that I’ll see you there.
> 
> Take care!


	5. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Alec by his side Magnus tries to start recovering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! I’m back from a holiday trip, and ready to update. (rubs hands together) My inner muses LOVE London. (The sadistic ones or the kind ones? We’ll see.)
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for your ABSOLUTELY AMAZING comments, love and support! (HUGS) When I started typing this story I wasn’t expecting it to get a lot of attention. You guys have me FLOORED! (hugs again)
> 
> Alright, folks. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _The policemen Alec saw around Magnus’ apartment building refused to tell him pretty much anything when he tried to ask what was going on. All the boy managed to dig out was that his best friend was currently missing. And that a lot of people were trying to find him._

_They should’ve asked Alec, really, because no one knew Magnus quite like he did. Terrified out of his mind, although he was a bit too young to understand why, Alec started to run. It took frustratingly long before he reached the treehouse._

_Magnus sat there, hunched to the furthest corner and seeming incredibly small. “Hey”, Alec greeted quietly. “I, ah... People are looking for you. What’s going on?”_

_Magnus didn’t answer him. Didn’t seem to even notice him, just sat there, shaking. It scared Alec._

_Slowly, not quite sure how to proceed, Alec approached his friend. He noticed that Magnus had vomited at some point but it didn’t seem like a good idea to point out as much. Nor did it matter. “It’s cold outside. You shouldn’t be here”, he beckoned in the most reasonable, grownup voice he could muster. “Why did you come here without your coat and shoes, anyway? We should go before you get sick.”_

_For the first time since his arrival Magnus reacted and shook his head vehemently._

_Alec didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to force Magnus to leave but the air was freezing. He couldn’t even call for help because the cold evening had killed his phone’s battery. In the end he opened his own coat, then wrapped it around them. It was so big and his friend so small that it shielded them both quite well. Magnus tensed up for a few seconds, then leaned against him. In a few minutes the boy started to tremble. Soon after a single sniffle escaped._

_Shortly before sunrise Magnus finally spoke. It was barely even a whisper and incredibly hoarse. “... think I’m ‘eady to climb down.” The boy wiped his eyes and it wasn’t until then Alec realized that his friend had been crying quietly. “W’d you stay here all night?”_

_Alec shrugged. “Because you’re important to me.” Why did Magnus even have to ask something like that?_

_Twenty minutes later they walked towards a police officer they’d soon know as Luke, holding hands. Alec didn’t care if they were too old to hold hands without it being weird. Because Magnus was shaking so badly that he feared the boy would fall apart if he’d let go._

_They were separated against their will at the hospital. Magnus needed further treatment and Alec was given a blanket to warm up. Someone must’ve called his mom, because she rushed in shortly after he got there. He swallowed thickly. “Mama, I’m so sorry...”_

_She shook her head and pulled him tightly to her arms. “I’ll scold you for worrying me later. Right now I’m just relieved that you’re both okay.”_

_Another hour later, while his mom talked to the medical professionals, Alec sneaked to the room where Magnus was. His friend’s appearance made him do a doubletake. Already dark bruising around neck and on face... One eye practically swollen closed... Clear finger marks around both wrists... “Magnus...!”_

_Magnus shook his head firmly, almost desperately, not facing his way. “’don’t wanna talk ‘bout it”, the boy rasped. Sounding like every syllable hurt. “... ‘ready talked to too many ‘ople.”_

_“Okay.” What else could Alec say? He shuffled self-consciously. “Can I... take a nap with you? I’m really tired, and I think so are you.”_

_Magnus nodded barely visibly and made room, scowling as he did. Alec settled to the bed gratefully. His eyelids started drooping almost as soon as he had._

_“Alexander?” Magnus nudged him gently with his elbow. “Thank you, for f’nding me.”_

_“I’ll always come and find you”, Alec swore, and he’d never meant anything he’d said more._

_While they fell asleep next to each other the kids had no idea that they had audience. Maryse shot a deathly glare at Robert when her husband took a step towards the room’s door. “If you drag Alec out of there right now, I’ll divorce you today”, she hissed. It wasn’t an empty threat._

_Robert glared back but held still._ /

/

In the end several thin traces led towards a luxurious penthouse apartment in the heart of Manhattan. When the police knocked Camille opened the door, an unimpressed expression on her face. “You found my car, then?” She lifted her hand. “Don’t start reading me my rights yet. I’m a lawyer and I’m certain that you don’t have anything incriminating against me.”

Alerted by their voices, a handsome young man peered from one of the apartment’s many rooms. Camille said something in what sounded like Russian and he withdrew. She shrugged at their questioning looks. “I told him that I’ll be back soon.”

“Who is he?” Luke inquired.

“A friend.” Camille sighed theatrically. “Let me get my coat. This should be fun.” It didn’t slip the officers’ attention that she never once asked if Magnus was alright.

They were just escorting her to the police station when Luke got a call from Alec. The younger man sounded out of breath or like he’d been crying. “_I... I found him._” The barista’s voice broke. “_You... told me to call when I did._”

/

The awful late evening gave way to a bleak morning.

It was entirely too much like when they were kids. Alec wasn’t Magnus’ family member or emergency contact. He wasn’t... anything, just someone who brought the dancer in. So no one told him a thing. It threatened to drive him insane. He didn’t even notice Raphael, who paced around the waiting room.

At some point he got a text from Maia. ‘_I really hope that you guys found Magnus. Let me know what’s going on as soon as you feel up to it._’

Alec felt a twinge of guilt. He left Maia all alone to the café before heading to the search. He knew that she understood but still wondered how to make it up to her.

Alec was in the middle of those restless musings when Catarina, Magnus’ actual emergency contact, walked in. She appeared exhausted and sad. “Magnus has a couple of broken ribs, a concussion and a lot of really bad bruising. He’d also consumed a lot of alcohol and he was mildly hypothermic by the time he was found. There’s a high risk that he’ll develop a pneumonia.” She sighed and rubbed her face with one hand. “The worst part, however, was a wound by his abdominal area. It needed to be closed surgically.”

Raphael’s eyes flashed at that. “What? How the hell did he get it?” Was it a result of the accident or...?

“The doctor suspected that the car’s metal cut it.” Catarina didn’t sound fully convinced. Her eyes softened when they met Alec’s. “You saved his life, you know? If he’d been out there longer...” She shook her head, unwilling to voice the rest.

Alec shuddered and felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to even imagine the possibility that he found the man he loved too late. “Can I go to him?” He needed to see Magnus to be certain that the dancer would be alright.

Catarina nodded. “Usually someone in his condition wouldn’t be allowed visitors. But I’ll distract anyone trying to shoo you away.”

Alec almost smiled. Almost. He could definitely understand why Magnus considered her such a dear friend.

Seeing Magnus in the man’s current condition... It almost brought tears to Alec’s eyes. Once upon a time Magnus was full of spark, larger than life. Now... Now he seemed horribly small, exhausted and frail while unconscious in the hospital bed, covered in bruises.

“This... This is all my fault”, Alec murmured, his voice full of misery. His shoulders slumped while the weight of the world landed on them. “If I didn’t run away to Boston you would’ve never met Camille and...” He trailed off when the nausea from before returned. It wasn’t what made had him choked up, though.

What if he stayed and admitted what he wanted? His father’s rejection be damned? What if...?

He took Magnus’ hand and gave it a squeeze. It would’ve been tempting to kiss the pale, still too cold knuckles but he wasn’t brave enough. Besides, it would’ve hardly been the right time. “Magnus, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

/

Magnus had some... strange dreams. Of his mother singing to him. Of making snow angels with Alec when they were kids, despite them half-heartedly agreeing that it was childish. The most bizarre part was how warm and safe he felt. He hadn’t felt that way... in a very, very long time.

He wanted to keep sleeping for decades. But something, he wasn’t entirely sure what, pulled him towards the waken world. A presence, a touch. “... ‘lec?” he mumbled. He would’ve liked to open his eyes but didn’t have enough energy for that.

A hand tightened around his. “I’m here”, his former friend affirmed. “Didn’t I promise that I’ll always come and find you?”

Magnus smiled. In a world where everything had gone wrong at least one thing was right. “... didn’t dream it, then”, he murmured. And fell asleep before Alec got the chance to ask or answer.

/

When Robert Lightwood answered the door he expected it to be Max. Instead he found himself face to face with his ex-wife. His eyebrows furrowed while he let her in reluctantly. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m picking up our son’s things because he doesn’t want to live with you anymore”, Maryse hissed back, disappointment coloring her tone.

Robert’s eyes narrowed. Those words hurt more than he would’ve cared to admit. “What have you messed his head with?”

Maryse whirled around, an inferno in her eyes. “You’re the one who pushed him away! He’s in pieces because he doesn’t understand how someone can stop loving their son for something no one has control over!” she snarled. “Alec... Max... Me... Do you have to lose your entire family before you finally start to think?”

Robert folded his arms. He really, really didn’t like where this was going. “I only want what’s best for my children!”

Maryse snorted. “As long as they do exactly as you tell them to, right?” She shook her head and wiped her eyes. “I thought you learned your lesson when Jace started acting up because of his growing pains. Or when Izzy started doing drugs because she was falling apart under the pressure you put on her. Or when Alec ran off to Boston, leaving behind everything he loved, just to please you.” She breathed hard before barreling on. “I played dumb and stayed with you for far too long after I found out about your cheating. I imagined that it was better for our children than a broken family. Then I realized that the thing breaking us all was you.”

Robert didn’t know what to say to that. He glared at his ex-wife. “Are you done? Good. Take whatever the hell you want. I’m getting myself a drink.”

Robert was about to tackle his third shot of whiskey when Maryse approached him once more. He frowned at the photograph she held out for him, appearing sad. “I went through old photos the other day. This was the only one in which Alec looks genuinely happy. If you imagine that there’s something wrong with that... Then you really do deserve to be lonely, bitter and miserable for the rest of your life.” With that verdict she left the apartment.

Robert was on a business trip in Los Angeles at the time the picture had been taken. It was of Alec and Magnus sitting in front of a Christmas tree. Both boys had wide grins on their faces and hot chocolate around their mouths.

Robert was startled to realize that Maryse was right – he hadn’t realized that he’d never seen Alec appear truly happy until at that very moment.

/

Magnus’ proper awakening was far less pleasant than the half-conscious little moment with Alec. His whole body, especially his head, was in pain and he was sick to his stomach. Things didn’t improve much when he wrestled his eyes open.

Luke sat beside his bed with a solemn expression on his face. He tensed up, no matter how much it hurt. “What are you doing here?” he demanded as sharply as he could manage. It ended up sounding quite pitiable.

Luke sighed heavily. “We both know that we have to talk about your accident.” The man leaned closer. “It wasn’t easy but my men managed to find Camille. She admits to reckless driving because eyewitness reports give her no other choice, but nothing else. I’d really like to hear your version of the events.”

Magnus groaned. This was so humiliating...! “In case my doctor didn’t inform you, I was apparently drunk out of my mind.” He already overheard two nurses complaining that they had to take care of a drunk moron who got himself hurt. He didn’t need any more people telling him how pathetic he was. He looked away. “I think Camille picked me up from the studio. After that...” He shook his head. It was all confusing flashes from there.

/ _“... still in love ...”_ /  
/ _“... yes ...”_ /  
/ _“... always want you with me ...”_ /  
/ _“... I swear ...”_ /  
/ _“... your fault ...”_ /

“Whatever it is that you want me to tell you... I can’t.” How was he supposed clear out the events when he had no idea what happened? Honestly, he was happier to not remember. He already felt like an idiot. “I’m sorry.” He really should’ve gotten used to disappointing everyone already.

“Magnus, right now I’m just happy that you’re alive and safe.” Luke sounded sincere enough. A moment ticked by. “Look... You may not remember the accident. But we can still nail Camille for domestic abuse.”

Those words were like a stab. The nausea Magnus experienced before intensified and he had to press a fist against his mouth. Admitting it out loud would mean that he was a victim. And he once swore to never be a victim again.

How could he let this happen to himself...!

Luke started to get up and the simple movement startled him. “You don’t have to be ready for that step right now. But whenever you are...” A call-card was offered his way. “... I’ll be there for you. Because Camille deserves to pay, and you deserve justice.”

Magnus lay absolutely still, glaring at the call-card. A part of him really wanted to believe Luke. The problem was that he wasn’t sure he ever could with all the nasty voices echoing in his head.

/

When Alec returned to the hospital after a painfully long shift at the café he was shocked to find Magnus preparing to leave. The dancer barely stayed on his own two feet. “What are you doing?” he practically cried out. “You shouldn’t even be out of bed...!”

Magnus shook his head with such despair that cut all objections short. “I... I can’t stay here. Everyone keeps asking questions I’m not ready to answer and...”

“Okay, okay.” Alec knew that Magnus would leave the hospital, one way or another. At least he wasn’t going to let the man do it alone. He’d be true to his word and be there. “I’m... not sure if you remember, but... You pleaded me to not take you home. So I won’t.” Camille would be there sooner or later. And with how close she already came to costing Magnus his life...

Magnus watched him warily. “Then... Where do you propose I’d go?”

Alec lifted his chin determinedly. And hoped dearly that he wasn’t making a huge mistake. “How would you feel about staying at my place for a while?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s this, Malec roommates? Oh boy...! This may lead to something GOOOOOOD, or to a total disaster. What do you guys think? And who wants to strangle Camille? Show me hands!
> 
> SOOOOO... How was that? ANY good, at all? PLEASE, let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll join in then.
> 
> Take care!


	6. A Safe Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec takes Magnus to his home. It doesn’t exactly simplify things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pheeeew! This was one of those chapters that kept swelling and swelling and swelling, LOL. I REALLY hope that you don’t mind!
> 
> THANK YOU, a thousand times, for your amazing comments, love and support! They mean more than I can say to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _After the two of them fell asleep together on Magnus’ hospital bed Alec wasn’t allowed to see his best friend for two painfully long weeks. His mom explained that Magnus needed the help of a special doctor and couldn’t meet anyone for a while, but nothing further. Everyone at their school gossiped about the smaller boy’s absence, muttered horribly mean things even when they knew that Alec could hear. He hated it, hated school for the first time in his life. It helped a little when one day Izzy punched one of the nastiest loudmouths, Raj, in the face._

_Then two things happened almost simultaneously. His father headed to a long business trip that’d last well past Christmas. Only two days later the doorbell rang and Magnus stood there with a woman Alec couldn’t recognize. Thinner than before and visibly uncertain but familiar._

_Anyone could confirm that Alec wasn’t a big fan of physical contact. And he absolutely wasn’t the warm and fuzzy, hugging kind of a guy. But in that moment he couldn’t help himself. Before he got the chance to overthink it he’d pulled the smaller boy to his arms and hugged his friend with all his might. As a response Magnus clung to him like someone who’d been drowning. They didn’t let go of each other for a very long time._

_(The kids were too focused on each other to hear the stranger murmuring to his mom. “... against a lot of protocols ... you made a lot of compelling arguments ... isn’t like that poor thing has anywhere else to go, now...”)_

_Afterwards Magnus slept for many hours. So long that it worried Alec. “Why does he sleep so much?” he asked his mom when she came to check up on them. “Is he okay?”_

_His mom’s mouth opened. But she swallowed the first answer that came to her mind. “I suppose he still needs some rest. Let me know if either of you needs anything.”_

_Alec nodded resolutely and continued to watch over his friend._

_When Magnus eventually woke up the boy frowned. Alec was instantly on alert. “What’s wrong?”_

_“I just... I didn’t have bad dreams.” Magnus sounded genuinely confused by that. “It’s weird to sleep and have no bad dreams.”_

_Alec nodded slowly, trying to catch up. “But... That’s a good thing, right?”_

_Magnus nodded and smiled. (It wasn’t until then Alec realized how long it was from when he last saw his friend smile.) “Yeah, a really good thing.”_

_Alec pursed his lips. Then came to a decision. “You slept for a really long time, you’ve gotta be hungry. Let’s go and get some of mom’s gingerbread cookies.”_

_They weren’t the only ones with that idea. When they tiptoed to the kitchen Izzy and Jace were already there, hissing at each other when both were convinced that the other was one cookie ahead. Magnus stiffened at the sight of them but Izzy’s bright smile and Jace’s grunt of acknowledgement made some of it melt away. “Magnus! I’m so glad you’re back!” Izzy squealed as loudly as she dared to with their mom sleeping. “Alec’s been even grumpier than usual without you.”_

_“Iz...!” Alec growled a warning._

_Magnus blinked twice. Very slowly. “He has?”_

_“Uh huh”, Jace nodded. The blond’s mouth was so full of cookies that it was a bit hard to understand what he was saying. “He’s missed you.”_

_“Shut up”, Alec huffed. And stuffed two cookies to his mouth at the same time to enforce his statement. But he didn’t deny his siblings’ words because they weren’t lying._

_Beside him Magnus giggled and Alec found that he’d missed the sound almost as much as the boy himself._

_The kids didn’t know that Maryse was awake and watched them with a fond look on her face. She’d give them a few more minutes before scolding them and ushering them back to bed. She wondered if Alec even noticed that he was smiling. It was something she wanted to see far more often._ /

/

It took some convincing. But eventually Magnus accepted Alec’s offer. The barista liked to believe that it wasn’t only because it was the only way to get out of the hospital. The hospital’s staff was less than impressed but had to accept that they couldn’t force their infuriatingly stubborn patient to stay.

Catarina was there to see them out. “Just so you know, I’m strongly against this.” She sighed heavily and hugged Magnus as tightly as she dared to with his wound and broken ribs. “If there’s any dizziness, bleeding or other worrying symptoms, call me immediately.”

“I will”, Magnus promised.

“Spare me, I know you better than to believe you.” Catarina sounded exasperated and almost fond. “That’s why I’m not talking to you.”

“I’ll bring him back if I get worried about anything”, Alec promised dutifully. “I have the next two days off, anyway. So I’ll be home a lot.”

Catarina nodded approvingly. She seemed to hold back a grin or a laugh. “You and me... I think we’ll get along.”

Magnus was mostly quiet on their way to Alec’s home. Considering everything the dancer had been through it was only understandable. When they stopped to a red light the only sound in the vehicle came from the rain beating on it. Until the smaller man found his voice. “I... don’t know why you’re doing all this for me. But... Thank you.” Magus glanced towards him very briefly. “I appreciate this. If there’s something I can do in return...”

“Magnus, I’m not helping you to earn favors!” Alec sounded more infuriated than he’d meant to. (The way his former friend tensed up revealed that loud volume wasn’t appreciated.) “I’m... I’ve missed you. I’ve missed our friendship.” That much, at least, he could admit without choking on his words. “I already told you that I want to try fixing it. If I can help you while trying, even better.”

Magnus nodded faintly just as the light turned green. They’d almost reached their destination before the man offered an audible response. “I’ve missed our friendship, too.” Magnus rubbed his face roughly with both hands. He seemed incredibly young and vulnerable without his usual makeup, dressed in oversized clothes borrowed from Alec. “I’ve... been a horrible friend for a while already, not only to you. That’s not on Camille, that’s on me.”

The open admission and self-blame surprised Alec. To a point where it took a while before he found his voice. “With what you’ve been going through... I think we all understand. At least now Camille’s out of your life.”

Magnus said nothing to that, which Alec took as a worrying sign. Even more disconcerting was the palpable air of defeat, humiliation and exhaustion. Thankfully the man would be staying with him. There was absolutely no way he’d let one of his most important people end up back to the clutches of someone like Camille.

Alec parked his car outside the correct building. It wasn’t fancy or at one of the most expensive parts of the city. But he’d decided from early on that he didn’t need luxury around him to feel at home. Whatever it was that he would’ve needed was still missing.

Magnus offered no sort of judgement. Alec was there in a flash, helping when the dancer climbed out of the vehicle slowly and gingerly. His support was met with a slightly pinched but grateful little smile. Neither felt the need to talk much while they made their way to the third floor of the building that had no elevator. Magnus had to take a couple of breaks along the way when the climb got too much but carried on with his usual stubbornness. Alec was worried and would’ve been annoyed if it all wasn’t slightly comforting. It was good to see that there was fight left in Magnus.

Alec felt self-conscious when they finally reached his apartment. He hadn’t brought many people there because like far too many other things in his life it didn’t feel like him. It had hardly any furniture and nothing inside it spoke of who he was as a person. At least it wasn’t messy because he didn’t own enough stuff to make it messy.

If Magnus had an opinion on his place’s appearance it didn’t show. He looked around and a tiny bit of his tension seemed to melt away. It made Alec ridiculously proud that Magnus seemed to deem his home a safe place.

“There should be some leftovers in the fridge. We could heat up those”, Alec offered. He had a feeling that the other didn’t eat much at the hospital.

Magnus, however, shook his head. “I’m good. A bit tired, though. I could use a nap after taking some painkillers.” There was an aching amount of hesitation behind those words. Like the dancer was testing if he was allowed to suggest things. What in the world was life with Camille like?

“Sounds like a plan”, Alec decided and bit his tongue to not pry on things the other wasn’t ready to talk about. “I’ll make the bed for you.” When Magnus opened his mouth to protest he went on. “You’re supposed to be in a hospital. I’m not making you sleep on a couch. Take those painkillers first, yeah?”

Magnus nodded. Still slightly tense but less wary than before. “Alexander... Thank you.”

Alec shrugged, all too aware of the heat rising to his cheeks. “You don’t have to keep thanking me for being a decent human being. Especially for someone important to me.” He coughed awkwardly but wasn’t able to pull back those words. At least he managed to stop himself from confessing that he’d missed being called Alexander.

As it turned out Alec was too slow. By the time he’d managed to find all necessary bedcovers and put them to place Magnus had settled to the couch. And was sleeping more or less soundly, curled up the best as he could.

Alec couldn’t help but smile at the sight. He was tempted to brush a strand of strayed hair from Magnus’ forehead but didn’t dare to risk disturbing the much-needed rest. As he stood there all the urges he’d ran off to Boston to escape came rushing back. Hotter than lava, stronger than ever before. His smile fell.

He was in a deep trouble.

/

Catarina was preparing for her shift when she received a call from Alec. She frowned and tried not to sound worried when picking up. “Hey. How are you two doing?”

“_Okay, I guess._” Alec didn’t sound quite sure of the matter. “_He took some painkillers as soon as we got to my place. He’s been sleeping since then and it was... a long time ago. Does he still need concussion checks?"_”

“I think he needs rest more. But you can try to wake him up soon.” Despite her concern Catarina felt a splash of warmth. “Just so you know... Magnus has never been able to sleep soundly if he doesn’t feel perfectly safe. I’m glad that he’s with you.”

Alec was silent for a few seconds. “_I’m glad that he’s here, too._” It was anyone’s guess what he might’ve said next before deciding against it. “_I’ll call you again if anything changes. Thank you._”

“I’ll call you after my shift.” Catarina couldn’t resist adding. “Take good care of that stubborn idiot.”

“_I will_”, Alec promised with utter conviction.

Catarina ended the call with a smile on her face, feeling more optimistic than she had in a while. She knew that no one person alone was enough to save another from the kind of monsters that were haunting Magnus’ mind. But her friend was now in safe hands. Perhaps there was hope.

/

In the end Alec put on a movie, because he was desperate for something to do. A stupid action comedy he got from Jace was just enough to reboot his brain to a point where he almost managed to not think at all. Without even noticing it he started to comb his fingers through Magnus’ hair when the man began to tremble. It clearly had a soothing impact on them both.

A few minutes later Magnus stirred and woke up. Barely. A pair of half-open, bleary eyes roamed around before recognizing the dancer’s surroundings.

Alec didn’t even try to hold back a smile. “You slept quite a while. Did you have good dreams?”

Magnus nodded the best as he could. “... of Christmas. Haven’t had that dream for a while.” The man yawned before grimacing. “... ‘wish we were still kids.”

“Me too”, Alec admitted. He kept his eyes on the in many ways battered man, before facing a mountain of unfinished applications he hadn’t hidden yet. The pile of paper was the desperate fumbling of a drowning person. “Life was so much simpler then.” Deciding to steer their conversation elsewhere, Alec frowned. “Do you need painkillers? Or... I don’t know, anything?” What did someone recovering from injuries and a toxic relationship need?

Magnus shook his head. And closed his eyes. “... ‘rything I need right here.”

The dancer fell asleep before Alec could process those words properly. The barista continued to caress the other’s hair. He told himself that Magnus’ words were the medication talking. Which did nothing to help with the way they made Alec feel.

The movie definitely wasn’t working. At all. An hour later Alec was desperate enough to take his phone and type words. ‘_I’m in love with Magnus Bane._’ Seeing it glaring back at him didn’t help, either. He didn’t have any idea why he imagined it would. He meant to delete it immediately. His eyes widened from horror when instead he accidently sent it to Izzy, the first name on his contacts list.

Her response was almost instant. ‘_Congratulations. About time you admit it to yourself._’

Alec was tempted to deny all but he was sick and tired of denial. ‘_So what if I am? It’s not like anything could ever come out of it._’ A guy who held on to the closet’s doors with both hands to keep himself from being yanked out... And a guy who just almost got killed by his psycho of a fiancée and definitely wasn’t alright... Nothing good would come out of them trying a relationship, even if Magnus by some miracle felt something similar.

‘_You know my dating history. You imagine I have any answers? Give it time, see what happens or doesn’t. In worst case scenario I’ll supply the tequila. And I’ve been reliably informed that I’m good at hugs._’

Alec’s eyes softened. After a couple of more messages he focused on Magnus once more. He couldn’t resist brushing the man’s cheek with his fingers. His heart stuttered when the dancer leaned instinctively to his touch.

Alec was still utterly lost with his life. He still had zero clue of what he wanted for his future. Or with Magnus, if his feelings indeed were love. (How was one supposed to know something so complicated for sure?) He was probably overthinking... everything again, his mind trying to jump ten steps ahead. But now, finally, there was one thing he knew for sure he wanted more than anything else in the world.

To keep Magnus safe.

(Little did he know yet how complex that would be. Because it wasn’t just Camille Magnus needed protection from. But also from himself.)

/

Magnus woke up again to the stench of something burning. And to Alec muttering. “Oh, no...! No, no, no...!”

Perhaps Magnus should’ve been alarmed. Instead he grinned before pushing himself up from the couch. His shuffling steps were loud but Alec was too preoccupied to notice due to the dinner the barista tried to salvage. “I take it your cooking skills haven’t improved much since we were kids?”

Alec scowled apologetically. “I tried to make something before you’d wake up, but...” The man shrugged and gestured towards the scorched remains that were impossible to identify. Then sighed in defeat. “Takeout it is.”

Magnus definitely wasn’t hungry. But he knew that the other wouldn’t calm down before he at least tried to hold down something. “I saw a Chinese place on our way here. I’ll stop by there.” He lifted a hand when Alec was about to argue. “I insist. I need fresh air, and if I’m going to stay here for a while, the least I can do is feed us from time to time. Is chop suey chicken still your favorite?”

Alec nodded. The man seemed surprised and perhaps touched. “How did you remember?”

Magnus shrugged. “I remember a lot of things about the people who are important to me.” He fled before either of them could overthink those words.

There was another establishment right next to the Chinese restaurant Magnus was far keener to visit. A liquor store. He stood outside it for a few moments, trembling from how hard he tried to convince himself to not enter. The thought of Alec, with a smile that was still so innocent, was almost enough to help him fight back. Until other memories came flooding in.

Of himself finding his mother’s body, her blood staining his fingers while he tried to shake her awake.

Of water filling his lungs while he struggled desperately against the hands holding him under the surface.

Of other unwanted hands on him.

Of holding Ragnor’s hand long after his friend was already gone, waiting for a miracle like an idiot.

Of Camille watching him like he was the most pathetic thing she’d ever seen in her life.

Magnus was in pain, emotionally and physically. He was weak and pathetic, just like people had always said. He marched in, feeling sick to his stomach, and purchased three bottles he was just able to hide under his long coat. The comfort their weight gave him brought a nasty taste to his mouth.

He wondered how long it’d take before Alec would notice what a train wreck he was and give up on him, like so many others had.

/ _"You destroy everything you touch."_ / Perhaps that was true. He'd do his all to keep that from including Alec. But he wasn't strong enough to dispose of the bottles.

/

Magnus was too preoccupied to notice the man watching him from a car. The scent of Camille’s perfume could just be identified while the observer took a phone and sent her a message. ‘_I found him._’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah... Magnus needs help, a lot of it. Because he has far more than just Camille to work on, and even that’s a lot. Alec still has the blinds on because he wants his most important person to be okay but soon he’ll face the facts, too. (sighs) Poor boys! How deep into the rabbit hole do you think they’ll fall? (One thing I can promise you: there'll be no Camille pregnancy scare. I want to spare you from that particular drama, at least...!)
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	7. The Gift of Fleeting Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus does his best to recover. And Alec does his best to help. They end up getting pulled closer as though by gravity. But outside forces are about to interfere...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m SO SORRY that I’m a day late! Christmas-stuff kept me BUSY this weekend. Hopefully this LONG chapter makes up for the wait...?
> 
> THANK YOU, so, so much, for your AMAZING comments, love and support! It means more than you know that you’re supporting me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks... Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride!

/ _Alec didn’t quite understand why his friend was staying at his home and Magnus refused to explain. But it wasn’t like he minded. He had his best friend with him and Christmas was fast approaching. It was the first time he looked forward to celebrating it._

_On December 23rd two boys lay on the ground, making snow angels. “This is stupid”, Alec announced. Despite the fact that he was grinning like a loon._

_Magnus laughed. The sound bubbled out freely and honestly, like a bird rising to its wings for the first time. “Sometimes the best things in life are.”_

_Alec looked towards his friend with curiosity. He hadn’t noticed the invisible weight Magnus carried around until it was gone. “I’m glad that you’re here”, he admitted. He’d probably never know what happened in his friend’s own home. But he knew now that Magnus wasn’t happy there. Because the boy was now._

_Magnus met his eyes. They both smiled and took each other’s hand without noticing it. The snow didn’t feel cold under them. “I’m glad I’m here, too.”_

_Happiness, it seemed, was always doomed to be short-lived for them. Because they both looked up at the sound of a car approaching the house and parking. Alec’s heart thudded uncomfortably when he saw his father climbing out of a taxi. What was he doing back already? He wasn’t supposed to return until after Christmas._

_The way the man looked at Magnus, then stormed inside without saying a thing to either of them... It chilled the teenager to the bone. Their stolen days of bliss were over._

_Robert and Maryse shouted at each other for what felt like ages. An hour and a half later the family had a dinner in a heavy, tense silence. Magnus announced that he wouldn’t attend before Robert could state that he wasn’t welcome. Alec didn’t feel like eating so he poked at his food aggressively._

_Robert didn’t let them finish trying to eat before dropping the bomb. “Your mother allowed Magnus to stay here despite it breaking several important rules. I called a friend of mine. Social workers will pick up Magnus today, so his case can be handled officially.”_

_Maryse appeared ready to hit her husband. The kids... They exploded._

_“What the hell?” Jace shouted. Ignoring the ‘no cursing’ rule. “You’re letting me stay here! Why can’t Magnus stay, too? He’s happy here!”_

_“You can’t just kick him out! It’s Christmas!” Izzy yelled. Father’s daughter raising her voice against him for the first time. “Magnus needs a safe place to stay, and that’s here! Alec, tell him!”_

_Alec couldn’t. Because he couldn’t breathe. He darted a glare at his father that spoke far louder than any words, then stood up so swiftly that he took down the chair he’d occupied. And began to march out._

_“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, come back immediately!” Robert snarled. “You weren’t excused...!” A slammed door cut the rant short._

_On the house’s porch Alec was surprised to see Magnus. The smaller boy had his legs brought against his chest and a horribly sad look in his eyes. “It’s okay”, the child whose many bruises had barely healed murmured. “It was... It was nice, to stay here for a little while. Thank you for that.”_

_It wasn’t okay, of course. Nothing was. Still unable to speak, Alec held on to Magnus’ hand desperately until two social workers appeared. The moment they were torn apart hurt worse than any knife. The sad smile that didn’t reach tear-filled eyes on Magnus’ face was worse. The boy gave him a little wave just before jumping into a black car. And then he was gone._

_Alec did something completely out of character. He broke down to tears, which eventually transformed to helpless sobs. He didn’t even notice it when Jace and Izzy joined him, both laying a supportive hand on his shoulder._

_He was home but he’d never felt so lonely in his entire life._

_Robert’s eyes were unsympathetic while he watched the scene unfolding. “That brat was tearing this family apart and confusing Alec. He had to go.”_

_Maryse’s eyes flashed and for the first time ever he truly feared her. “If you know what’s good for you... Shut up”, she hissed._ /

/

It wasn’t much of a surprise that Magnus had nightmares after they ate the Chinese food. Considering everything that the dancer had gone through Alec had anticipated it. Which didn’t make it any less painful.

Alec had never heard a human being scream the way Magnus did.

With reflexes he hadn’t known he had, Alec jumped up from the couch and dashed to the bedroom. Magnus wasn’t awake yet while the man tossed and turned, whimpering every now and then. Cold sweat could be seen all over the man’s face. Magnus kept muttering something frantically but the words were too incoherent for Alec to understand. Were they even in English?

Alec reacted instinctively, despite a rational voice in his head trying to point out that he might be making a mistake. Every movement determined but gentle, he approached the smaller man and lay a hand on the other’s shoulder. "Magnus, stop, before you pull your stitches." It wasn’t enough to rouse the distressed man so he shook lightly before calling out. “Magnus? Hey, wake up. It’s okay, you’re dreaming.”

Magnus gasped like someone who’d been diving. It was the only warning Alec got before the dancer’s eyes flew open. At that exact moment the man bounced to a sitting position, one trembling hand pressed against his own throat. Unshed tears shone in haunted eyes that stared at nothing. It was a terrible, endless moment, for which the nightmare followed Magnus to the waken world. Then, with two very slow blinks, some clarity returned. “Alec?” The dancer’s voice was small and feeble. Barely recognizable.

“Yeah. I’m right here.” Alec didn’t dare to sigh in relief yet. “You had a nightmare. A... pretty intense one.” He didn’t quite voice the question but it was loud in the air between them.

Magnus buried his face to two unsteady hands and did his best to breathe. It took almost half an hour before the man was able to produce speech. “I’m... so sorry that you had to see that. I’m such a pathetic...!”

“Hey!” Alec frowned while shaking his head. “Nightmares aren’t pathetic. Especially after everything that’s happened.” It didn’t feel like a great moment to mention Camille’s name. Or that he was almost certain he smelled alcohol in the other’s breath. He shifted awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. “Is there... something I can do? I mean, to help.”

This time Magnus seemed to feel awkward. “Just... stay? Like when we were kids.” The man refused to meet his gaze while laying down. “I get that we’re adults now and it’s weird, but...”

Not letting Magnus finish, Alec lay down as well. Leaving a subtle little bit of distance between them. “Since when have you been the one of us who overthinks things?” He wondered if he was actually going insane. But if this was what his former friend needed...

“I know.” Magnus’ attempt at a joking tone fell flat. “I’m as horrified as you are.” The whole sentence was barely out before the dancer was asleep.

Alec told himself that the rest wasn’t found only because of utter exhaustion and alcohol. He closed his own eyes and nodded off quickly. Feeling calmer than he had in a very, very long time with Magnus close.

/

The following morning Alec woke up to the scent of French toast. Curious and hungry, he opened his eyes. A shiver crossed him when he realized that he and Magnus actually ended up sleeping in the same bed. What if it’d make things... awkward now, in the light of a new day?

Apparently there was no need to worry about such matters. Exhausted but apparently in good spirits, Magnus greeted him with a warm smile when he entered the kitchen,. “Good morning!” The man focused on finishing up the breakfast, possibly to avoid meeting his gaze. “You had an excellent timing, I’m almost done. Sit down.”

Alec did. Which was when he noticed a tiny, meticulously wrapped present on the kitchen table. “What’s... the special occasion?”

Magnus shrugged, putting the French toast to two plates. “Just a ‘thank you’, for everything you’ve done for me. I... was supposed to give you that gift when we almost spent a Christmas together as kids.” Neither was very keen to remember a certain day. “It’s not much, but...” The man shrugged. “It’s the thought that counts, is it not?”

“Of course. Thank you.” Embarrassingly curious, Alec began to unwrap. To reveal the kind of an item he’d never seen before. He tilted his head while picking it up tenderly.

“It’s an omamori charm. It’s supposed to bring you luck and protection.” Magnus watched him almost warily. “I... didn’t have much money back then. But I wanted you to have something to protect you when I wasn’t there.”

Alec was so touched that he got choked up. “I love it”, he declared. (To avoid another confession.) Every motion full of adoration, he placed the charm to his pocket. “I’ll always carry it with me.” Just then a thought crossed his mind. “I... got something for you, too, back then. Give me a second.”

He’d kept the would’ve-been-present because he couldn’t stand even the thought of disposing of it. (It would’ve been too much like throwing away a piece of Magnus.) With how many times he’d looked at it over the years he found it easily and returned to the kitchen.

Suddenly self-conscious, Alec cleared his throat. “It’s... pretty stupid. I saw it at this shop and asked mom to buy it for me. It made me think of you.”

Magnus’ eyes were full of warmth when they landed on the present. And widened. “Alexander...! It’s...” The man lost words. “It’s beautiful.”

It was a snow globe. Inside it was a tiny house and a tree. As well as a boy who looked bafflingly lot like Magnus dancing. When the smaller man shook it, a fake-snowflake landed on the boy’s hand and stayed there. “I can’t believe you’ve kept this”, Magnus murmured.

Alec wanted to point out that Magnus never got rid of his gift, either. “We were apart. But... I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Magnus finally managed to look at him. “I... couldn’t stop thinking about you, either.”

Inside the globe snow kept falling softly. The men who were once friends exchanged a small but tender smile. And deep inside them something that never really withered away began to stir to life. 

Eventually Alec cleared his throat. “So... Breakfast?”

Magnus mimicked his gesture. “Yes. Breakfast.”

/

Two days later Maia could tell that Alec had hard time concentrating on work. And it wasn’t only because the morning hours were painfully slow. “He’ll be okay, you know”, she swore with softness most people imagined her unable to muster.

“I know. He told me that he’ll be okay before I left.” Several times over. “I just...” Alec shrugged out of frustration. “This is the first time he’s alone for this long after... You know.”

Maia understood, possibly better than he did. She had a long, nasty scar to prove that she’d had a taste of what Magnus went through with Camille. “If you want to check up on him I can...”

Alec shook his head. “I want to be his friend, not his babysitter. And he hates being coddled. I just... have to trust that if things get bad, he’ll let me know.” He hated being able to do so little.

“In that case...” Maia poured a generous amount of stale coffee that would’ve gone down the drain on the counter. “It looks like you have a mess to clean up.”

Alec smiled, pleased that his friend knew him well enough to get when he needed something to do.

/

Magnus had been holding up fairly well the past couple of days. Alec’s company had helped keep his chaotic thoughts and messed up head in line. But that day Alec, Catarina and Raphael were all busy with work. Usually he might’ve headed to the dance studio but his body was far from healed enough. Stopping by at his home was out of the question because of Camille. He absolutely wasn’t strong enough to face her just yet. There was no other place where he wanted to go when even getting out of the bed was a battle he barely won.

Alec’s apartment helped him feel more at home than he had in a very long time. But as long, lonely hours with only his memories and ghosts from the past keeping him company ticked by... Well. The four walls were quick to start closing in.

After tending to his hideous abdominal wound Magnus cleaned up and did dishes. He would’ve cooked but there was nothing in the fridge and even the thought of going out made him feel sick. He tried to watch a movie but couldn’t concentrate. Then he paced, paced and paced.

It was only twelve thirty. Magnus’ thoughts were a whirring mess and he felt so choked up that it was hard to breathe. There was an itch all over his skin that had nothing to do with physiological reasons. His whole body was on fire from the inside. He kept scratching his arm to a point where he broke skin and tapped his foot insistently. And tried, with all his might, to regain control over himself.

It wasn’t enough.

Hating himself, from the bottom of his heart, for bringing the poison into Alec’s home Magnus marched to the bedroom. There, under the bed, were the bottles he once purchased. He opened one of them and downed a generous amount of alcohol to erase the bitter taste of shame. It didn’t help so he drank more. He kept going until the itch faded away and he no longer felt like scratching off his whole skin. Until he was giggling at himself instead of fighting back tears. By then the bottle was half-empty.

When Alec came back from work Magnus was cooking a beautiful meal. If the barista noticed that he’d used breath mint the man didn’t call him out on it. Instead admired the food with visible adoration. “That looks really good.”

Magnus emitted a scolding sound when the other approached the frying pan with a fork. “No tasters before the real deal!” he admonished. “You can help with the salad. If you think you can handle a cucumber without cutting your finger.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “I did that once! Ages ago...!”

They got lost to an easy, comfortable banter. The domestic air... It was intoxicating. Magnus was just drunk enough to forget, for a few blissful moments, that nothing good in his life ever lasted long.

/

For a few more days Alec imagined that Magnus was doing okay. There were more nightmares, the dancer was a little jumpy sometimes and a few times he caught a whiff of alcohol. But Magnus smiled, joked, took care of the apartment and even headed to the club the man owned twice. Healed, just like their relationship. They talked. Not about the heaviest topics, not yet, but still. Magnus also took steps to rekindle friendships, and not only the one with Alec. Catarina was a frequent visitor. Knowing how... tense things were between Alec and Raphael Magnus didn’t invite the lawyer over but they clearly called and messaged each other a lot. Little by little the man tried to put together a life after Camille. (Or so Alec hoped dearly, anyway.)

Alec received a heavy reminder of how much recovering would have to be done a week after the car-crash. He was coming home from an evening shift when he saw Magnus sitting outside the apartment building. On what had to be freezing-cold steps, a glazed over look in his eyes. The barista frowned, concern tightening his stomach. “Magnus? What are you doing out here?”

Magnus swallowed thickly, refusing to meet his gaze. “I... forgot the key.” The man groaned, visibly humiliated, and ran a hand through his hair. “I feel like such a fool...”

“It’s no big deal, seriously”, Alec cut the self-reprimanding speech. “Right now I’m only worried about how long you’ve been sitting here.” His frown deepened. “Why didn’t you call me?”

Magnus gave him a surprised look. Like the thought of contacting him hadn’t even crossed the man’s mind. “You were working. And I’ve already been far too much of an inconvenience.”

Alec clenched his jaw for a second to keep himself from snapping. “You’re not... some sort of an inconvenience. You’re my friend.” Surely it was okay to call them friends once more?

Magnus’ eyes, still glassy and suspiciously red, softened. “Friend? I like the sound of that.”

Deciding that he’d have to get Magnus somewhere warm, Alec helped the other up. His nose caught something that made him sad, angry and frustrated. “Have you been drinking again?”

Magnus stiffened. Looking like a deer that’d been caught in headlights. The man swallowed convulsively and for a second or two it seemed like he might vomit. “I’m so sorry...”

“Stop apologizing.” By some miracle Alec succeeded in not shouting. “Let me help you. Let all your friends help you. That’s what we’re for.” He breathed in hard. “Here’s what we’ll do. We’re getting you inside. Then you’ll drink several mugs of black coffee to warm and sober up. After that we’ll find you a therapist. Because I think you need one.”

Magnus seemed conflicted. “What if that one won’t be able to help me, either?” It sounded like several therapists had failed before.

Alec shrugged. “Then we’ll find another one. I’m not giving up on you.” It was saying more than he’d meant to but he wasn’t even embarrassed. The dancer deserved to know how deeply he was cared for.

Magnus stared at him in genuine wonder. And wrapped his arms around him before either of them saw it coming. “I’m so lucky to have you back in my life.” _Even though I don’t deserve you_, the man’s body-language communicated.

Alec was even less into hugs as an adult than he was as a kid. But he couldn’t do anything but hold Magnus close, with all there was in him. He vowed to show the man he loved secretly just how many good things he deserved. “Let’s agree that we’re both lucky.”

While heading inside the men had no idea of the woman watching them with venom. Camille bit her teeth together, her eyes flashing. And made a plan.

/

That night a bar was uncomfortably loud when two people met.

It didn’t take a lot to charm Robert Lightwood. Especially for someone as beautiful and cunning as Camille. A few well-chosen words, a seductive smile that promised more than she’d ever give and he was hooked. Unfortunately, or perhaps luckily, spending time with him included him drinking far too much and ranting about his son who came out just to spite him.

“What if I told you that you have a good reason to be worried about your son?” Camille took a sip of her drink. (Which Robert paid for.) “Someone who only brings along trouble is staying with him.”

/

The following day a sharp pair of eyes skimmed through a file. Which included several pictures, as well as a detailed description of the injuries one Magnus Bane sustained. There were also photographs of a wrecked vehicle.

“You’re saying that someone walked out of this practically uninjured?”

“I saw the woman shortly after. Aside bruises she was perfectly unharmed. And her side of the car suffered only light damage.” Luke shrugged. “Some people might call it mad luck, but...”

“... we don’t believe in luck”, Dr. Helen Blackthorn finished. Her eyebrow arched. “That’s one hell of an abdominal injury. He doesn’t have any idea how he sustained it?”

“And the only eyewitness we’ve gotten to talk can’t say if he had it immediately after the crash or not.” Luke refused to call it an accident. “The initial report suggests that it was caused by the vehicle’s metal.”

Helen snorted. “Please...! I know the work of a knife when I see it.” Her jawline widened. “If that woman is as insane as you suspect... Keep a close eye on her.”

/

When the doorbell rang almost immediately after Alec rushed to work Magnus imagined that the barista had forgotten his keys. He headed to the door with a fond huff, finding it oddly comforting that he wasn’t the only one who screwed up occasionally. All happy thoughts vanished and his blood ran cold when he faced the arrival.

Robert Lightwood stormed into the apartment without invitation. “How many times do I have to tell you to stay away from Alec?” the man snarled. Magnus didn’t get the chance to defend himself before the older man barreled on. “You’re nothing but a pathetic, broken piece of filth with blood on your hands. What the hell does Alec see in you? He already almost died once because of you! What more has to happen before you finally get into your thick skull that you’re no good for him?” Robert nodded towards his engagement ring, which he hadn’t found the strength to remove, with palpable distaste. “Crawl back to that partner of yours and leave my son alone.”

/

That day Alec had an evening shift. By the time he rushed to the café, five minutes late, the place was busy. “Someone left you a gift. I told him that you wouldn’t be interested but he was... insistent. I tossed it to the backroom”, Maia reported. “He was a pretty good-looking guy. Definitely a foreigner but I couldn’t place the accent.”

Alec huffed. “Probably just another harmless weirdo.” Over the weeks he’d worked at the café he’d already had several... admirers. For the life of him Alec couldn’t understand why. Perhaps there was a second of curiosity while he wondered what the gift was. At very least he’d have to dispose of whatever it was as soon as possible. But at the moment he had a job to do.

Elsewhere the man who left the so-called present returned to his home and encountered Camille. “_I did what you asked me to. Who is that man? What was so important...?_”

Camille interrupted him with a kiss. “_Do you want me to keep answering your silly questions? Or do you want another kiss, and perhaps something more? Because I can’t use my mouth for both._”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man...! Soooo, who wants to beat up Robert and Camille? These poor darlings...! And oh, Magnus is trying SO HARD to recover. But it’s insanely hard and... outside forces don’t make it any easier. (whimpers)
> 
> Thoughts? Comments? Rants...? Unleash them all – I can take it (I think...)! Hearing from you ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> Until next time, which SHOULD be next Saturday! I really hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	8. Where’s Home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has a choice to make. What will Alec come home to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry that I’m a little late! Christmas season is a black hole when it comes to the time I have on my hands. BUT, here we are! Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so, so much, for your AMAZING comments, love and support! You guys have no idea how much it means to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _After the black car drove away it was like Magnus Bane no longer existed. Wherever he was taken the boy no longer came to visit Alec. Nor did he come back to school. Alec was worried, sad, lonely, angry and confused. How could a person just disappear like that?_

_The other students continued to gossip and gave Alec curious looks the boy ignored easily. The hardest to brush off were the endless questions. The incessant ‘Where’s your boyfriend?’ inquiries ended when Alec, almost a head taller than the rest, lifted one bully to the wall by the lapels. It got him expelled for a couple of days but was far too satisfying for him to regret it. Eventually they grew bored, found other topics to obsess about and left him alone. They moved on, as people do. Alec wasn’t lucky enough to be able to do the same. Because without Magnus in his life it felt like a piece of him was missing. It didn’t help how tense things were at home._

_Then, after almost five months, the universe chose to finally have mercy on him._

_Alec had already stopped looking towards classrooms’ doors hopefully when they opened after a class had started. But that Monday something felt different. Slowly, almost certain that he’d be disappointed once more, Alec looked up from his math tasks when someone entered slowly after a polite knock. He blinked twice, slowly. Then reached the conclusion that his eyes weren’t lying. “Sorry I’m late. It took longer than I expected to get here.”_

_Magnus wore a lot of makeup. And clothes that were so flashy they could only be an armor. But it was definitely the same boy Alec imagined he’d never see again._

_Their math-teacher Jia Penhallow, who usually never seemed to like anything, smiled slightly. “Take a seat. I’ll overlook your tardiness this once but don’t make a habit out of it.”_

_Quite conveniently the only available seat was next to Alec. When Magnus approached it the two of them exchanged a small but meaningful smile. Alec had to restrain himself from touching the smaller boy, just to check that he was real._

_It was quite possibly the longest class Alec had ever suffered through. When it finally ended he and Magnus made their way to a corner at the school’s library no one else ever used. As soon as they were there the questions burst out. “Where have you been? What happened? Do you have a new home...?”_

_Magnus didn’t let him finish, instead wrapped him to a tight, almost desperate hug. Alec melted to it almost instantly and clung back with all his might. “It doesn’t matter where I’ve been. I’m home now”, Magnus murmured._

_Alec smiled like he hadn’t in months. Joy and relief bubbled inside him. “Okay.” Because really, in that moment everything was perfect._

_Even if that perfection would only live briefly._ /

/

The wind beating Magnus’ face was cold and merciless while he stumbled forward. It was a small mercy that there were no spectators around to see him. The last thing he needed at his most pathetic was audience. He was so drunk that it was a miracle he managed to stand, let alone move forward. A combination of stubbornness and a drunk’s luck, he supposed.

Then Magnus reached his destination and didn’t even try to stay upright anymore. He slumped gracelessly to the ground and stared at the name on the stone. To his surprise he wasn’t close to crying. Perhaps everyone has only a certain amount of tears they can shed and he’d used his full reserve.

A few moments later he was no longer alone. In spirit, anyway. Ragnor’s ghost sighed heavily, dramatically, much like when the man was still alive. “You’re drunk again.” How many conversations between them started with those words? (Granted, Ragnor was often drunk with him until his friend realized that he had a... problem.)

Magnus rolled his eyes. Which was what he did a lot back in the better days. “The dead don’t get to judge”, he bit out, not even trying to hide his bitterness.

Unoffended and undeterred, Ragnor sat beside him. “You’re drinking yourself to death and taking your hurt out on a ghost. I get to judge all I like.”

Magnus glared at his late friend. Was there a time when he actually considered that blunt honesty endearing? “I’m doing what it takes to survive.”

Ragnor gave him an unimpressed look. “You’re not trying to survive. You’re sinking.”

Magnus shrugged, glaring at the stone with a heavy, aching heart. “Better to sink alone than pull others down with me.” He hated Robert’s words but the man had a point. He already almost pulled Alec down with him once. It was a mistake he wasn’t keen to repeat.

“And Alec has no say in any of this?”

Magnus huffed and fidgeted. So now that maddening itch was everywhere under his skin even when he wasn’t sober? Fantastic. “Alec has no self-preservation instincts. He’d rather drown to do what he thinks is right than admit defeat and save himself.” Honestly? He imagined that Alec was trying to save himself with running off to Boston. So much for that great escape...

“He’s a grown man able to make his own decisions and handle the consequences. And he cares about you more than I think you understand.” Ragnor sounded so sure of himself, just like when the man was alive. “Don’t push him away or run away from him. He deserves better than that for looking after my dearest friend. You deserve better, too. Prove Robert wrong. Go home. Not to Camille, and for crying out loud, stay away from bridges. We don’t need another London incident.”

Magnus closed his eyes. He wanted to follow Ragnor’s advice but wasn’t sure if he was strong enough. “Go home”, the late man urged while Robert’s voice ordered him to crawl back to Camille. The two voices blurred together until neither made any sense.

A taxi driver gave him a suspicious look when he stumbled in. Likely worried that he might vomit into the car. “Where to?”

Magnus bit back the urge to laugh hysterically. Yes, where to indeed? He had no idea.

/

Opening the package from some random stranger didn’t even cross Alec’s mind. Because the whole day he was plagued by the feeling that something was horribly wrong. He tried to call Magnus during his break but his friend didn’t pick up. The dread deep inside him only intensified and he had to strain his all to be able to pull off the shift.

He was just being a paranoid idiot, wasn’t he?

Eventually it was time to head home. Alec made it there at a record time, constantly chased by the ominous feeling deep inside. At a red light he attempted to call Magnus again. This time the dancer’s phone had been switched off entirely.

Alec’s knees were slightly weak for all the worst reasons when he reached the door of his apartment. A string of muttered curses slipped past his lips when his hands shook and he dropped his keys. Trust him to be at his clumsiest when he was supposed to be at his fastest...!

Alec was so wired up that he jumped when a door opened behind him. Under different circumstances he might’ve been embarrassed for reacting that way to his favorite neighbor. Mrs. Dumpsey was in her early nineties and had a huge enough heart to have love for the whole world. Her dark eyes were troubled when she limped to the hallway, hugging a cat close. “Oh, thank heavens you’re home!” she sighed. “There was some awful shouting coming from your apartment earlier. I was about to call the police but then it was over.” Her cat mewed miserably and she caressed the feline restlessly. “Shh, Church! Mommy is talking." She then refocused on him. "Is everything alright with that young man visiting you? He seems like such a lovely person, helped me carry up my groceries yesterday...”

Alec swallowed hard, feeling cold all the way to his bones. Who the hell visited while he was at work? Camille? Whoever it was didn’t sound like good news. “I’m going to see how he’s doing.” He muttered a hasty ‘bye’ to his worried neighbor, then finally managed to get the door open. To rush into a dark, silent apartment.

“Magnus?” Alec wasn’t too proud to admit that he panicked when there was no response. “Magnus, are you home?” Still nothing.

Of course Alec understood that Magnus was an adult and able to look after himself. But after everything that’d happened recently the idea of the other man vanishing all alone didn’t feel like a harmless coincidence. Especially after he found a hurried note from the kitchen table.

‘_I’m sorry._’

Alec’s head raced with his heart while he tried to choose his next course of action. To start going through possible locations? Or to call Catarina and, if he was desperate enough, even Raphael? What if...?

In the middle of that thought Alec noticed that the balcony’s door was slightly ajar. A spark of hope rising, he headed there with hurried steps. Magnus sat on the floor with legs brought against his chest. The dancer was listening to a cassette player. Despite the recent startle Alec experienced a moment of fondness at someone owning something so old-fashioned. And wondered what the other was listening to with such deep concentration on his strained face.

After considering his next move carefully Alec approached slowly and brushed Magnus’ shoulder gently with one hand. The movement was miniscule but enough to make the other jolt like he’d been electrocuted. The man blinked slowly and cleared his throat, appearing embarrassed, while removing his headphones. They were both uncomfortably aware that Alec could smell alcohol all the way to where he stood. It seemed that Magnus had no idea what to say.

The cassette player was still on and singing carried to Alec’s ears. He nodded towards the item. “She has an amazing voice. Who is she?”

He regretted asking when ache flashed in Magnus’ eyes. “My mother. She recorded that before things... got bad.” The dancer sighed heavily and looked away, too ashamed to hold his gaze. “I’m... I was supposed to leave, to spare you from having to deal with...” The man gestured towards himself with obvious disgust. “... this.”

“What if I want to help you deal with this?” Alec sat down and fought the urge to wrap an arm around Magnus. Every single cell in his body yearned to pull the man close protectively, to hold him in his arms and never let go. Such a strong urge was terrifying. “Running away doesn’t solve your problems. Trust someone who tried.”

Magnus huffed bitterly. “I’ve never been good at running or walking away. That’s a part of my problem.” The drunk-half-out-of-his-mind dancer grimaced and sagged as though under immense weight. “I... I don’t know what to do. I know... I guess I know what I’m supposed to do, but... I don’t know how.”

Alec wasn’t quite sure if he understood what was just said. He sure as hell didn’t know what to do. But he was fairly certain that he’d come up with a good place to start. “You need help. And I’ll make sure that you get it.”

Magnus looked at him as solemnly and curiously as someone who’d consumed an unhealthy amount of alcohol could. Like trying to find the answer to the most difficult and important question in the world. “Why are you so perfect?”

Alec stared. Then coughed before scoffing. “Magnus, I’m nowhere near perfect. I’m a screwup.” Not letting the confused man process his words thoroughly, he went on. “Look, it’s pretty cold here and I think you’ve been outside for too long already. Let’s go inside and get you to bed.”

Magnus blinked slowly. Reminding him of a baby-owl trying to wake up. “Bed?” It was very hard to say if the man sounded shocked, intrigued, thrilled, nauseous, appalled... or just drunk.

In any case, Alec blushed scarlet. He had to try a couple of times before he managed to speak. “To sleep! Not to do... whatever it is that you think I meant.”

“Oh.” Magnus’ facial expression was infuriatingly unreadable. And that was all the verbal response Alec got. The embarrassing little talk was over as fast as it began.

Magnus did his best to cooperate but getting the man to bed without accidentally hurting him was no small feat. Eventually they fell to the bed, Magnus first and Alec landing on him more or less gracelessly. Out of all possible reactions to the outlandish situation the smaller man began to giggle. It was so heartwarming and contagious that Alec found himself giggling, too.

Alec attempted to retreat. Magnus seemed to have a different idea. Determined arms clung to him and the barista found that he didn’t mind.

“... ‘xander?” Magnus mumbled. “... ‘glad I came home ... hate bridges...” And then the man passed out.

Not for the first time Alec wondered what, exactly, his cryptic friend meant. And then he had a far more urgent dilemma in his hands. Literally. It didn’t look like Magnus would wake up anytime soon, or easily. But releasing himself from the practically comatose man’s octopus-like hold was tricky. Besides... Wasn’t it only sensible to stay near? Just in case?

It’d been a long, stressful day. Magnus was right there, still a little cold to the touch but safe. Alec’s ever overthinking brain shut down and he fell asleep.

/

Alec wasn’t able to estimate how long he slept. He woke up to the promising scent of an omelet in the making. For a few seconds he remained confused until memories from the night before flooded in and he groaned, covering his face with both hands.

He would never, ever admit to anyone how many times he’d had dreams of sharing a bed with Magnus. And here they were. Well, reality sadly rarely lived up to expectations...

Alec shook off those pointless musings. He and Magnus would never be... like that. He was lucky that they’d managed to recreate some semblance of a friendship. And Magnus very obviously wasn’t in the headspace to start a relationship with anyone. What the hell was he even doing, letting his mind get carried away?

Magnus needed a friend and that was what Alec would be – even if at the moment he needed a cold shower and a handjob to get himself focused.

By the time Alec made it to kitchen Magnus was serving the breakfast. The man seemed heartbreakingly exhausted and humiliated. But also sober. “I figured that an omelet is the least you deserve after putting up with me last night. I... hope I didn’t say anything too embarrassing.”

Alec shook his head. “No.” Then, choosing to be honest, he went on. “But I think we need to talk after breakfast.” Because Magnus really did scare him the day before, and he didn’t even understand everything that happened yet.

“I know.” Magnus’ Adam’s apple bobbed restlessly. The man avoided his gaze. “You’re not the only one I need to talk to.” There was a long moment of hesitation while they set the table together. “Which shift do you have today?”

That certainly wasn’t what Alec expected to hear. “I... have a day off. Why?”

Magnus glanced towards him only briefly. “I got an appointment with a therapist and I’m afraid I may change my mind if I go there alone.” It was all explained in a rush, like the other feared that he’d chicken out if he slowed down. “I’m not sure why I’m asking you. I understand if it’d be too... weird, or too much. I can always ask Catarina...”

“Magnus.” Alec had to fight hard not to take the dancer’s hand. “I’d be honored to go there with you, if you’ll have me.”

Magnus stared at him in much the same way as the night before. (Alec was tempted to wonder what, exactly, he saw.) “Okay.”

“Okay”, Alec returned, because it seemed to be everything necessary.

While Magnus was taking a shower Alec got a call from Robert. He frowned, wondering why the man contacted him. Then picked up reluctantly. “Is everything alright?”

“_No. We must discuss your obnoxious lifestyle choices, to ensure that a mistake I corrected won’t repeat itself. You’re to attend to a family lunch today._”

All of a sudden it all made sense. Alec felt sick to his stomach. “You yelled at Magnus yesterday.”

“_I demanded him to leave before he messes you up even further than he already has. You got rid of him once. I’m not letting him sink his filthy claws on you again._”

Alec saw red. And spat out words he could’ve never imagined himself uttering. “My mother raised me to look after those who need help. Whether you approve it or not, Magnus is important to me. And yesterday you almost made me lose him a third time.” His eyes narrowed. “Don’t bother calling me when we obviously have nothing civil to say to each other.” He inhaled sharply. “You already disowned me for something I have no control over. Stop trying to ruin the best thing I have in my life.” With that he hung up, wondering what in the world he just did.

It was fortunate that Magnus enjoyed showers and took his time. When the man emerged Alec was almost composed, even though his heart still raced. “Ready to go?”

Magnus nodded tensely. “I wish that I had my makeup bag to make myself halfway representable with, but.... I suppose this will do.”

Alec bit his lip to keep himself from exclaiming how beautiful Magnus looked. He also didn’t mention Robert. Opening that particular can of rotten worms could wait until Magnus felt less shaky and vulnerable. Instead he took the other’s hand without thinking about it twice and led them out of the apartment. (They didn’t let go before reaching the therapist’s office.)

They’d been driving for five minutes in a silence before Alec spoke up. “Magnus, what you’re doing right now, the way you’re pulling yourself together... I’m proud of you.”

Magnus snorted. Sounding disbelieving. “Why?”

“Because you’re the strongest person I know”, Alec answered simply and sincerely.

Magnus said nothing to that but the hold on his hand tightened. If Alec wasn’t so focused on the heavy traffic he might’ve heard the whispered words. “... because of you ...”

/

It was painful and horribly draining. As therapy sessions tend to be. But Magnus knew that he did the right thing, even if it didn’t feel that way immediately. Afterwards he waited for fifteen minutes to seem less shellshocked before going to the waiting area. He was sure that Alec had already left.

Of course the barista hadn’t. Alec had been fiddling with his phone but looked up before being called out, as though having sensed him. A concerned pair of eyes searched through his. “It was a rough one, huh?”

Magnus nodded. He was utterly exhausted but... “You waited here for all this time, wasted your day off on me. What can I do to make it up to you?”

Alec’s answer was immediate. “Go home with me. That’s all I need from you. If you still feel like doing something more later you can order us pizza.”

Magnus wished that he would’ve had enough energy to smile. Instead he leaned against the taller man while they began to walk away. When the other’s arm wrapped around him as a response neither overthought it.

Hard as he tried, Magnus couldn’t remember a time before this when he looked forward to going home. He knew that he didn’t deserve it, he knew that he was doomed to lose it sooner or later. But his battered heart clung to this unfamiliar comfort with the despair of a drowning man.

/

When Camille met Robert the man was seething. “That ungrateful brat of mine found out that I... talked to Magnus. And doesn’t want anything to do with me.” The man downed a drink unhealthily quickly. “If this plan of yours fails...!”

“Patience.” Camille took a savoring sip of her chardonnay. “I delivered Alec a little package. Soon he’ll know exactly what a life with Magnus entails. After that...” She shrugged and smiled sweetly at her companion. “... you won’t have to worry about their relationship anymore.” _Poor sweet, innocent Alec, soon you’ll know exactly what sort of a black hole Magnus sucks the people around him into..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is still fighting so, so hard to try getting better. And they’re growing closer...! (grins) But oh man, let’s see if Camille and Robert manage to screw that up...
> 
> Soooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments always make my day.
> 
> Until next time! I really hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care! To those who celebrate it, MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HOLIDAYS to every single one of you! (HUGS)


	9. Fear of the Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tries to face the monsters marching in his head. He and Alec also share some tender moments. In the meantime something quite unexpected is revealed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Wrapping this up took a while because my head couldn’t decide which parts it wanted to include now. (chuckles) BUT, here we are.
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for all your comments, love and support! This story isn’t the easiest journey on Magnus or our hearts. I’m happy beyond all words that you’re taking it with me! (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks... Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _In many ways life returned to what it was before. Alec and Magnus were best friends. Wherever Magnus lived the boy never invited him over but Alec was so used to it that he didn’t question it. They faced bullies and loudly expressed questions about the nature of their relationship together. Increasingly often Izzy and Jace joined them. The school’s most popular students spending time with two outcasts raised a lot of eyebrows. One glare from Izzy was enough to chase away anyone staring. At home Alec’s mom helped keep news of the rekindled friendship from reaching his father’s ears. (She knew that her son might not survive losing Magnus a second time.)_

_It was by no means perfect. But it was Alec’s perfection, because he didn’t need much and he had it all. Before the kids knew it another Halloween was fast approaching._

_There were a few teachers Alec didn’t like. (Someone who knew him poorly might've claimed that he didn't like anyone.) Their biology teacher Iris Rouse was one of them, although he wasn’t entirely sure why she always made cold shivers go down his spine. He frowned when one afternoon Magnus left her classroom, pale and visibly shaken. “What did Rouse want?” he demanded immediately, his protective instincts on high alert._

_Magnus couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes. “She... wanted to talk about that test I got a C from. She didn’t appreciate me underperforming.”_

_Alec’s frown deepened. “It was too hard and you were sick when you took it! She can’t accuse you of...!”_

_“It’s fine. I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” Magnus slipped something to the pocket of his pants and went on before Alec could ask about it. “The next class is swimming and I hate it. I think I’ll sneak out.”_

_Alec was about to offer to go along. Raj’s unwanted voice interrupted him. “Skipping swimming like the pansy you are? What, you’re scared that you’ll get too excited?”_

_Magnus’ eyes narrowed. There was a hint of vulnerability in them despite all the warpaint-makeup. “Who would’ve thought that you have that many words in your vocabulary. Do you know what they all mean?”_

_Raj folded his arms and smirked smugly. “Prove it. Or everyone’s going to consider you a chicken on top of all else.”_

_Alec growled. “Leave him alone! It’s...”_

_“Fine.” Magnus lifted his chin bravely. “I won’t skip it this time. But don't imagine for a second that I’d give a crap about your opinion.”_

_Alec didn’t like it, at all, although he couldn’t understand what caused his apprehension. He especially didn’t like that their teacher, Hodge Starkweather, was late. Which meant that the group of teenage boys didn’t have adult supervision. It was doomed to go disastrously wrong._

_Later everyone involved would claim that it was an accident. Alec suspected that it was anything but. One moment Magnus was walking a step or so behind him. Then there was a scream, followed by a splash. While Magnus struggled in visible terror to not slip under the surface Raj and a few others laughed. Until they realized that the boy genuinely couldn’t think rationally enough to start swimming. And then Magnus sank under._

_It was one of those moments in which time stood still. Alec couldn’t breathe while his heart raced. The rushing of his blood deafened him to the panicked shouting around him. Hard as he tried, he couldn’t move. Shock had paralyzed his muscles._

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Magnus wasn’t coming up._

_Suddenly there was a new splash and Hodge was diving towards Magnus. There was what looked like a brief struggle before the man hauled the boy up and to the pool’s edge. Magnus coughed and gagged, a hand pressed tightly against his throat although it had to make breathing difficult. It took a while before Alec realized that some of the moisture on the other’s cheeks was tears. Even Raj didn’t tease Magnus for crying. No one was laughing anymore._

_At last Alec was able to move. He dashed to his friend and wrapped a protective arm around the smaller boy when Magnus could barely sit. The other trembled violently the whole time, blue-tinged lips muttering words that were scarcely audible. By then Magnus squeezed his own throat hard enough to likely leave a bruise. Eventually Alec’s ears caught some of those words. “... don’t make me go to the water, please ... I’ll be good, don’t do this again ... please ....”_ /

/

Magnus glared at the glass of water in his hold like it’d offended him. Six sessions in and they were still making him feel so drained that it was impossible to determine whether they did more harm than good. On a level of reason he knew that he needed this. Another part of him wanted to walk away and never come back.

“We’ve talked about some pretty heavy things today.” He felt his therapist’s eyes on him before she went on. “Thank you, for sharing that with me.”

Magnus shrugged. “You had most of it on that file of yours.” He was being honest in the kind of an obnoxious way that’d pushed people away from him before. Because he was feeling achy and vulnerable after sleeping less than an hour the night before due to horrific dreams. And he was going mad from the itch of two days, four hours and twelve minutes without drinking.

“I preferred hearing it from you. I can also sense that there are things you’re not willing to discuss yet. And that’s alright, we’re taking this at your pace.” She wrote down something and he preferred not guessing what it was. “You’ve spent your whole life hiding things from everyone around you and I can see the toll it’s taking. Have you ever considered telling anyone outside therapy...?”

“Not a good idea.” Some people had attempted to tolerate the emotional mess he was. (Camille wasn’t the first one who did so out of amusement, like he was a toy.) The things he’d done, just to survive... Now that was another matter altogether for people to accept. Surely even Alec’s understanding had limits. He glanced up to quit thinking about the man he hadn’t stopped loving since they were teenagers. To find the therapist watching him curiously. Right, he needed to give a shrink-approved answer. “I’m not ready for that step yet.”

“Then what would be the kind of a step you’re ready to take?”

/

When Magnus invited Catarina over and asked her not to bring Madzie she had no idea what to expect. In full honesty, she dreaded something far from pleasant. Things could get really bad for Magnus when he was feeling low.

Magnus opened the door wearing clothes that’d been borrowed from Alec and with no makeup on his face. He appeared exhausted and incredibly vulnerable but also determined. And he seemed to need a hug, which was precisely what she gave him. To her surprise he clung back almost desperately. Magnus had always loved embraces, so long as he wasn’t surprised by them, but never to that extend.

Once they eventually broke apart, he led her to the kitchen. Where five bottles of strong alcohol stood on a counter. Shame filled his eyes while they remained fixed on the bottles instead of facing her. “I, ah... I know that I have to pour them away. And I tried to take care of them on my own but...” He shrugged and showed her his trembling hand, intense frustration clearly present in every motion. “I couldn’t ask Alec to help. I didn’t want him to see all this. So...” He trailed off.

“Hey.” Catarina nudged at him with her shoulder. “I’m glad you asked for my help. And I’m glad that you’re doing this. So let’s get started.”

Magnus watched, trembling to his core and arms folded tightly across his chest, while she poured away the alcohol. Was he even breathing properly? Catarina would’ve offered words of comfort but knew that what she was doing had far more worth.

A sharp, choked breath that sounded like it’d been trapped inside Magnus for ages escaped when the last drops vanished. Of course they both knew that the simple deed alone didn’t guarantee sobriety. Magnus could go and get more alcohol whenever he liked. But the gesture had an immense amount of symbolic value.

Catarina didn’t ask if her friend was okay because she knew that he wasn’t. Not yet, not even close. Instead she fetched her bag and rummaged through it. “As soon as you sent that message, I had a feeling that this would be the ‘eat ice-cream until you feel sick’ kind of a day. So...” She revealed two massive boxes of said substance. “Ta-da!”

Magnus grinned. It was small and didn’t quite reach his eyes. But it was a start. “You’re a magician.”

An hour later they sat side by side on a couch, devouring the ice-cream. Neither focused on the old movie they were supposed to be watching. “Like I already said, I’m glad that you did what you did today.” Catarina hesitated for a second. “But... What, exactly, brought it on?” She had a hunch but she needed him to admit it out loud.

To both their surprise Magnus answered quickly and easily. “Alec.” The dancer seemed embarrassed. “He... He came back. He seems to want me in his life again and lets me stay here. And the things he says to me...” Magnus shook his head. “I don’t deserve it, or him. But I want to try, I have to try.”

Catarina wrapped an arm around him and kissed the top of his head when he leaned it against her shoulder. “Let’s agree that you’re delusional when it comes to what you deserve.” She paused but not for long enough to let him protest. “Alec does you good, you know.”

“I’m terrified of what I do to him in return.” Magnus’ eyes carried a conflicted look. “The other day I heard him shouting at his father on the phone. Because of me. He defended me when Robert tried to tell him the truth about me.”

Catarina’s eyebrow bounced up. She knew that Robert Lightwood wasn’t her friend’s biggest fan. “And what, exactly, do you imagine is the truth?”

Magnus refrained from answering, instead scooped ice-cream like the treat was the solution to all life’s problems. It took almost more patience than Catarina had and nearly three full minutes before the man spoke up. “I’m no good for Alec, but... I’m selfish.” Self-hatred was loud and clear in his tone. “I can’t bear even the thought of losing him again.”

Catarina sighed. In moments like this she wanted to smack and hug Magnus simultaneously. “It’s not selfish that you want to be happy.” And she’d never seen him appear anything close to happy until now, with Alec in his life.

Magnus said nothing. Possibly didn’t even hear her. When she checked she discovered that he was asleep.

The movie had ended long ago and Catarina switched between several awful reality shows when Alec came home. Her heart constricted at the way his eyes softened when he saw Magnus. “Is he okay?” the barista whispered. Of course she knew what he really asked.

“He’s sober”, she replied with a tender smile few had seen on her face. Sober for Alec – for now. The two of them would make sure that one day Magnus would look after himself for himself, too.

Together they helped Magnus lay down comfortably. The dancer groaned and frowned but didn’t wake up. Catarina noticed the way Alec brushed Magnus’ cheek but didn’t point it out. The gesture was far too intimate and loving for anyone to get teased because of it. It also told her what she’d needed to know.

Alec wasn’t going to run away with Magnus’ heart again.

Alec’s whole attention had been on Magnus but the man glanced towards her when she started to leave. “Aren’t you staying for coffee? Or... something?”

Catarina shook her head. “Nah, I think I’m good to go. Magnus has just what he needs on hand right now.”

She wished she could’ve taken a picture of the proud smile on Alec’s face without it being weird. She’d stopped by at the café where he worked a lot without him noticing. Now, with Magnus right there with him, was the first time she saw him smile properly. A pity, really, that Alec felt the urge to share his smile with the world so rarely. She’d always suspected that he had a beautiful one and now she knew for sure.

/

A week later Alec came home from work to a suspiciously quiet apartment. His stomach clenched. “Magnus? Are you home?” With a few long strides he’d reached the bedroom’s doorway and froze.

Magnus sat on the floor, surrounded by bedcovers that’d fallen from a cabinet. Holding a sketch book he recognized all too easily. The man gave him a sheepish look. “I didn’t mean to snoop around but this fell when I tried to grab a fresh sheet.” Magnus’ attention returned to the book. “I remember this from our schooldays. I didn’t know that you still draw.”

Alec shrugged. “Not so much anymore. I’ve tried to focus on more mature stuff.”

Magnus snorted. “’Mature stuff’? That’s so overrated.” The man’s eyes softened still while he turned a page. “I don’t understand why you never considered making a career out of this. You’re incredibly talented.”

“No, I’m not.” Alec still remembered, perfectly, the words with which his father drilled that belief to his mind. (‘_Stop living with your head in the clouds, Alec! Do you seriously imagine that these... things are going to make you a living?_’ With that Robert threw down the sketch book like it was garbage, not Alec’s heart and soul put on paper. ‘_Enough with this pathetic nonsense. You’re not an artist._’) “I just... scribble sometimes. I haven’t in years.” He stopped months after moving to Boston. His inspiration was gone.

“I know many artists. You’re more of one than most of them”, Magnus argued. “Whoever told you...” He trailed off, eyes widening a fraction.

Curious, Alec peered down. Panic bubbled in the pit of his stomach when he saw the drawing that caught Magnus’ attention. It was of a male-angel with a broken wing, on his knees and head bowed. The figure’s back was towards the spectators but the hairstyle was unmistakable.

He made it after the infamous pool incident while Magnus very clearly wasn’t okay for a while. Alec was supposed to give it to his friend to cheer him up but chickened out. What if Magnus recognized himself? What if...?

“Alexander, this...” Magnus swallowed. “This is absolutely amazing. All these details...! The use of shadowing... And I can practically feel those feathers quivering.” The man tilted his head while a gentle finger brushed the angel. “He looks so broken.”

Alec shook his head firmly. “He’s not broken. He just needs help.”

Magnus looked up at him and for a second he feared that he’d given away too much. “I...” The man hesitated. “There’s... somewhere I think I have to go. To get a closure on something. If you’re not busy... Do you think you could come with me?”

Honestly? Alec would’ve gone absolutely anywhere with Magnus, especially when the other invited him visibly at his most vulnerable. He nodded without the slightest hint of hesitation. “Let’s get going.”

Alec had many guesses of where they might be headed. The about last location he would’ve suspected was a public swimming pool. “It’s closed”, was the first verbal comment he could muster.

Magnus attempted to smirk but it fell flat. “I know someone.” Not leaving room for further questions, the man went on while sneaking in through a backdoor that was very much unlocked. “Let’s get changed.”

With the whole building at their disposal they had more than enough space to slip into the swimming gear they borrowed without the other seeing. There was, however, only one pool. And by it they saw each other. In an instant Alec’s mouth went dry.

Magnus’ recent wound had closed but the skin appeared red and tender. There were also a few older scars. The barista’s attention, however, locked on the body that’d been shaped by dancing and countless of workout hours. It wasn’t exaggeration at all to decide that Magnus was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life.

Alec was too worked up to notice that Magnus looked at him in much the same way, with similar hunger.

They both sobered soon when it was time to slip into the water. Alec frowned and looked at his friend. “You don’t have to do this if...”

Magnus shook his head firmly despite being a few shades paler than usual and trembling visibly. “I’m doing this. I’m not letting that man have a hold on me anymore.”

Alec bit his tongue to not ask who ‘that man’ was. Obviously this whole thing was far too fragile for questions. Out of silent agreement Magnus let him go first. Once he was safely in the water, his feet firmly on the bottom of the pool, Alec turned to help the dancer.

Magnus hesitated for the longest time, his trembling intensifying with each passing second. Then clenched his jaw, gritted his teeth and started taking steps down the ladder leading to the water. It was a slow, painful process. But eventually Magnus was all the way there. And slipped.

Alec reacted instantly to prevent another horrible experience. With secure arms he steadied his secret love, even in that intense moment aware of how their hearts raced in sync. His hold was steady but gentle. Magnus didn’t even try to move away from it. Time... It stood still.

“Are you okay?” Alec murmured at last.

Magnus nodded slowly despite clinging to him so hard that the man's nails nearly dug through Alec's skin. Then lifted his head to watch him from beneath lashes. “Yeah. I think I am.”

Their lips were so close. They felt one another’s every shaky breath. The temptation was almost too much. But in the end Magnus wrapped his arms around him and leaned his head against his shoulder. The barista held back so eagerly that with anyone else it would’ve been embarrassing. The smaller man was still shaking but there, in Alec’s embrace, it began to subside. In light provided by nothing but the moon peering in through a window it was just the two of them. Safe and sound in an element Magnus was deathly afraid of, together.

And somehow it was the most intimate thing either of them had ever experienced.

/

Jonathan Morgenstern was a pathetic young man with a powerful father. Luke bit back a groan when he entered the interrogation room to find one lawyer sitting at each side of Jonathan. Camille was too smart to try representing the guy herself but she’d definitely ushered two of her top-dogs to the job.

“This had better be good”, one of the lawyers, Aldertree if Luke recalled correctly from previous unfortunate encounters, hissed.

“I’d say that a case of stabbing is rarely anything good”, Luke countered while sitting down. (He hated this, but at least he was luckier than his partner who had to break the news to Magnus.) “You missed a surveillance camera, Mr. Morgenstern. According to the footage you encountered a man who’d just been in a car accident. You had a lot to say to him before striking him with something that seemed a lot like a pocket knife.”

“You don’t have to say anything...”, Aldertree started but was ignored.

“He was so drunk he could barely walk. How was I supposed to know about the accident? I offered him a ride home and a lot of money in exchange for his usual services. He refused, apparently too good to do his job anymore. I got angry. I don’t remember what I did next.” Quite possibly due to his own inebriated state, but Luke had no way of proving that anymore.

Luke’s eyebrow bounced up. That... didn’t sound right. “His usual services?”

Jonathan shrugged. “Yeah, well. You know. I used to be a regular customer.” Seeing his continued confusion, the younger man started to laugh loudly. “You don’t know...! You have no idea what Magnus Bane really is, do you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Jonathan, for being too darned stupid to keep your mouth shut. Slow claps all around...! But oh man... Just HOW messed up has Magnus’ life been?! Let’s hope that Alec will stay beside him through what’s to come...!
> 
> SOOOO... Was that ANY good, at all? I hope you won’t hate me for what’ll happen and what will be revealed...! (winces) PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments mean more to me than I can say.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Magnus and Alec face Camille. And after some subtle little manipulation Alec finally opens the gift...
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	10. Dancing from Joy to a Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus face Camille. After her subtle little manipulation Alec finally opens her gift..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was on of those points I saw coming long before I started typing this story. But actually writing it... Oh boy!
> 
> Before letting you see what the heck I’ve done... THANK YOU, so much, for your comments and support! They mean more to me than words can say. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks... Let’s go! This is going to be heavy. But I hope you’ll enjoy the ride, anyway!
> 
> (SONG FOR INSPIRATION: 'Shallow' from Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper)

/ _Time passed by. Magnus and Alec grew up. Eventually Alec’s fifteenth birthday was almost on hand. While Alec was painfully inexperienced and in many ways innocent, he was able to read his friend’s behavior enough to realize something. Magnus had started seeing people. Nasty rumors had it that the boy had also slept with far more than one of them, boys and girls alike. It bothered Alec more than it should’ve._

_They were definitely too old to make snow angels. Even if Magnus would’ve still snuck in during nighttime, they were also too old to share a bed without it being awkward. They were too old to even hold hands without it being weird. And those awful feelings inside Alec his father said were wrong... They continued to grow._

_Alec was changing. Magnus was changing. Their friendship was changing. And Alec hated it because he’d never done well with changes._

_It all culminated on Alec’s birthday. Bullies made comments on how ‘close and cozy’ he was with Magnus, someone wondered out loud if he was one of Magnus’ fuckbuddies. That very day it was more than Alec could stand. When his friend touched his shoulder comfortingly, he lashed out. “Stop it!” he hissed. “I don’t want you touching me! I’m not... like that. Got it?”_

_He’d never, ever forget how hurt and wounded Magnus seemed. “Okay.” The class began and the smaller boy withdrew, physically and emotionally, before Alec got the chance to apologize. Nor did he get that chance after the class because Magnus vanished in a flash. Only leaving taped on his locker’s door the kind of a silly birthday card they’d exchanged for years. (They competed annually which one made the other laugh louder.) The words added to it hastily made Alec feel even worse._

_‘_I’m sorry I upset you._’_

_It was one of the worst birthdays Alec had ever had. His mom was busy with Max, who had a nasty case of flu. Izzy and Jace bickered through most of the cake eating. His father, who was on a business trip, didn’t even remember. And Magnus wasn’t there. In the end he left the cake to his siblings and headed to the treehouse despite the pouring rain raging outside. He almost burst into tears when Magnus wasn’t there._

_Alec waited until close to midnight and was about to nod off until there was a creaking noise. Magnus froze at the sight of him, guarded but hopeful. “Are we friends again?”_

_“I’ll never stop being your friend”, Alec declared solemnly. Desperate to make the other see how serious he was. “I’m... I’m so sorry, for...”_

_“It’s okay. Already forgotten.” Of course it wasn’t. Magnus completed the journey, then started to dig something from the bag he brought along. “I... was kind of hoping that you’d be here.” Shyly the teenager gave him a present. “Happy Birthday, Alexander.”_

_Curious, Alec opened it and gasped upon finding an iPod._

_“You said that Jace broke your old one. So...” Magnus shrugged._

_Alec stared at the other in bewilderment. “It’s... It’s amazing! Magnus, thank you! But it’s too...”_

_“It’s not too expensive if it’s for you”, Magnus insisted._

_Alec couldn’t hold himself back any longer. Surprising them both, he pulled his friend to a tender embrace. “This... isn’t weird, right?”_

_“No.” Magnus clung to him a bit more tightly. “This isn’t weird.”_

_Alec was scared of the fact that he never wanted to let go. The most terrifying part... It was finally understanding properly why the other’s... flings bothered him so much._

_He’d gone and fallen in love, and it was the worst thing he’d ever done._ /

/

When Alec, who’d been grocery shopping, received a call from Luke, asking him to come home, dread went all the way through him. He didn’t exactly feel better after getting there to find the man waiting with Magnus, who was very visibly distraught. “... on your side, alright? Come what may.” The detective seemed relieved to notice him. “Call me, at any time.” With those words aimed at Magnus Luke left.

Alec barely noticed because his whole attention was on the dancer. “Magnus? What’s going on?”

It took some time and a great deal of effort before Magnus spoke quietly, purposefully not facing him. “My wound... That night when I was in the car accident... Apparently someone stabbed me. Someone I used to...” The man trailed off and shook his head, eyes blazing from self-hatred. “... and I was so drunk that I... I couldn’t even remember.”

Horror struck Alec like a blade. He swallowed hard, wondering just how close he came to losing the one he... “They’ve arrested him, right?” He went on at a barely decipherable nod. “Good. We’ll make sure that he gets what he deserves.” He put some emphasis on the ‘we’, hoping that it’d offer some little comfort. He went on when Magnus barely reacted. “What do you need?” Because he was willing to do anything to make some of that fresh pain go away.

Magnus met his gaze agonizingly tentatively. “Do you remember when you turned fifteen?” No further explanation was needed.

They spent the whole night lay on Alec’s bed. Listening to the iPod Magnus gave him, which by some miracle worked, each wearing one earbud. It still didn’t feel weird.

/

Izzy had seen a lot of beautiful things in her life. Watching Magnus training dancing for the first time since the accident and stabbing... Seeing the joy in those eyes that were far older than the body they belonged to and looked like they’d seen too many awful things... Physically feeling the thrill radiating from the man... It was like watching someone coming back to life. And brought her far closer to tears than she would’ve cared to admit.

The only thing more beautiful was the way Alec looked at the man. Like someone keeping guard on their whole world. If only Magnus would’ve seen it...! Izzy’s eyes softened. “The time isn’t right yet, but when it is... You have to tell him. For both your sakes.”

Alec blinked twice. As though waking up from a trance. “Tell him what?”

Izzy was still contemplating whether she should hug or smack her bonehead of a brother when the music stopped. Magnus seemed surprised and delighted to find them both there. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

“Before going to work this worrywart wanted to make sure that you’re okay after your first training session.” Izzy went on while the men blushed adorably, avoiding each other’s eyes. (Seriously, were they twelve...?!) “I have a day off and I wanted to spend it raiding clothes stores with the only person who loves shopping as much as I do.” It was the best way she could think of to express that she’d missed spending time with Magnus while Alec was away. (Lightwoods had never been good at talking about their feelings.)

Magnus’ smile was tiny but not one of those flashy ones with which he hid how he truly felt. “I’d never say ‘no’ to a shopping trip with Isabelle Lightwood. First, though, I need a shower. And...”

“... makeup?” Izzy lifted a bag of supplies. (She’d been hoping for a chance to give it to him since learning that Magnus was finally emotionally well enough to start paying attention to his appearance.) “I’m one step ahead of you.”

Magnus’ gaze communicated ‘I missed you’ as much as Izzy wanted to say it. The dancer shook his head fondly. “You certainly know the way to my heart.”

Izzy almost let slip that someone else got it first upon noticing the longing glances the men cast at one another when the other wasn’t looking.

/

That evening Alec grinned when he came home to hear French music playing. His heart skipped a beat as he found Magnus dancing absentmindedly. “Good day, huh?”

Magnus smiled. “A very good day.” With that the man grabbed him to continue swaying with him.

Alec squeaked indignantly but couldn’t bring himself to pull away. “Magnus! I can’t dance!”

“Nonsense.” Magnus sounded so genuinely happy that it was contagious. And their bodies... They fit together all too perfectly. “Everyone can dance a little. Just follow my lead.”

Alec wanted to say ‘I love you’ so badly that it was ridiculous.

“You’re adorable when you blush.”

“Shut up.”

/

A few days later Magnus was finally ready for a step that was as inevitable as it was terrifying. He couldn’t rely on Catarina delivering him what he needed anymore. Eventually he had to visit his own damned home.

The scent of Camille’s perfume slapped him across the face as soon as he entered and he felt so sick that he nearly gagged. All the memories, all the twisted and warped feelings he’d struggled to tackle... They were like poison that rushed through him with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

“Are you okay?” Alec murmured.

Magnus shook his head, opting to be honest when he physically couldn’t muster a lie. He forced in a deep, sharp breath, stubborn to the last. “I appreciate you coming here with me.” He didn’t think he would’ve been able to come alone. “But... Can you wait here?” He couldn’t stomach even the thought of Alec seeing the bedroom he once shared with Camille.

Somehow, impossibly, Alec seemed to understand. The barista nodded reluctantly. “Just call out if you need me.”

For a second, just one, Magnus felt a splash of warmth for the devotion he didn’t deserve. Then, his feet heavy, he forced himself to move forward. He wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that the bedroom was exactly as he last saw it. If the memories were overwhelming before in that nest of a million unpleasant ones they were unbearable.

Operating as fast as he could, Magnus marched to the drawer, opened a small safety-deposit box and began to rummage through it. With each second his anxiety grew. He couldn’t have lost...!

He felt a chill go down his spine exactly a heartbeat before Camille spoke. (Where was she hiding?) “Did you really think that I wouldn't find your hiding place and figure out the code to open it?” Sensing his horror, she chuckled. “Don’t worry, I didn’t send your dirty little secret to those running the dance studio. You disobeyed me but I have no intention to destroy your whole pathetic little life.” She tilted her head to show her hickey just as he turned to face her. (It didn't have the impact on him she'd been hoping for.) “You have to be taught a lesson, though. And you obviously need a reminder of what you deserve. So I had your filthy little secret sent to that precious Alec of yours. It’s only a matter of time before he opens that gift and learns everything.”

It was like the ground caved in under Magnus’ feet. His blood ran cold. Only sheer willpower kept him from sinking to his knees.

Camille approached him and raised a hand. He shivered, anticipating a slap. And shuddered again when she pressed her palm against his cheek instead, almost tenderly. “Poor little Magnus.” She whispered in his ear. “He came close, you know. But who could ever love you after getting to know you?” She then pulled back a little and nodded towards the fingers still held against his skin. “For the record, I’m keeping the ring. I deserve it after putting up with you.”

Sadness slashed Magnus. The ring he proposed to her with to keep her from leaving him was the only physical memento he had left of his mother. Still... He lifted his chin. What did he have to lose if she’d cost him Alec before long? “Keep it. I don’t need it any more than I need you.”

Camille’s eyes flashed. But instead of lashing out she played with the ring. “Look at that heartbreak in your eyes...! I’m so glad that everything I need is material. Such a pity that you’ll never get what you need. Isn’t it?”

Magnus clenched his jaw. It was incredible how much he could despise someone he once loved. “Get the hell out of my house”, he growled. “I should’ve never let you in.”

Camille shrugged. She picked up a bag and began to head out. “Pack lightly. Your stay with Lightwood will end soon.”

/

Perhaps Camille was walking out first. But she still felt like a winner. Because right outside the door stood Alec, who seemed to have heard pretty much her entire exchange with Magnus. She smiled smugly at the questions and disgust in his eyes. ‘Open your gift and you’ll know’, she mouthed.

Just before walking out she heard Alec asking softly if Magnus was alright. The answer was so silent that she didn’t catch it. Looking over her shoulder, she saw the tentative way the taller man took the shorter one’s trembling hand in his. After a second Magnus’ fingers curled desperately around Alec’s.

Camille almost felt sorry for them – almost.

/

After the less than pleasant meeting Magnus’ head and heart hurt. He wasn’t sure which was worse. Having to meet Camille, her threat or the questions he could feel heavier than lead in the air between him and Alec.

He could’ve begged Alec not to open the gift but that would’ve led to actually voiced questions that’d inevitably reveal too much. A thousand times he mulled over possible answers but only ended up loathing himself more when the memories tortured him. Maybe Alec wouldn’t end up despising him after learning the full truth. But his newly regained friend wouldn’t ever look at him or think of him the same way.

Alec was nothing but pure and honest. Magnus was the kind of a person who tainted everything beautiful he touched, starting from his own mother. Soon Alec would realize that someone like Magnus had no place in his life. And perhaps it meant that the dancer was horribly selfish but he couldn’t bear even the thought of the barista walking out of his life again. Yet every second seemed to tick towards that inevitable heartbreak.

As if the very universe had been mocking him, he got a message the following morning. ‘_The work you ordered is now ready. You can come and collect it today._’

Magnus hoped, from the bottom of his battered heart, that it wouldn't be a goodbye gift.

/

As much as Alec hated himself for it, he couldn’t get the talk he overheard out of his head. And he became obsessed with the gift he’d almost forgotten. Fortunately it was a slow evening so the café’s owner sent him and Maia home early.

Noticing what he carried Maia frowned. Then nodded towards the gift. “Are you sure?”

Alec snorted. “No. But I need to know.”

As soon as he made it home Alec began the process of unwrapping. A not exactly small part of him feared that it might be a bomb or something equally unpleasant. What he found was far less dramatic, at least superficially.

Alec unraveled a black, wooden box. On top of it had been taped a computer-written note. ‘_This is your very own Pandora’s Box. Do you want to know who Magnus Bane really is? Open this and you will never look at him the same way again._’

A part of Alec’s mind screamed that he was making a mistake. Just like Pandora. He ignored that voice, lifted off the lid and peered in.

He didn’t find just one item but a whole collection. The first one was a police report. A man died in his home after slipping on a wet bathroom floor. He was the sole guardian of his stepson, who was later admitted to a hospital with some suspicious injuries. Including evidence of strangulation and severe beating. The boy ended up developing a pneumonia due to the water he inhaled.

Alec’s mind reeled and his eyes widened. That was when he found Magnus from their treehouse and it wasn’t very hard to connect the dots. Later some idiots at school rumored that Magnus killed his stepfather. Which apparently happened after the man attempted to drown the child he was supposed to look after. And suddenly Alec understood, with a nauseating amount of clarity, why Magnus feared water.

Alec’s hands shook when he came across a different kind of report. According to it Magnus spent almost three months in a psychiatric care after the... incident. Further outpatient sessions were strongly recommended but the child fell into a loop of numerous foster homes. There were altogether six of them and none seemed to make any effort to understand the suffering teenager. Nightmares... Panic attacks... PTSD... Instances of wetting the bed at night... Unexpected bursts of violence when touched... One by one foster parents reported those issues, announced that Magnus had no place in their family and turned their backs on him. The last documented foster home was charged for gross negligence after the then seventeen-year-old was found from the streets. His foster parents at the time hadn’t seen him in months nor cared to report his disappearance. After that Magnus was emancipated with some little financial support to look after himself officially. As if he hadn’t been doing that pretty much all his life.

Alec wondered, despite being sure that he didn’t want to know, what happened to Magnus’ birth parents. Until he found two newspaper articles from the box. One was about a high school teacher being convicted of sexually abusing one of his students numerous times. The other was of a woman who killed herself in her own home. Her nine years old son found her body.

It took all Alec had not to throw up or burst into tears. Knowing that his best friend had gone through all that... It tore his heart to pieces.

Alec couldn’t quite understand why Camille would deliver all that information to him. Was she really a shallow enough person to imagine that it’d have an impact on how he saw Magnus? On how he felt about the man he’d loved since they were teenagers? Perhaps she looked down on Magnus because of such a horribly rough past but he’d never...

Then Alec saw the last item in the box and his thoughts came to a screeching halt.

It was a notebook. Full of names with... intimate preferences attached to them. He would’ve recognized Magnus’ handwriting anywhere. He recognized a couple of the names as well. And another string of stubborn rumors from the schooldays filled Alec’s whirring head.

/ _“... slept with ...”_ /  
/ _“... goes to bed with anyone ...”_ /  
/ _“... slut ...”_ /

He was so absorbed by those musings that he didn’t hear that apartment’s door opening. (“Alexander, are you home already? Is everything...?”) He didn’t catch the sharp intake of breath when the arrival understood what he was holding. He didn’t jolt back to full awareness until there was a sound of glass breaking. Magnus’ eyes were full of shock and fear.

And Alec responded to those emotions. With a tone he hated immediately. Just like he loathed the way he waved the book accusingly. “Magnus, what the hell is this? Or no, scratch that. Tell me that this isn’t what I think this is.” He wasn’t mad at his friend, of course. He was furious with all those names that’d taken advantage of Magnus.

But Magnus couldn’t see that. All the dancer’s eyes saw was another person he’d trusted turning on him. Just like almost everyone had. The man stared at him with an agonizing amount of grief and heartache. “I’m sorry.” Magnus had fled before the last syllable’s echo faded.

Alec wanted to run after him but his legs were Jell-O. Instead his gaze fell on the shards of glass scattered where what Magnus carried fell. Breath left him when he recognized the angel-painting he once made for his beloved. Apparently Magnus sneaked it out to get it framed. The note that’d been attached to it lay among the ruins of the exquisite frames.

‘_You are an artist, Alexander. Because only a true artist can create something this beautiful. I wanted it framed for the whole world to see._’

Alec was running before he chose to do so. He barged into the hallway, then to the stairwell. Eventually he dashed to the street, where several people gave him suspicious looks. The dancer was nowhere in sight. “Magnus!” Alec cried out anyway, his heart racing and aching in his chest.

He was too late.

/

From a café across the street Camille watched with deep satisfaction on her face and took a savoring sip of coffee. She suspected from the start that Alec might be too stubborn to give up on Magnus after all the facts were revealed. But she’d also counted on her ex-fiancé reacting exactly this way to realizing that Alec knew. He wasn’t confident enough to believe that someone would care about him after finding out what he was.

Alec came close to helping Magnus find his confidence, she saw it in the dancer’s eyes the day before. It would’ve been a problem because then her silly little ex might’ve reported some of her actions and caused a great deal of problems. Now, if she played her cards right, he’d self-destruct instead.

Camille watched Alec start to run frantically. And ordered a slice of chocolate cake. She felt like celebrating.

/

Sometimes we know that something horrible is going on even before the phone rings. Catarina’s skin crawled, waking her from restless slumber moments before her phone began to buzz on the nightstand. She groaned and frowned before her eyes cleared enough to distinguish the name on the screen. “... ‘gnus? What’s going on?” Already then she knew that this was a new level of ‘bad’. Her friend had never made these nighttime calls, even when the man was at his worst.

Magnus took his time before answering. The man slurred alarmingly. “_... so sorry ... ‘think I did ‘thing stupid ..._”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, dear goodness...! Let’s all take a deep breath. That was HEAVY, wasn’t it? Just when Magnus was starting to make progress BAM, his whole nasty past is slammed at his face. Let’s hope that the poor dear hasn’t done anything too stupid...!
> 
> SOOOO... Thoughts? Comments? Rants...? Bring it on, I can take it! Comments always mean the world to me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	11. The Story of Magnus Bane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec searches frantically for Magnus. And ends up learning even more of his beloved’s past. Will Magnus be rescued before it’s too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s FINALLY time to update! This chapter... Phew! It seriously wasn’t one of the lightest ones to wrap up. And not only because it became HUGE.
> 
> THANK YOU, so, so, so much, for your comments, listings, love and support! You have no idea how much it means to means that you’re all reading. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks... Let’s go and see how the story continues after that HORRID cliffie. I really hope that you’ll enjoy the ride!

/ _It was an Oscar worthy performance. But Alec managed to keep his horrible discovery about his unwanted budding feelings to himself. They found something like a new normal with Magnus and he swallowed down his pain every time new signs of his secret love having been with someone occurred. He brought home good grades, which pleased his father. He ignored the worried looks he got from his mom and siblings._

_Alec was the perfect son and the perfect student. He hid the parts of himself that were rotten and wrong, buried them so deep that he could pretend they didn’t exist. So what if he was sometimes so angry and frustrated with how hollow his life was that he wanted to scream? It was better than disappointing everyone around him. Eventually he found an outlet for that frustrated fury from ice hockey and became the star of his school’s team. (The time-consuming activity also conveniently provided an excuse for whenever someone asked why he wasn’t dating.)_

_Alec’s new hobby brought him new friends. Magnus in turn discovered dancing and also seemed to have found new people. They remained best friends, regardless of how harshly his teammates mocked him for it. But little by little new distance began to settle itself between them while they grew up and explored the world outside the bubble of just the two of them._

_They started to have separate lives. But it didn’t keep them from choosing each other whenever it counted. One Wednesday Alec learned that someone had sprayed ‘FAG’ on the door of Magnus’ locker. He recognized Raj’s handiwork immediately and saw red._

_Magnus shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I’ve been called worse”, the boy claimed. “He’s your teammate. Don’t get into a trouble because of me.”_

_Alec lifted his chin defiantly. “He may be my teammate. But you’re my best friend.” Full of determination, he grabbed the spray can Raj had dropped to the floor and got to work._

_Transforming the ‘G’ into a ‘B’ took some work. And he had to spread what he wanted to say to three lines to make up for the size of the original three letters. But eventually something else entirely decorated the door._

_‘_FABULOUS_’_

_Magnus’ grin made butterflies flutter in the pit of his stomach. “I love it. Who would’ve thought that Alexander Gideon Lightwood has a bit of vandal in him?” Completely unexpectedly the smaller boy kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”_

_Alec blushed embarrassingly. And scratched his head awkwardly. “Yeah, well... I’d do anything for you.” And he did his best to not overthink it._

_Neither noticed that they held hands until people started pouring out of classes and Alec withdrew his hand. Magnus let him go with sad resignation Alec didn’t yet recognize. The hockey player was about to head off before turning around and offering his fist. “Partners in crime forever.”_

_Magnus grinned. Then completed the fist bump. “I like the way you think.”_

_Eventually they reported Raj together. (Who gave himself away by shrieking that he ‘totally didn’t spray fabulous’.) A couple of weeks later Alec tackled the idiot a bit too hard during a practice session. Magnus, who’d been observing the event with no one else noticing while doing his homework, gave him a wide smirk and a thumbs up._

_Perhaps they didn’t spend as much time together as before. But when it counted, they always chose each other. And they couldn’t imagine that anyone or anything could ever get in the way of that._ /

/

Alec didn’t have the faintest clue how long he’d been running when his phone started ringing. He picked up so hastily that he almost tripped on his own feet. “Magnus...!”

“_I’m so sorry that I didn’t notice your calls! I was sleeping and had my phone on silent._” Catarina sounded uncharacteristically panicked. Which was a sure sign of how wrong things were. She didn’t give him the chance to interject. “_I just woke up and Magnus was calling._”

Alec perked up the tiniest bit. Which clashed harshly with a tingle of dread. “Do you know where he is?”

“_He didn’t have enough time to tell me before the call disconnected. I... was hoping that you’d know. He..._” Catarina swallowed loudly. “_He said that he’s done something stupid._”

By some miracle Alec was able to keep running although his knees went dangerously weak. For all the worst reasons. “I’ll find him.” His head was a mess and he was so guilty that he felt sick. But he knew that there was no force on the whole planet that’d make him stop before he had Magnus back. The possibility that he was too late... He couldn’t bear to even consider it. He tried to take a deep breath but it hurt more than helped. “So you have no idea where he might go?” Usually their treehouse would’ve been his first guess but under the circumstances...

Catarina sighed heavily. “_No. Last time things got this bad Ragnor was still around and..._” She trailed off. “_I’ll start searching through his regular venting places, just in case, after Madzie’s babysitter gets here. Until then I’ll keep calling people._”

Alec’s heart sank while he stared helplessly at the city spreading everywhere around him. Where was he supposed to sta...? Suddenly a seemingly random, tiny bit of a memory floated to his mind.

/ _“... hate bridges ...”_ /

“I... I think I came up with something”, Alec blurted out. And added speed, too wired up to even consider waiting for a ride. “I’ll call you if...”

“_Go!_” Catarina ordered, her voice echoing everything he was feeling.

While hurrying on Alec tried to estimate how much time had passed and which direction Magnus might’ve taken. Was he sober or did he stop to buy something to numb the pain? At least he was conscious a while back but why did the call with Catarina disconnect?

What if...? What if...? What if...?

Alec bit his teeth together and was somehow able to pick up pace. He pushed his body forward mercilessly, ignoring how his lungs screamed. Moisture blurred his eyes to a point where he didn’t notice the looks people he passed by gave him.

The bridge was massive, dark and menacing when it finally came to view. The closer Alec got the more anxious he became. His state of mind worsened when he eventually stood on the bridge, panting hard and his eyes darting around. Magnus was nowhere in sight. Did he choose the wrong place, after all?

In the middle of that sullen thought he saw a figure, almost unnoticeable in the shadows. Magnus stood by the railing but hadn’t climbed over it. The dancer held on to the metal separating him from a deadly fall so hard that his knuckles had turned white. A sheen of sweat covered the man’s pale face. The hardest thing to see was the look in those tormented, haunted eyes. For as long as Alec might live, he’d never forget how that awful longing looked.

But he was still there, relatively safe and alive, Alec reminded himself. And braved himself to approach. His friend didn’t seem to notice him and he didn’t announce his presence until he was less than five steps away. “Magnus?”

Magnus’ surprise at seeing him broke his heart. As did the visible apprehension. “... ‘lexander? ... you here?” That slurring didn’t sound good, especially because Magnus didn’t smell of alcohol. Had he taken something else or hurt himself?

Alec hated the fact that he deserved the doubt. “Of course I’m here.” He took another step closer but stopped when it made the other flinch. “Magnus, I’m so sorry about the way I reacted. I was never mad at you.” It was important to get that through to his friend. “Those names in that book, those people who took advantage of you... I was mad at them and shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m sorry.”

Magnus’ facial expression was unreadable while a wary gaze studied him. “That book, those people... I’ve spent years hating myself for it all. For what I had to do.” By then the man was slurring so badly that it was hard to understand him. 

“You shouldn’t hate yourself”, Alec pointed out firmly. Guilty for how his own earlier response contradicted those words. “You did what you had to. You’re still the same person in my eyes.” He’d spent years upon years trying to stop loving Magnus. That day he was finally forced to admit to himself that nothing would ever make him stop. He was almost ready to admit that he didn’t want to stop anymore, either. He cleared his throat but it didn’t help with the lump forming there. “You... You don’t know how important you are to me. Even if I’m bad at showing it sometimes. So I... I need you to step back, okay? I need you safe.” _I need you!_

Magnus couldn’t seem to move and eventually shook his head barely noticeably. Completely done with standing back, Alec closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. Relief washed through him when Magnus tensed up for a second, then practically melted again him. Together they took two short but all-important steps away from the edge. After that they just breathed, clinging to each other as though for dear life.

“... real ...?”

It took Alec some time to hear the barely audible question and even longer to understand it. “Yeah, I’m real.” He tightened his hold to prove it. “This is real.”

Magnus unleashed a shaky breath. “... good ... said the stuff would make me see things”, the man mumbled. Sounding half asleep.

Alarm spiked in Alec once more. In the middle of relief he’d almost forgotten Magnus’ obvious confused state. “What did you take?” he demanded, his voice hoarse from dread. There was no reply. “Magnus...!”

“... dunno ...” Magnus slumped a little more heavily against him. “... didn’t ask ... just wanted it to not hurt ...”

It took all Alec had to not start crying, right there and then. “We, ah...” He sniffed. “We have to get you to a hospital. Just in case.”

He expected a tirade of protests. Magnus had always loathed hospitals with venom. Nothing such occurred. “.... not leaving ...?”

Alec closed his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek. (It didn’t succeed in hurting enough to dull the sting those words caused.) “I’m not leaving ever again”, he swore. “And I’m not letting you leave, either.”

Magnus’ grip on him tightened.

Their cab driver cast suspicious glances towards the barely conscious young man Alec dragged into his car. The barista ignored it because he had far more important things to focus on. By the time they reached the hospital Magnus was practically unresponsive. Yet the man kept holding on to him until the building’s staff separated them. They crowded Alec, asking an overwhelming amount of questions to make sense of the situation.

In the middle of that chaos Magnus lost consciousness entirely. One of the nurses working on him shouted something about crashing blood pressure. And then they were rushing away, leaving Alec behind. “I promised him I wouldn’t leave!” he shouted brokenly when a burly male nurse stopped him from following. “I... I promised...”

The nurse’s eyes filled with sympathy. “We’ll take good care of him”, the man swore. Then hurried away as well.

Standing alone in the middle of the hallway, Alec realized with a wave of nausea that this was the third time he brought Magnus to a hospital like this. The second since his return from Boston. Wiping away tears he was only just becoming aware of, he didn’t think he’d survive a fourth time.

/

By the time Catarina rushed to the hospital Alec was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. When she asked what the hell happened he blurted out that it was all his fault. Then broke down to miserable sobs, which likely spared him from getting punched. He couldn’t tell her about what he found out without Magnus’ consent and Catarina seemed to understand that there were things he couldn’t reveal. They waited in a heavy silence, both dreading bad news every time a somber faced doctor approached the room with reluctant steps.

Morning had already dawned when they finally learned that Magnus was stable and waking up. The man was also asking for Catarina. She looked at Alec with more sympathy than he felt he deserved. “I’ll tell him that you’re sorry.” It was all she could give him.

Alec continued to pace the waiting room. Until he stilled to a point where he even held his breath when Catarina returned. Her eyes weren’t hostile but also didn’t promise good news. “He’s not mad at you. But he needs time. He’ll call or message when he’s ready to see you.” Her gaze softened. “He’s safe and we’ll take it from there, one day at a time. Go home and get some rest.”

What else was he supposed to do? His shoulders slumping from defeat, Alec began to take his leave. Wondering if he’d ever hear from Magnus again.

“Alec?” Catarina breathed in deep. “I don’t know how you found him. But I’m glad you did.”

Alec shrugged. “I just knew.” Wasn’t it the same with all best friends?

He took the long way home, by foot. By the time he made it there he was exhausted enough to crawl to bed, which lulled and taunted him with how deep its’ scent of Magnus was. He called in sick because there was no way he could’ve gone to work for the evening. Then he closed his eyes and fell asleep, overwhelmed by one of the most terrifying nights of his life. He slept for the whole day and didn’t stop dreaming of Magnus for even a second.

/

It took five more horribly long days before the barista received a message from Magnus, asking him to visit as he was about to be discharged from the ward. Alec headed there in such haste, fearing that his friend would change his mind, that it wasn’t until he stood behind the hospital room’s door he wondered if he should’ve brought something. In the end he swallowed hard, then knocked and pushed himself in before he would’ve changed his mind.

Magnus still seemed incredibly pale and unwell. As well as tense. But at least the dancer was conscious and sober, even offered him a tiny, shy smile. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Alec stood by the door, wondering if he was allowed to approach. “I’m... glad that you invited me.” From Catarina he’d learned that Magnus remembered most of what happened. The words burst out before he could stop himself. “I’m so sorry”

Magnus nodded, averting his gaze. “I know.” The man sighed. “Your immediate reaction... It made a lot of my greatest fears come true. That’s why I... responded the way I did. It’ll take some time before I believe that you didn’t mean it the way I assumed.”

Alec’s heart constricted. He shifted under the hurt’s assault. “I’m sorry”, he murmured helplessly, again, because it was all he could think of to say. “I had no right to pry on things you weren’t ready to share.” He was sorry about running away on his father’s command and being a coward, too.

Magnus shook his head, vacant eyes on the room’s window. “You don’t have to keep apologizing. You’re partially right, though. My past... It’s not something I’ll ever be fully ready to share. But... Maybe I have to.” Magnus inhaled heavily. “I... waited this long to invite you here because I saw everything in that box you opened. I know that you have a lot of questions. And I wanted to be able to give you as many answers as I can.”

Alec had a feeling that this was going to be a long, hard talk. “I already screwed up by opening that thing without your permission. You don’t have to share anything else if you don’t want to.” He needed to make clear that he was better than Camille. Moving deliberately slowly, he sat to the chair beside the bed. “What you’re going through... It started from your mom, right?”

“Yeah.” Magnus’ jaw clenched for a second. “From what Camille left you, you’ve probably put together that I wasn’t... the product of a healthy relationship. My biological father used my mother and it broke her permanently. Her family was wealthy and afterwards paid her a large sum to keep her as far away from her home country as possible to avoid a scandal.” He cleared his throat. “I cost her everything, even her life. She... did what she did because the more I grew up, the more I looked like my father. And she couldn’t stand the constant reminder. My stepfather made sure that I knew I was what killed her.” Magnus went on before Alec could comment. “My stepfather didn’t stop mourning her until he died. He took his pain out on me, especially when he was drunk.” (With a fresh bout of agony Alec realized that it was why Magnus started coming to his home at night. Until he, out of his father’s demand, told the boy to stop.) “Sometimes... Sometimes he would hold me under water. Said that it was how I made her feel. On his last night...” Magnus seemed to feel sick. “He held me under too long. I... I thought I’d die. So I lashed out, with all I had. I trashed and kicked. One of my attacks landed and he was so drunk that he lost his balance. He fell and cracked his skull.” The man wrapped his arms around himself. “I remember staring at his dead, bleeding body. It... It was the second time I caused someone’s death, and... I couldn’t take it. So I ran.”

Alec felt ill for his friend. “It wasn’t your fault. Your mother or your stepfather”, he pointed out sternly. It was impossible to tell if he was heard. “That was when I found you from our treehouse, right?”

Magnus nodded faintly. And licked his lips before continuing. “After that it was a foster home after a foster home. I... I couldn’t stand it, and they couldn’t stand me. They couldn’t give me what I would’ve needed and I kept expecting them to hurt me. I lived mostly on the streets because at least there I wasn’t disappointing anyone. Eventually I ran away entirely.” And his foster parents didn’t even bother reporting that he was missing. Magnus bowed his head in shame. “My mother and stepfather were rich and I inherited them both because there was no one else. But my stepfather had ensured that I wouldn’t get a dime until I’d turn eighteen. Someone this difficult also had no right to ask foster parents for anything so I had to make my own living somehow. No one would hire me. Eventually...” The dancer gagged. “Eventually I realized that there was one thing I could sell that people wanted to pay for.” After sharing too much it looked like the man was closing himself off.

Alec stopped it by grabbing his hand. “I’m so sorry that you had to do that. If I’d known...”

“I didn’t tell anyone because I was too ashamed and the adults around me wouldn’t have cared, anyway. I... haven’t told anyone all of this ever before. Besides, you were just a kid, too.” Magnus sighed, still not facing him, and curled his fingers around his hand. “At first I needed the money. Eventually I needed alcohol to be able to stand it all. Most of them were more than happy to get me drunk or high if I so wished. When I was out of it enough I could almost...” The man’s voice cracked. “... I could almost make myself believe that they cared. It almost felt like comfort and intimacy. Even when they hurt me. Eventually that also became addictive.”

Alec bit his lip to keep himself from whimpering while imagining that horrible, sad life.

“Then I turned twenty.” Magnus scratched his own neck with an unsteady hand. “I... was still mourning your departure to Boston. And I finally had all my mother’s and stepfather’s money at my disposal. Ragnor... He must’ve noticed that I was spiraling because he announced that we needed a vacation and took me to London. A few days later I had my first... bridge incident.” The dancer shuddered. “We stayed there for months, before he was convinced that I was stable enough to come back.”

Alec’s hold on the man he loved tightened while his blood ran cold. So he owed Magnus’ life to someone he never really got the chance to know? “He saved you.”

“Actually... Camille did. She talked me down and took me home.” Magnus scowled. “It took almost a year before I realized that she was as much poison as the urges that pulled me to the bridge. But by then I was addicted to her, too.”

At that point they were both beyond exhausted. The truths that came out... They were draining in their force.

Alec's thumb massaged soothing circles to the back of Magnus’ hand when the limb’s trembling intensified. “I... don’t know what to say”, he admitted honestly, choked up. “Thank you for telling me all that. But, why...?” He trailed off.

“You keep saying that you care about me, that you want to be there for me.” There was a horrible amount of vulnerability on Magnus’ face. “But you don’t know me.”

Alec’s brows furrowed. “I do know you.” He shrugged. “Now I know what made you who you are.”

Magnus stared at him in utter bafflement, clearly wondering whether to believe him or not. Alec himself was dangerously close to uttering foolish things the time absolutely wasn’t right for. It can only be wondered what might’ve been said or done. If a nurse hadn’t appeared just then, apologetic when she noticed that her patient had company. “Mr. Bane, your ride is here. Whenever you’re ready.”

Alec blinked twice, confused. “A ride? So you're not coming to my place?”

Magnus shook his head, not meeting his eyes. “I’m... not going back, Alexander.” The dancer went on before the barista panicked fully. “I mean, at least yet. Because... This whole thing scared you. And it scared me, too. The kind of... things I experienced... I haven’t felt them since London. I need to fight them, I have to start fighting to survive. Right now...” The smaller man finally faced him after visibly gathering courage. “I need the kind of help for that you can’t give me. Besides, I want you to be my friend, not my therapist or babysitter. It’s not your job to fix me. So I’m going to spend some time in the kind of a place where I can get that help.”

Alec stared for a second. Trying to put things together. “You mean... Some kind of a mental hospital?”

Magnus nodded. “I want to believe that I can feel better than I do right now, eventually. Maybe I’ll even get strong enough to encounter Camille. Because...” The man wrinkled his nose. “I don’t want her to have part in anyone else feeling this way.”

Alec still wasn’t quite sure what to say. Moving slowly enough for the other to have enough time to tell him to stop he sat beside the dancer. Shyly and carefully, seeing a tiny bandage where there just was an I.V. line, he tightened his grasp on the smaller hand. “I’m so proud of you.”

Magnus snorted. “I can’t imagine why. But I appreciate the sentiment.”

Alec smiled while a tingle traveled under his skin at how badly he would’ve wanted to kiss the other man. He then sobered when a thought occurred to him and his heart plummeted. “So... I guess we won’t be in contact for a while.”

Magnus gave a small laugh. “I’m not disappearing to some distant planet. We can write, and I think I’ll even have some access to an internet connection.”

Alec nodded. “This won’t be like when I went to Boston. We’ll stay in contact.” He was determined to not repeat a past mistake. “And when you’re ready you’ll come back home.” Because that was what his apartment had become with the dancer, hopefully for both of them.

Magnus considered for a moment. Then offered his free hand and fisted it. “Deal.” They fist bumped, just like when they were teenagers. “Partners in crime forever.”

Alec didn’t settle for just the childish pact. After considering for a moment he placed a tender kiss on Magnus’ cheek. “Partners in crime forever.” Neither of them overthought the gesture.

They agreed silently that this time Magnus would be the one leaving first. On the last moment the man peered over his shoulder. And while both of them felt ache over the separation it wasn’t unbearable. Even if they understood that there were mountains to clear out of the way before they’d be properly happy.

They always seemed to find their way back to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That... was A LOT! Is everyone still okay? Thank gosh Magnus is going to get the help he needs! And what’s this, is he bracing himself for attacking Camille...?
> 
> Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	12. The Life of Alexander Lightwood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Magnus is at a mental hospital, trying to heal, Alec does some recovering of his own. Finding yourself and growing up never comes without some pains and aches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pheeeeeeeew! This chapter got SO MUCH BIGGER than I’d planned. (chuckles) But, I couldn’t think of a single thing I would’ve wanted to leave out. So, here we are. Oh boy...!
> 
> THANK YOU, a million times, for your absolutely amazing comments, love and support! (HUGS) Knowing that you’re out there, waiting for updates, SO helps me remember why I keep working on this tale. (smiles)
> 
> Are you ready? Because here we go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.
> 
> Oh yeah, before I forget... I’ve decided the OFFICIAL THEME SONG OF THIS STORY: ‘This is Me’ by Keala Settle

/ _They were sixteen when Magnus came to school with such bruises on his face no amount of makeup could disguise. The usual bullies were merciless, taunted the boy by inquiring if his lay of the night got rough. While Magnus bit back verbally it took Alec all he had not to punch those idiots who mocked his friend._

_Later they met at their deserted corner of the library. Alec moved to sit right next to Magnus but stiffened upon seeing how the other flinched. “Magnus?”_

_Magnus swallowed hard, not facing him. “Can you... keep some distance? Just for a little while?”_

_Alec nodded, trying not to feel hurt. This wasn’t about him. “It wasn’t the bullies who did this to you, right?”_

_“No.” Magnus hesitated and bowed his head in shame. “I... was walking down the street with another man when these... morons started throwing insults at us. Then they were throwing things. That was when he bolted, and... Well.” The bruises spoke for themselves. Magnus was left alone to face the attack. Sensing his shock, the smaller teenager finally looked at him and tried to smile. It came out all wrong. “It’s not as bad as it looks. And it’s not like I would’ve never been through anything like this before. I just...” The boy scowled and looked away again. “I just wish they didn’t get my face. It’s humiliating enough without others seeing.”_

_Later that day Alec threw up, what he learned overwhelming him. Magnus risked receiving physical violence, just to get to be who and what he was. How was Alec supposed to ever find enough damned courage to admit his feelings when even the thought of facing the threat of such attacks as the cost of openness made him feel sick?_

_Less than an hour after his freak-out Alec was on the ice with his team. And discovered that Magnus wasn’t in the audience. Raj noticed how upset the absence of a familiar face made him. “What’s wrong?” the boy taunted. “Sad that your boyfriend isn’t here?”_

_Those words, with his dad watching and possibly hearing... They distracted Alec to a point where he didn’t see an attack from the opposing team coming. Until he’d been thrown against the rink and the world turned black._

_Alec woke up to learn that he had a concussion and his arm had been broken from two places. His father watched him with cold eyes the whole time but waited until they were alone before handing him a pamphlet. Of a Conversion Camp. “That’s where you’ll spend next summer. As far as your mother knows you’re going to a regular camp. She doesn’t have to know how badly that Bane brat messed your head.”_

_Hours later Alec’s head and several other parts throbbed from injuries and his father’s words. He tensed up when nearly soundless dancer’s steps sneaked into the room. “Alexander?” Magnus whispered. “I’m so sorry that I missed the game. Are you...?”_

_“Go away”, Alec mumbled hoarsely._

_“What?” Magnus’ voice was so sad that he felt sick from guilt. “I get it, you’re in pain and upset. I’ll come back...”_

_“Don’t. Just...” Alec clenched his jaw to stop himself from sobbing and kept his back turned against his best friend. “You got me into enough trouble already.” It was cruel and unfair to blame Magnus. But after what Raj and his father said, after hearing that he’d be sent to that sick camp... He hurt so much that it turned his words into poison._

_“Okay.” Was Magnus crying? He hoped not, because even the thought made him hate himself more. “I’m sorry.” With that his friend – former friend? – was gone._

_It wasn’t until the door closed Alec broke down to tears, agony surging from his broken arm and just as battered heart._ /

/

For the first two and a half weeks Alec didn’t hear from Magnus. The only thing keeping his panic from spiraling out of control was that he knew the man he loved was safe. It was hard to focus on anything else when he couldn’t stop wondering if Magnus was recovering. Even being home was difficult because the apartment felt empty and uncomfortably quiet without his friend.

His life felt empty, too. And for the first time he wanted to do something about it. Especially while he sat for a family dinner at a fancy restaurant.

It was to celebrate Izzy graduating and immediately becoming a forensic pathologist. His sister was the only reason Alec chose to suffer through the event. Especially when his father blatantly ignored Jace and made perfectly clear that he expected Izzy to become a real doctor one day.

The tension between Alec and Robert wasn’t made any easier by their waiter’s, Andrew’s, obvious interest in the barista. The man flirted at him as shamelessly as anyone dared to in front of the other’s family. While Alec wasn’t interested, he had to admit that the attention flattered him. He wasn’t used to people finding him... desirable.

Robert was less impressed. And when Andrew slipped his phone number to Alec his father couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Must you bring your obnoxious urges to a family dinner?” The man sneered at the piece of paper he’d already pushed aside. “I’ve been hoping, in vain it seems, that eventually you’d grow out of... that. Especially now with Bane out of the picture.”

Alec couldn’t hold it in anymore, either. Perhaps the way Robert said Magnus’ name was the final push he needed. Everything he’d bottled up since he was a teenager... It came surging to surface with the intensity of lava. “Stop talking about something I am as urges! I’ve been in love since I was a teenager!” he growled, eyes narrowed. “You think I haven’t tried to drown out that part of me? Haven’t you seen how I’ve been stretching myself thin, all my damned life, to be the perfect son you’ve visualized?” He practically panted under the weight of those words he’d wanted to squeeze out for so long. “I’m sorry that Boston didn’t work out! I’m sorry that I’m not enough! I’m sorry that I couldn’t live the life you planned for me! I’m sorry that I’m a disappointment!”

Robert groaned but didn’t deny his words. “Alec, stop this! You’re making a scene!”

Alec didn’t care. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, and he absolutely couldn’t stop now that he’d gotten started. “I’ve been lonely, miserable and ashamed of myself because of you and those like you all my life! Because I couldn’t be what I was supposed to be, couldn’t want what I was supposed to!” His eyes started to get blurry. He didn’t care to wonder why. “Do you know why I left Boston? One night I stood on my balcony and had to remind myself of the reasons I had to not jump!”

Jace and Max’s eyes widened. Izzy unleashed a pained, whimpering sound. His mom gasped. Even Robert seemed shocked and blanched. “Alec...!”

Alec stood up, calm and composed despite the way his hands trembled. At peace with what he was finally strong enough to say and do. “I’m sorry if you can never accept me as your son because despite your best attempts to get me healed, I’m still gay.” There, he’d said it. And he didn’t feel like throwing up or having a panic attack. “And I’m sorry if this is the last time we’ll ever talk. But if I can’t live the life you planned for me, I have to start trying to piece together one for myself. A life worth living. I’m sorry if you can’t be a part of it.” With that he turned around and walked away, his heart hammering, breaking and rejoicing all at once. How was it possible to feel so in and out of control, so good and terrible, at the same time?

He didn’t go alone. Izzy followed immediately, her hand grabbing his tightly. Jace took his other side and the blond’s stance was protective despite the other man being shorter.

“You promised that tonight would be different. That you’d be different”, Max accused Robert, sad and furious. “Stop saying that Alec’s all wrong when you’re the one who keeps lying to us.”

“Max, don’t you dare...!” Robert tried but the boy was already following his siblings.

Outside the air was cool and fresh, helped fill Alec’s unnaturally tight lungs. New clarity filled him with new dread. “Iz, I’m so sorry that I ruined the dinner! What did I do?”

Jace lay a hand on his shoulder. “Something pretty badass. I’m proud of you.”

With no warning Izzy wrapped her arms around him and held on tight. She sniffled twice before finding her voice. “No matter how you may feel... You’re not alone in the world. Got it?”

“You’re my favorite sibling”, Max professed earnestly. “Because you’re awesome. If someone can’t see that it’s their loss. When you finally find the guts to tell Magnus how you feel you two will be amazing together.”

“Max!” Jace chastised. “He’s right, though. There’s nothing wrong with you and especially with you loving someone. Just give me a hint and I’ll beat up anyone suggesting otherwise.”

Seeing his siblings around him, and remembering Magnus who fought to get better far away, Alec nodded. And held his sister back because on an evening like that, with everything he just unleashed, he kind of needed a hug. “I know”, he murmured. (Well, knowing and believing were two different things. He was getting there, though.) “But... Thanks, for reminding me.”

His brothers approached him as well. First Jace, then Max, held him tightly. As though fearing that he’d slip away. Never in his life had Alec felt so accepted.

Alec still had no idea what to do with his life and about his feelings for Magnus. But he didn’t feel so very wrong, lonely and unworthy of love anymore. He also knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he did the right thing when stepping back inside from that balcony.

Now he had the chance for a different kind of a leap.

/

The only reason Maryse held still for as long as she did was that she wasn’t sure she could move. It was hard to catch her breath from how her heart ached. Slowly, slowly, she turned her gaze towards her ex-husband.

Robert looked back in a shock. For a moment she wondered if he had an epiphany. Then he spoke. “We... We have to fix him.”

Maryse saw red. Robert was lucky that she was too choked up to scream. “Alec doesn’t need fixing, he’s not broken. He needs to know how much we love him, just the way he is. Didn’t you hear a word of what he just said to you?” She got up, relieved that her knees didn’t buckle. “If you ever make him feel the way he did in Boston again I’ll kill you myself. I don’t even know what I regret the most. That I didn’t tell Alec to chase his own dreams more firmly, that I let you basically send him away from us all and his home, or that I didn’t leave you sooner.”

Shortly after she stepped out of the building and her heart thudded at the sight of all her babies hugging each other. Noticing her, they broke the hold and Alec watched her warily, visibly fearing what she might have to say. Seeing him like that shattered her heart.

With two steps she’d closed the distance between them and pulled her oldest to her arms. For someone so tall he seemed painfully small and frail in that moment. “We’ll talk about this more later.” After what her son revealed they’d have to. “For now, I want you to know that I love you and I wouldn’t change a thing about you. And after I’ve held you long enough... Let’s go home.”

To her surprise Alec didn’t resist. The rest of her kids joined them. If Luke found having all her four children visiting for a movie-themed sleepover and how the siblings were huddled together odd he didn’t mention it. Instead he got them more than enough popcorn to last a whole night. Maryse fell just a little more in love with him.

/

The following day had stretched far before Alec finally made it home. He was exhausted and emotionally raw from the encounter with his father and having to convince the rest of his family that he didn’t feel tempted to throw himself off a balcony anymore. His future was a blank canvas and he wanted to see what might become of it. His greatest dream was to see it all with Magnus by his side. Even if they’d never be more than friends.

Alec wanted to slip under the covers, which were starting to lose the scent of his dearest person, and sleep the rest of the day. Until his phone announced a new message. His heart jumped when he discovered that it was from Magnus.

‘_I’m sorry that it took me this long to contact you. I had to earn my phone rights first. And then I had to decide what I wanted to say to you. I’m still not sure which one was a greater challenge. Yesterday I admitted to my therapist that I’m not okay. Without feeling ashamed of myself. That’s one of the things I’ve realized here, since I have too much time to just think. I’m sick of being ashamed of myself. I’m sick of this place, too, but I know that this is where I need to be, now. So the next time you take me home I’m ready for it._’

Alec couldn’t help but smile at that. And he couldn’t quite stop himself from harboring silly hopes for the future. ‘_You have no idea how happy I am to hear from you. Especially today._’ He hesitated before adding more. ‘_I just came out to my family._’ Now he came out to the man he’d loved secretly for nearly a decade. And tried very hard to not freak out about it.

Magnus could’ve reacted in a great number of ways. In the end he chose the quite possibly most Magnus way. ‘_How do you feel about it?_’ No judgement, accusations for him not telling sooner or unnecessary prying about his family’s responses. Just unconditional acceptance.

Alec breathed. In and out, nice and easy. ‘_Awful. And free._’

They ended up messaging for the better part of the night, until Magnus revealed that he was about to fall asleep on him. Apparently the new meds made him drowsy. By the end of the exchange they both felt that in some bizarre way they knew other better than ever before.

Alec glanced towards where his once again framed angel-artwork was on the wall. It was thanks to Magnus he’d kept hanging on through the toughest times. And it was Magnus he came home to New York for, even if it took him this long to admit to himself.

Alec didn’t go to bed, no matter how exhausted he was – instead he started sketching for the first time in what felt like forever.

/

Time passed agonizingly slowly with Magnus away. Eventually a month and a half had gone by. Maia arched an impressed eyebrow when half an hour before opening time Alec started to put two artworks to the café’s rather bleak walls. One of them was of a stunningly beautiful red rose about to blossom. The second was of two figures dancing in a winter-time forest, inside a ball made of glass. “Those are amazing. Who’s the artist?”

“Just... someone unknown who does these as a hobby.” Alec wanted to deflect as quickly as possible but couldn’t resist... “You... really think they’re good?”

“Yeah. And you know how many artists I’m friends with.” Maia gave him a look. “You’re seriously good. You could make a living with those things.”

Alec’s cheeks colored and it got worse when he tried to will it down. “You’re, ah... the second person who says that.”

Maia grinned. “Let me guess. Magnus?” Her eyes softened. “He’s one of the really, really few people who gets through to that thick skull of yours. I think I like him already.”

Alec came embarrassingly close to blurting out how much he liked Magnus, too.

That night Alec was just about to fall asleep when his phone started ringing. He was awake the instant he saw that the caller was Magnus. “Hey. What’s wrong?” Because calls at that hour were never a sign of anything good.

Magnus cleared his throat. “_I... I had a really bad day. And... I needed to hear your voice._”

Alec gulped, wishing that he was there to pull Magnus to his arms. “Okay. What... should I say?” He was so bad at this...!

“_Just... Just keep talking. About anything._” The more Magnus said the more unsteady his voice got. “_Tell me about your day. What... What’s happening out there? Tell me about the world outside._”

That was exactly what Alec did. He told Magnus about a couple of annoying customers. About his art and how much he wanted the man to see what he’d created. He even told his friend about a creepy guy he saw in the metro. And he didn’t stop talking until Magnus’ breathing pattern revealed that the man was asleep.

There was so little Alec could do for the man he loved. But if he was able to lull Magnus to sleep after a day from hell... Then perhaps he wasn’t as useless as he’d feared.

/

On the two-month anniversary of Magnus’ hospitalization Alec was ridiculously nervous while he sat beside his phone. One of his feet tapped anxiously while his thoughts whirred a million miles per hour. They’d been talking and messaging daily since the first messages. (Every day, no matter how bad of a day Magnus had.) But getting to see each other again after months was... special. Alec could’ve been petty and revealed how much he would’ve wanted to actually meet. But he didn’t have the heart when Magnus had explained that it would’ve just made him want to come back home before he was ready.

He jumped a little when Magnus’ face finally appeared to the screen. “_I still can’t believe that I let you talk me into this_”, the dancer huffed. “_I look dreadful._”

Alec rolled his eyes. “You couldn’t look... dreadful if you tried.” His gaze softened while he took in his friend’s appearance. “I’ve missed that face.” It was all true. While Magnus was pale, gaunt and didn’t seem quite well there was new fire in the man’s eyes. The real Magnus Bane was coming back, slowly but surely.

Magnus hummed softly. “_I’ve missed you, too._” The man then pushed himself up. “_Are you ready for the grand tour? The staff said that it’s okay as long as I stick to the parts of this lovely place visitors are welcomed to. I also have to make sure that I don’t let you see any other patients._” Magnus shifted his phone, showing a pretty young woman in her early thirties. “_This is Tessa, my very own nurse and unfortunate babysitter of the day. Tessa, this is Alec._”

Tessa huffed at her patient. “_You’re the one who just admitted to needing a babysitter._” The woman then smiled at him. “_Hi, Alec. I’m glad to see you after hearing so much about you._”

Alec... had no idea how to respond.

Magnus chuckled, truly and honestly. (Alec realized that he’d missed the sound.) “_Stop that! You’re making him blush._” The man moved the phone again and his face appeared to the screen. “_Now, let’s leave this awful woman behind and get started before she embarrasses me any further._”

Alec nodded. Perhaps a bit more eagerly than would’ve been appropriate under the circumstances. “Let’s go”, he urged.

For the next hour Magnus showed him as much as he possibly could and they talked the whole time. It was as casual as a virtual introduction to a mental hospital could be. It helped them both feel a little less homesick.

/

A week later it was raining miserably in the middle of the afternoon. The coffeeshop was quiet and the last thing Alec expected was something remarkable to happen. He almost dropped the coffeepot he’d been carrying when he noticed his father sitting hesitantly at the most remote table. It was incredible how insecure and uncomfortable the usually arrogant man could seem.

After a ‘go’ sign from Maia he approached the table slowly, bracing himself for absolutely anything. He sat almost tentatively, wondering if he was making a big mistake. “I suppose you didn’t come for coffee”, he mused when the silence got too heavy.

Robert frowned, his gaze wandering. “This place... It doesn’t look like I imagined.”

Alec wondered with some bitterness what his father had expected.

Robert clenched his jaw and inhaled a loud, hungry breath. Like someone who’d been having trouble breathing for a long time. “I... What you said, at that dinner... And the things I said...” The man swallowed, likely all his pride. “I’m sorry.”

Alec didn’t know what to say. “Can you look at me in the eye?” He went on once the man had obeyed with a hurtful amount of difficulty. “Look at me, dad”, he half-pleaded, sounding like the child he once was. “I’m your son. And I’m gay. Neither of those things is ever going to go away. But which one means more to you?” The silence that fell spoke far louder than words and the barista’s heart shattered in his chest. Yet again because of the man who sired him. He pushed himself up with all the dignity he could muster and began to walk away.

“I’m trying!”

Alec whirled around. (Intensely glad that there were no other customers in at the moment.) “You shouldn’t have to try loving your own child!” he snarled, his voice cracking midway. “Before... Before you’ve decided...” He shook his head. “Don’t talk to me and don’t come to see me. Because it’s taken me this long to understand that I deserve a father who accepts me and I don’t want you to make me forget again.”

Alec didn’t break down watching Robert get up and walk away. Or in the backroom, drawing in deep, shaky breaths while Maia held a hand on his shoulder. But as soon as he got home, he took his phone to an unsteady hand and dialed a familiar number.

“_Alexander?_”

That was when he broke down. To a point where it was hard to talk. “I... I had a really bad day. And... I needed to hear your voice.”

/

Just a few days before Magnus’ four-month anniversary at the hospital Alec stood right outside the building’s entrance. His heart raced and soared when a familiar figure finally appeared. Magnus had lost weight and the man’s face held the kind of shadows that’d probably never fade away entirely. But Alec could see instantly that the therapy had done miracles. Because his friend’s posture alone gave away that this wasn’t someone slipping away and giving up.

One moment their eyes met. Until suddenly they had their arms wrapped around each other, so tightly that it was hard to breathe. Neither questioned or overthought it.

“Are you ready to go home?”

“Yeah”, Magnus affirmed. And meant it. “I am.”

This was their second chance. (Or how manieth chance ever, Alec had lost count.) They both knew that things wouldn’t be easy, that neither of them was okay by any stretch. But they were determined to get it as right as humanly possible this time around.

They were also determined to never walk away from each other again, in any meaning of the words.

/

At the same time Camille tensed up when she came back to work from her lunch. To find Luke and his partner waiting for her at her office. “To what do I owe this displeasure? Are you here to pester me unnecessarily again?”

“We’re here to let you know that you won’t be a lawyer for much longer. It’s come to our attention that you delivered a lot of strictly confidential material you should’ve had no access to into Alec Lightwood’s hands. And you shouldn’t have trusted the likes of Jonathan Morgenstern to do your dirty work. He’s been very chatty these past months.” Luke’s eyes darkened while he prepared for the final attack. “Also... We need to talk about the death of Ragnor Fell.”

Camille’s blood ran cold and for the first time she lost her composure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaw! Our boys are starting to get on the right track. (smiles) Screw Robert! And oh man... We’ll see if Camille manages to cause more havoc before we bid her adieu...
> 
> SOOOO... How was that? Any good, at all? PLEASE, do let me know! Hearing from you ALWAYS makes my day.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	13. Taking Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tries to adjust to a life outside hospital. With Alec and others by his side. A terrible secret concerning Ragnor’s death is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The past couple of days haven’t been the kindest to me. BUT, here I am, with another chapter! Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your love and support! It means more to me than you know. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. With Magnus coming home, let’s see what our boys are up to next. I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride!

/ _While his broken arm healed all Alec could think about was Magnus. Who tried to be there for him despite his own struggles. Who became the undeserving target of his frustrated fury._

_Magnus didn’t visit anymore after his outburst. His hospital room or their treehouse. All his calls and messages went unanswered. Alec wondered with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach if he’d pushed too hard this time. If he messed up so badly while Magnus was already feeling vulnerable that he’d lost his friend._

_Once Alec returned to school Magnus avoided him. And was infuriatingly good at it, as though used to escaping people. But Alec was an athlete and fast. One day he sprinted out of the building quickly enough and managed to catch the dancer. “Magnus, wait!” He licked his lips nervously when the smaller boy actually stopped. “Can we... talk?”_

_“Why?” Magnus peered at him over his shoulder, a painful amount of resignation in his eyes. “You were right at the hospital. All I bring you is trouble and ridicule. Do you think I’m blind and deaf to the looks and comments you get because of me?” The boy turned fully towards him but there was nothing confident about the gesture. “I know the reputation I have. And the things everyone says about me.” Magnus shrugged tensely. “I take it, because I have no other choice. And I’m used to it, the physical attacks, too. Do you seriously imagine that the punches I got back then were the first ones I’ve ever received?” For a second tears shone in the boy’s eyes. “I can fight back but I can’t stop them. I can spare you from it, though.”_

_Alec’s shoulders sagged in defeat while a lump rose to his throat. “I don’t want to be... what, spared. I want to be your friend.”_

_Magnus shook his head. “No, you don’t. You already have your whole life planned in that busy head of yours. And there’s no room for a bi freak-circus in that plan.” With that verdict the boy walked away._

_“Magnus, wait!” Alec cried out. Hoarse and close to tears. But it was too late. He could only watch helplessly how the boy he loved entered a red Volvo that sped away, leaving him behind._

_After that Magnus vanished for a week. To Alec’s outrage adults didn’t seem to care or notice. When the boy resurfaced it was the talk of the whole school and a headline in a local newspaper._ /

/

/ _Magnus wasn’t exactly open about his past but Ragnor knew that it wasn’t a happy one. And although the dancer always put on a brave face the older man felt a strong need to protect his friend. And he knew, by instinct, that Camille was someone Magnus needed to be kept away from. Especially when one day he saw bruises on his friend’s arm. Quite predictably Magnus refused to admit anything, claiming that the very obvious finger marks were nothing but an accident. After much contemplation Ragnor sent his friend a message._

_‘_I know what Camille’s been doing to you. We need to talk._’ It was sad, really, how long ago Camille had last allowed them to talk properly. ‘_Is there any chance that I could meet you alone?_’_

_To his surprise Magnus sent a message back almost immediately. ‘_Come to my place at seven today. Camille won’t be home._’_

_Ragnor couldn’t know that he didn’t get that message from his friend. Camille’s eyes blazed hellfire when she put away the phone that wasn’t hers. Because she knew that he was the only one Magnus would listen to. The only one who might bring down her whole life if her fool of a boyfriend found enough spine to report her. By the time Ragnor approached the apartment building where she lived with Magnus she had a plan._

_Camille sat in her car, watching Ragnor crossing the road deep in thought. Then pressed the gas pedal. He never saw her coming. And no one caught a clear sight of her vehicle._

_Ten minutes later she watched how Magnus, who’d been returning from dance practice, cradled Ragnor’s hand, crying and pleading._

_Two days later she picked up Magnus after the machine keeping Ragnor alive was switched off._

_A few more days later the sky wept while she stood beside Magnus at Ragnor’s funeral, carrying a ring that once belonged to her fiancé’s mother._

_Camille might’ve gotten away with it all. If she hadn’t made two critical errors. She used that same car while crashing it with Magnus in a passenger seat. And before that, in the heat of a moment, she uttered fateful words to a naked Robert Lightwood. “I’ve already gotten away with killing one of his pathetic friends. You have no idea what I’m capable of. I can destroy Magnus Bane for you.”_ /

/

The drive to Alec’s apartment was rather long, which suited the two men just fine. Between Magnus’ four months of hospitalization and Alec’s coming out there was a lot they needed to talk about. And neither of them could deny how much they’d missed each other.

“I’d say that I always suspected, but...” Magnus shook his head. “I had no idea.”

Alec shrugged. He couldn’t resist wondering how his friend would feel about the other thing he was still hiding... “We’re both good at keeping secrets.” He clenched his jaw, frustrated with himself while looking back on the time he’d wasted. “I was so scared of what I’d lose if I revealed what I am. Of what people would think of me, especially my father. But, in the end... I got sick of not being able to stand myself. That’s no way to live.”

Magnus hummed softly. “I’m happy for you. And eventually even your father will see reason.”

Alec wasn’t so optimistic but didn’t have the heart to say as much out loud. He glanced towards the smaller man for the umpteenth time. (So sue him for needing to make sure that Magnus was really there and wanting to keep an eye on the dancer.) “We’ll reach New York in ten minutes. Are you ready to stop trying to distract me and tell me why you’re so tense that it visibly hurts?”

Magnus inhaled a deep, not quite steady breath and looked out the window. “I just... Four months, it’s a long time living in an isolated environment.” A lengthy pause followed. “I hated it, but... Eventually it started to feel safe. Like living in bubble wrap. There was no alcohol, all medication was tightly controlled and whenever I had a... lousy day a professional was right there. And, now...” Magnus swallowed hard. “I’m worried that I’ll fall back into old bad habits.” There was hesitation all over the dancer’s posture. “The last time I came to you I was so shattered that I only functioned with the aid of alcohol. When I tried to quit drinking... It was like I fell into a black hole. Until... Well.” They both remembered the bridge incident all too well. “I... I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to put you through that again.”

It was overwhelming. To hear such honesty, and to remember how Magnus looked on that cursed bridge, so eager to go down that it took all the man’s willpower to stay up. It took some time before Alec managed to process what he just heard. His grasp on the steering wheel became so tight that his knuckles turned white. “You don’t have to...”

“Yes, I do. I’m so sorry that I almost let you become another addiction to me. Because my therapist helped me recognize what I almost let happen since we were kids and especially after your return. You’re too important for me to allow that.” Magnus went on upon sensing his shock, still not looking at him. Shame radiated from the man. “You didn’t even realize that I was doing it, did you?”

That hurt to hear. Because it made Alec ask himself unpleasant questions. “Oh.” Perhaps they did develop a bit of a codependency.

Realizing what he was thinking about, Magnus finally faced him. (He felt it, even though this time he was the one avoiding the gaze.) “I have a habit of latching onto people unhealthily.” Camille was a prime example. “But our relationship is one of the few positive ones I’ve ever had. Alexander, you’re the most important person in my life.”

The admission made Alec’s heart jump. _If only you knew...!_ “And you’re mine”, he confessed. Then pressed his lips together tightly to keep the rest from tumbling out.

For a second or two it seemed like Magnus figured out too much. Fortunately no questions were asked. “I’m also sorry that I... did what I did and you had to find me. The day I found my mother... It was the worst of my life.”

“You didn’t let go, though. I didn’t have to lose you.” Alec had spent the past few months reminding himself of that. “I just... I want you to tell me, if you’re ever... going there again.” Maybe one day, when he could trust that Magnus was steadily on his feet, he’d share his own... experiences. For now he just needed to know that the man he loved wasn’t slipping away. “You’re still here and getting better.”

Magnus heard the question buried underneath. A gentle hand was placed on his leg. “I’m still here.”

Those words made Alec feel lighter than he had since his childhood years. Or maybe it was the touch. “As for your old bad habits...” He dreaded to imagine how long the list of those was. “If they threaten to come out again, we’ll tackle them together.”

“Not with just the two of us”, Magnus corrected firmly. “We’re both a mess, have been since we were teenagers. Maybe one day, when you’re ready, you’ll talk to someone. Believe it or not but it helps.” The man’s eyes softened. “We have our friends, too. And you have your mother and siblings. It’s not just the two of us against the world anymore. We have more than just each other to help us become whole.”

Alec was embarrassed that someone, even Magnus, saw right through him so easily. But those words... They helped lift some more weight from his shoulders.

Those children huddled together for comfort in a treehouse survived and there were people waiting for them to come down to face the world.

For that night they curled up together in Alec’s bed. There was nothing sexual to it, even if they were both intimately aware of their feelings. Nor was there any romantic pressure, even if a distant, ridiculous dream sparked in two battered hearts. It was just two people who’d missed each other.

Neither overthought it.

/

A couple of days later Magnus was ready to do something he’d missed more than he’d realized. He headed to the dance studio, where a group of excited kids was waiting for him. “Magnus!” they all squealed. Madzie the loudest of them all. It was his sweet little Sweet Pea who dashed to him and embraced him. “You were sick for so long! We missed you!”

Magnus smiled. Really, truly, honestly. Despite it being earlier in the morning than he usually wanted to be up. “I missed you, too. Now...” He clapped his hands together. “Are you ready for the lesson? Because I have a lot of new dance moves to teach you.”

The children were as ready as he was.

After the lesson Catarina stayed when all other parents had vanished with their kids. Magnus didn’t think much of it until Alec, Raphael, Izzy and even Jace appeared. Carrying a cake with bright smiles. “We know that you said you didn’t want to make a fuss out of your return”, Catarina admitted. “But if this isn’t a cause to celebrate... Then I don’t know what is.”

Jace revealed two bottles of lemonade. “This calls for a toast, too.” The non-alcoholic kind, apparently. Magnus’ heart swell at their thoughtfulness.

Madzie’s eyes shone. “Can we dance? I wanna dance with uncle Magnus, and uncle Rapha, too.”

The look of horror on Raphael’s face would’ve been worth a picture.

Magnus looked at his friends, took in all their affectionate facial expressions. He’d never felt so cherished in his life. “Well. I’m not saying ‘no’ to a good party.”

It was truly fortunate that he didn’t get the phone call from Luke until after they’d celebrated, when he was on his way to Alec’s apartment.

/

After her latest hearing Camille was waiting for her lawyer at the station. While she was certain that the ridiculous charges against her would be dropped soon, she was irritated. Eventually she asked for a permission to stop by outside. It was a beautiful day and she had a lot of plans to make. Luke allowed it but made adamantly clear that she was watched carefully.

Camille froze upon facing Magnus outside the building. Not only because she was surprised to see him. But because she didn’t know what to make of this version of him. She did her best to plaster a smile on her face. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to give my statement of the day Ragnor died. And other things. Seeing you was an unpleasant surprise.” Magnus didn’t lift his chin. He didn’t have to because the confidence in his eyes was genuine. “Do you know what the saddest part is? I might’ve forgiven what you did to me, eventually. All the bruises you gave me, inside and out. All the humiliation you put me through. Even the way you isolated me to your cruel little world.” He shook his head. “But I won’t ever forgive you for Ragnor.”

Camille actually had to spend a second seeking for words. In the end she shrugged and began to head inside. Apparently fresh air was overrated. “If you imagine that anyone’s going to listen to your sob-story, you’re delusional.”

“Funny you should say that when I think I’m starting to see clearly for the first time in my life.” Magnus took a step to pass her by before stopping. “And Camille? Give me back my mother’s ring. It looks vile on your finger.”

Camille was about to protest. But in the end she pulled off the jewelry, then dropped it to the ground. She almost stepped on it, too, before simply leaving instead. And for the first time she felt true fear.

Because someone she didn’t manage to break might just be strong enough to crush her instead.

/

Alec was wrapping up his shift at the café when he checked his phone. At some point Robert had tried to call. It stunned him how little he cared about what his father would’ve had to say. Especially after all the grief he’d gone through because of the man’s opinions. Then he discovered a startling message from Magnus that made it impossible to think about anything else. ‘_Camille killed Ragnor._’ Alec stared at his phone for a second. Then he was running.

Alec wasn’t sure what he dreaded to find. By the time he made it home Magnus sat on a couch, head buried into both hands. Heartbroken but sober.

Alec sighed heavily from sadness and relief while sitting beside the smaller man. As much as he would’ve wanted to ask for the full story it wasn’t the right time. “Magnus... I’m so sorry.”

Magnus shook his head. “The only one who should be apologizing is Camille. And I doubt she’s capable of remorse.” The dancer’s voice was sad and hoarse but not defeated. Magnus wiped his eyes, quickly and subtly. “I... I can’t believe that she stooped that low. That all this time...” He trailed off.

It scared Alec, too, to realize just how sick and cruel Camille was. To understand what she was capable of, what she might’ve done to Magnus. This... could’ve all ended so much worse. The realization made Alec feel sick. Along with guilty. If he hadn’t left to Boston Magnus might’ve never met Camille and Ragnor might still be alive. “I know that you don’t want to hear me say it, but... I am sorry.”

Magnus seemed to read his mind in that peculiar way of his and looked at him. “Still not your fault. Only hers.” It was really hard to focus on those words when suddenly their lips were only a breath apart.

Alec wanted to kiss Magnus, so badly that it threatened to push him into insanity. And in that moment he was bafflingly certain that the dancer wanted to kiss him, too. Perhaps it was just a trick of boiling over emotions. Maybe it was something that’d been sizzling under the surface for years and years. Either way, it wasn’t the right time. If they’d ever explore those... urges, it’d be something beautiful, not under the influence of crushing grief.

Magnus seemed to feel the same. Instead of pressing their lips together they embraced each other. When Magnus squeezed a little too tightly Alec only held back more firmly.

“What do you want to do?” Alec asked softly when the other wasn’t trembling anymore.

Magnus’ body was firm and strong, warm as fire. So was his voice. “I want to take her down. For Ragnor, and for myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get her, Magnus and Luke! (growls) So... Uh huh. How much do you hate Camille now? And how proud are you of Magnus?
> 
> Most importantly... Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Hearing from you always makes my days brighter.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Law is read for Camille. And Malec-train finally picks up speed.
> 
> Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	14. This is IT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Law is read for Camille. And Malec-train finally picks up speed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I typed this chapter with a big grin on my face. Whether that’s a good thing for our boys or not, we’ll see...
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for all your comments, love and support! You have no idea how much they mean to me. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. Is that title promising or ominous? Well see... In any case, let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _Alec was worried when Magnus didn’t show up to school the next day. Or the following day. For a full week. In the end he was so panicked that he didn’t know what to do with himself._

_He didn’t have any idea where Magnus lived so he couldn’t go looking from his friend’s home. He tried to call and send messages, though. None of them were returned. He told every single adult around him – teachers, his father... Only his mom listened but the police wouldn’t take either of them seriously when Magnus’ foster family claimed that everything was alright. The boy was just acting up and being a difficult teenager. For some reason Alec got a strange feeling that the police knew more than they gave away._

_Alec’s determination only grew. Perhaps he’d let Magnus down one time too many. But he wasn’t going to give up on the boy he’d fallen in love with. So he kept looking, only to face disappointments._

_Exactly a week after Magnus’ disappearance certain news began to spread like wildfire. One of the school’s teachers, Iris Rouse, was fired. Because apparently Magnus ran away from home and was found from her place. No one knew what happened in Iris’ house but rumors were going wild. Alec was desperate to see his friend but had no idea where the boy was. That Magnus was finally safe offered only small comfort._

_It took another week and a half before Magnus returned to school. And was immediately the center of rather nasty attention, with many asking an overwhelming amount of questions and even more people whispering behind his back. He faced it all mostly alone because he still avoided Alec. On the day of his return Magnus walked into the classroom, chose a seat as far away from him as possible and pretended that he didn’t exist. The distance between them was thicker than a wall of bricks and Alec couldn’t figure out how to close the gaping gap. Until six schooldays after Magnus came back._

_Alec was on his way to his locker when he heard Raj’s very much unwanted voice. “You and Ms. Rouse, huh? That’s so sick! Did she lock you up to her cellar to have her way or something?”_

_“That’s the only way you can ever hope to get laid but I’m saddened by your lack of imagination”, Magnus returned without missing a beat._

_Raj’s fist began to rise and Alec wasn’t going to stand even a single second of that. His eyes blazing, he placed himself between Magnus and the idiot. “Do that...”, he growled. “... and you’ll answer to me. Got it?”_

_Raj snorted. But didn’t dare to even glance at Magnus anymore. “Look who’s defending his boyfriend again.”_

_Alec straightened himself fully. Which made him about a head taller than the bully. He looked down, a promise of death in his eyes. “If you’re too stupid to recognize an honest friendship, then which one of us has a problem?” He took Magnus’ hand, not giving a damn about their audience. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”_

_Magnus frowned. It was painful how the boy searched his eyes, not quite daring to trust. “We both have two hours of math left.”_

_“So what?” Alec, who usually followed rules to every little detail and didn’t even toy with the thought of doing something rebellious, wanted to leave. Needed to get his friend out of the school. “Let’s go.”_

_Magnus’ fingers tightened around his and they went. They kept walking all the way to their treehouse. If Magnus was surprised it didn’t show. They climbed up, Alec following to make sure that the smaller boy was safe. Then they sat down with a subtle little bit of distance between them._

_In the end Alec spoke first. He knew that he’d have to, with how uncertain Magnus was of where they stood. “I know that I’ve sucked as a friend lately.” Why sugarcoat it? “But... As far as I’m concerned, we are still friends. I don’t want to lose you, especially when I can tell that you need me.”_

_Magnus seemed surprised and tensed up. Then melted, losing the will to hold up the emotional shields around him. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”_

_Feeling better than he had since their horrible falling out, Alec wrapped an arm around the boy he was still honored to call a friend. He hesitated before the next question. “Whatever happened between you and Rouse... It clearly bothers you, a lot. You can talk about it, if you want.”_

_Magnus’ whole body shuddered and for a second Alec feared that the teen would vomit. “I... I’d rather not. If that’s okay.”_

_Alec wanted to pry further because the whole thing seemed sick and disturbing. But he didn’t feel like he had any right to push. And he didn’t want to risk their delicate attempt to fix their bond. “Of course it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable with me.”_

_He didn’t know why those words brought tears to Magnus’ eyes – years later he would._

_Days later news spread that Iris had been arrested for sexually abusing a minor. Everyone knew exactly what happened. Or thought they knew._ /

/

It took five long, exhausting months before the trial against Camille was over. But it was all worth it. Because piece by piece, it tore apart her life and her whole world.

The little gift she gave Alec cost her dearly. Because it was full of things she should’ve never gotten her hands on, let alone shared. Almost immediately it became clear that Camille would never be a lawyer again. Raphael took her place in the firm.

What she did to Magnus and especially Ragnor... It cost her even more. With testimonies from Robert and Luke she was tied to the theater writer’s death in a manner she couldn’t weasel away from. Domestic abuse cases were fickle, she knew from experience. But the jury saw in Magnus what she never could – a wonderful man with a huge heart who only wanted love. Jonathan sealed her fate by stating that her encouraging his lust for Magnus triggered the nearly lethal stabbing.

The trial cost most of her fortune. Very quickly her reputation was also in tatters. A lawyer mingling with the likes of Jonathan Morgenstern... Accused of domestic abuse and murder... Her face was all over newspapers and local news. For the first time in her life she hated the attention.

She’d be locked away for a very long time. Among people she’d failed to defend properly as their lawyer. It didn’t matter when she’d get out or if she ever would. Fancy apartments... A well-paying job... Admirers... It was all gone. Camille Belcourt was reduced to a series of numbers in prison overalls. Her case was closed.

For her, anyway. While she finally got her punishment those who suffered because of her deeds still had to continue moving on. On the day the trial was over Catarina and Magnus visited Ragnor’s grave.

All the past months of twice-a-week therapy had taught Magnus that Ragnor’s death wasn’t his fault. The relief hadn’t quite reached his aching heart yet. But he knew that his dear friend wouldn’t have wanted him to spend the rest of his life weighed down by that guilt.

Ragnor would’ve wanted him to live, with every little fiber of his being. So, while placing radiant red dahlias on the grave, Magnus vowed to do his best to accomplish just that. Even when it hurt to go on, even on the days when crawling out of the bed in the morning took all his strength.

He’d make the life Ragnor died trying to save worth living.

“Are you okay?” Catarina inquired. “Because... I’m not sure I am. Today was a lot.”

“I’m not sure, either”, Magnus admitted, eyes on the name carved on stone. “But I’m glad that Camille received the verdict she deserved.” Perhaps, on a day when it’d all hurt less, he’d be proud of himself for being a part of her undoing. It was strangely satisfying to help destroy someone who worked systematically to destroy him.

They left the cemetery holding hands and while sun shone on them Magnus liked to believe that Ragnor was smiling.

From the beginning Magnus had demanded that Alec stayed away from the courthouse and especially the courtroom. He didn’t want the ugliest parts of his life to contaminate the beautiful thing they both felt slowly stirring to life between them. When he reached Alec’s apartment the barista was waiting for him, having taken a day off. Stepping in, Magnus stood still for a long moment, feeling the weight of the trial only as a distant phantom pain. He wondered since when coming back to Alec had started to feel like coming home. (‘From the beginning’, a foolish voice whispered in his head.)

Hearing him, Alec stepped into the room, studying him with a worried gaze. Magnus smiled, the gesture honest despite being pale. Not a single word needed to be said. Alec closed the distance between them and soon they were embracing, both breathing more easily than they had all day. (Or possibly in a very long time.)

Or actually... It wasn’t just the two of them hugging. Magnus felt a strange, warm and soft bulge between them. Then emitted a surprised sound and hissed when something scratched him. “What was that?” he sputtered.

Alec winced apologetically. “I’m sorry! I... got caught up in a moment and... forgot.” As a further explanation the man opened the zipper of his hoodie a bit. A very clearly grumpy cat poked its head out and glared at Magnus. “He’s Church. My neighbor who owned him, Mrs. Dumpsey, passed away, and her daughter couldn’t adopt him. So I... kind of offered.” Did Alec blush? “You’ve always loved animals and I figured that he’d be a nice gift for you. I mean, after everything.” The barista glared at the animal, which seemed every bit as unhappy. “I think I got us a demon instead.”

Magnus’ eyes softened while he watched the duo’s practically identical expressions. “Nonsense”, he disagreed. “He’s just a little rough around the edges. Likely sad and scared, too. It doesn’t mean that he’d be unlovable.” He scratched Church from behind the ear. The feline revealed his teeth in a sneer but didn’t lash out. “Good thing the two of us have never been fans of ‘easy’.”

He was so focused on Church that he didn’t see the surprise, delight and love on Alec’s face. “Yeah. Good thing.”

/

Magnus wasn’t the only one going to therapy. Alec did, too, in a desperate attempt to have his life make sense. It was more helpful than he’d expected. Slowly but steadily he found new confidence, started to sketch and paint more. Perhaps one day he’d be confident enough to take a chance with Magnus.

Roughly a week after Church’s adoption Alec was working when he received a message and a picture from Magnus. On the picture their cat had climbed as high up a curtain as possible and was hissing at the camera from there. ‘_Someone learned a new trick when I started vacuuming. He peed on my favorite shirt as a punishment right after coming down. Maybe he’s a little bit of a demon, after all._’

Alec couldn’t help it, he started to laugh.

A familiar voice startled him. “I’ve never heard you laugh before.” Robert stood behind the counter, appearing uncharacteristically timid. “It’s a great sound.”

For a few moments Alec was frozen. Until he figured out exactly what he wanted to say. “Magnus told me that you testified against Camille and it made a huge difference. Thank you for that. I don’t know what you expected to hear when coming here, but that’s all I’m ready to give you right now.” He inhaled a breath. “What can I get you?”

“Latte to go.” Robert was silent for several seconds while Alec busied himself with the order. “What I said the last time we met... I meant it. I am sorry. And I am trying. I started going to therapy a few months ago.”

Alec nodded. Too surprised to offer a verbal response immediately. “Is it working?”

“It’s been... painful. But... Yes, I’d like to imagine that it’s working. I’ve started to see many things more clearly and it hasn’t been pleasant.” Robert watched him hesitantly. “You seem... better. Happy. Magnus... He does you good, doesn’t it?” No longer ‘Bane’, then?

“He does.” Alec wondered if he was dreaming or imagining all this. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

It was Robert’s turn to nod. Silence lingered while Alec completed the order and pressed the takeaway cover in place, sealing the deal. “I don’t understand it", his father admitted. "And I’m still working on accepting it. But now I’m finally smart enough to understand that you deserve to be happy.”

Alec didn’t have anything to say to that. Surely Robert wasn’t expecting a ‘thank you’? He accepted the man’s money and apology. “Take care of yourself”, he settled for.

“You too.” It seemed that Robert wanted to say something more. Instead the man walked away.

Alec didn’t feel bad or elated, just... a little more at ease, in some strange way. He didn’t waste time on mulling over his past. Instead he gave the picture of Church another look and started to daydream of his future.

/

Just a few days later Alec came home from an evening shift through a nasty storm, to find the apartment dark. He attempted to flick on the lights but nothing happened. “You didn’t forget to pay the bill”, Magnus called out. “The power’s out from the whole building. Someone’s working on it.”

Alec groaned and put away his drenched coat. Then followed his friend’s voice to the living room. What he found made his heart skip a beat. Or two. Or ten.

Magnus lay on the floor reading a book in candlelight, with Church practically glued to his side. (Which didn’t mean that the cat wouldn’t have done his best to look like he hated it.) Magnus’ hair was done carelessly and he had bare minimum makeup covering his face. He was so visibly at home and comfortable that it did funny things to Alec. The man greeted him with a smile that reached his eyes. “I tried cooking but it’s safe to say that the blackout ruined the meal, so takeout night it is. Are you in the mood for pizza, Thai or Chinese?”

It could’ve been just another evening but it wasn’t. Alec’s heart jumped when he realized that this was _IT_. The ‘right moment’ he’d been waiting for. The type of a stupid, clichéd, ridiculous magical sign from the universe Izzy sometimes talked about.

“Alexander?”

Alec swallowed hard, his heart settling from jumpy, erratic leaps to a steady, anxious race. “I... want to show you something. Wait there.”

Hoping that he wasn’t making a mistake, misreading things and making a fool of himself, Alec went to the bedroom although his legs felt like overcooked spaghetti. Telling himself to not overthink was futile. His hands shook when he took his sketchbook, then made his way back to where Magnus waited obediently, visibly confused.

The new smile that appeared to Magnus’ face when the dancer saw what he carried didn’t make thinking straight any easier. “You finished the mystery work? Finally!”

Alec bit the inside of his cheek to soothe his fried nerves. He had to spit out what he really wanted to say before he’d lose his nerve or there’d be an interruption. “I, ah... finished it a few days ago.” Shy but hopeful, he opened the book to reveal the latest addition. “You’re the only one I want to show this to. I’ve been waiting for the right time.”

Curious, Magnus looked down. And gasped. The man’s lips opened a couple of times but nothing came out.

The sketch was an obvious continuation to the angel-one he made as a teenager. Only, in this one the angel’s wings were spread triumphantly. They were beautiful, despite the occasional grey and nearly black feathers marring the heavenly white. And this time the angel was turned towards the spectator, his face revealed. Recognizable. Aside black, grey and white there were only two spots with any color. A point on the angel’s chest, right above the heart, and the unearthly being’s eyes. Both were glowing in triumphant, regal gold. The artwork’s captivating atmosphere was emphasized by how the angel didn’t have his head bowed in shame, instead those golden eyes met the spectator’s firmly.

“This is...” Magnus blinked twice, then looked at him. “What does this mean?”

Alec did his best to stay brave. This was it. “I think you know.” He focused on the sketch because it was far less scary than facing Magnus. “It took me ages to admit to myself. And way longer before I accepted that it’s okay. But I... I’ve loved you since we were teenagers. You’re the only one I’ll ever fall in love with. I know that, now, after how hard I tried to stop and couldn’t.” The silence that followed was deafening. Alec pushed himself to continue although he could barely catch his breath. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I mean, after all the times I pushed you away and ran away... I get it if...” He trailed off because all of a sudden the smaller man was moving.

Slowly and elegantly, truly like a professional dancer, Magnus settled to his lap, one leg on each side of him. One smooth and flawlessly manicured, ring decorated hand was placed to each of his cheeks while a pair of dark eyes looked into his. The gaze was full of marvel and such adoration that made Alec’s poor heart stutter again. Slowly, giving him every opportunity to say ‘no’, Magnus leaned closer. And pressed their lips together.

That kiss in candlelight... It was like coming properly alive for the very first time. Magnus’ lips were even softer than those hands cupping Alec’s face as though he was a priceless piece of china. The further they explored each other’s mouths, the warmer and safer he felt. Needing to be closer, Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus, who shifted towards him effortlessly. Like the man had always belonged there, in his arms.

_I’m home_, Alec’s whole mind, body and soul sang.

Eventually they ran out of breath and had to break apart, panting with their foreheads resting together. At that exact moment the room’s lights flickered on as electricity returned. The men looked at each other and started to giggle.

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a phenomenal kisser?” Magnus inquired and licked his lips thirstily.

Alec felt color rushing to his cheeks. “I, ah... I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone else.” He hoped dearly that it sounded less pathetic and stupid to Magnus than to himself.

Magnus shivered. And for a moment Alec feared that he’d scared the other away. Instead of leaving, however, Magnus caressed his cheek with a tender thumb. “As for your earlier... confession...” Did the man hesitate or lose the words? “When you were young you found yourself feeling something your own parent told you was wrong and disgusting. You needed time and you needed to overcome your growing pains.” Magnus closed his eyes for a second. “I... I need some time, too, now. Camille... She hurt me in a way that got deep into my core, nearly broke me. I’m scared that I’ll bring the agony she caused me into a new relationship. I’m scared that I’m so afraid of getting hurt yet again that I’ll hurt someone else instead.” The man swallowed hard, holding his gaze steadily. “But I love you, too. I think I started falling when we first met, when I was still too young to understand what it meant.” Magnus nuzzled his nose with his own. “We deserve a chance. So I want to try. Slowly.”

Alec nodded and tightened his hold on the other man. The smile on his face was so big that it actually hurt. “Slowly”, he agreed. Why rush when they had all the time in the world?

It wouldn’t be easy, let alone the perfect fairytale romance, they already knew that. Because they weren’t perfect. But they loved each other far too much to keep running away from it.

They deserved a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We had to wait for it for all these chapters. And they had to wait since they were damned teenagers. This is the slowest slowburn I’ve ever typed. (chuckles) But seriously... FINALLY! Am I right? (throws confetti)
> 
> Are you as happy as our boys are? (Well, that may not actually be possible.) Was this chapter any good? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: The first date we’ve all been waiting for!
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	15. The Start of Something Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus do some necessary talking. And eventually have their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW! Wrapping up this chapter took longer than I’d anticipated. BUT, here we are, folks!
> 
> THANK YOU, a thousand times, for your AMAZING comments, love and support! I’m SO HAPPY that you’re all still reading. (BEAMS)
> 
> Awkay, folks. Let’s go and see what our boys come up with. I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride!

/ _Rumors and whispering kept going wild. Magnus continued to refuse to talk about what happened between him and Iris. To keep peace in the friendship they barely managed to salvage Alec allowed it. At the end of the schoolyear he and Magnus were seventeen. To celebrate what’d be a summer of freedom for most one member of Alec’s hockey team arranged a massive party to which pretty much everyone from their class year was invited. He and Magnus went because they didn’t want to give Raj and company the satisfaction of having kept them away. Besides, it wasn’t all bad. Izzy and Jace were there, along with a selected few others it was actually pleasant to spend time with._

_Also, the further the evening advanced the more Magnus seemed like his old self. Alec rejoiced seeing his dearest person in his own element. He was too in love and naïve to realize that Magnus was only able to be that way with the help of alcohol._

_Alec also got himself drunk for the first time in his life. It made him feel better and worse at the same time. He was dizzy, nauseated and... loose, in a way he didn’t remember ever being in his life. _

_It was bearable until Magnus headed to a toilet, immediately followed by a guy whose name Alec couldn’t remember for the life of him. (He’d seen the looks those two exchanged. Despite being drunk and stupid he knew what was going to happen.) He would’ve gone to his siblings for emotional support but Izzy had disappeared with a boy named Meliorn and Jace was busy making out with a girl named Maia. So Alec headed for another drink instead._

_To prove that his evening actually could get worse, Raj followed him. With a bizarre gleam in his eyes. “Do you see it now, huh? Your little boyfriend just can’t keep it in his pants.”_

_Alec was too tired and emotionally pained to find the energy to protest the label. “Shut up. I’m not in the mood.”_

_Incapable of taking a hint Raj took a step closer instead. “Magnus is only ever gonna break your heart. You deserve someone who makes you feel good.”_

_Alec was about to snarl that Raj had no idea what was going on between him and Magnus. (Or wasn’t.) Until his inebriated head finally caught up with what was happening. How Raj approached still, then grabbed his shoulders and started leaning closer to his lips..._

_Alec wanted to snarl at Raj to stop. To shove the boy away. Instead his body lurched forward and he threw up on the idiot’s shoes._

_Alec was so dizzy that he had very little idea of what followed. He didn’t even manage to be mortified over what just happened. There was shouting and a thud before the unwanted hands grabbing him disappeared. Alec blinked once, slowly, and stared dumbly upon finding Raj on the floor by a puddle of vomit. It was hard to say which one of them was more shocked by it all._

_Then a new hand grabbed him, grounding him. “Come on”, Magnus murmured. “Usually I’m into parties, but... Let’s get out of here.”_

_Alec nodded eagerly and regretted it when his stomach rolled. Without judging Magnus wrapped a steadying arm around him and they walked out. Alec wasn’t entirely sure how they ended up to a taxi but he didn’t mind. Magnus was there and despite being taller he leaned eagerly against his friend. “Raj ‘ied to kiss me”, he slurred, dumbfounded._

_Magnus tensed up against him. It took a moment before the boy spoke. “Yeah, he did.”_

_Alec wrinkled his nose in disgust. “’n’t wanna kiss him.” In any other state of mind he would’ve hated how he whined. He looked up towards the other’s lips greedily. “... rather kiss you.”_

_Magnus stared at him with an expression Alec was in no condition to read. “You’re really, really drunk, huh?” The boy went on before he could comment. “Don’t worry. You won’t remember any of this in the morning.”_

_Alec wondered why that made him feel relieved and sad all at once. He would’ve asked but by then they’d reached his house. And as soon as he stumbled out of the vehicle, with Magnus’ help, his father stormed to the yard._

_The look on the man’s face made Alec’s blood run cold. “What the actual hell is the meaning of this? Alec, you’re supposed to be smarter than this!” Robert snarled. Then focused his fury on Magnus. “Do you see what you do to my son? Stay away from him, or I’ll have to make sure you do!”_

_Alec couldn’t produce the words to defend Magnus when the boy didn’t stand up for himself or to keep his beloved from walking away. He barely managed to stay on his feet while his father dragged him towards the house. “Now do you understand why you need the conversion camp? We’ll tear this sickness from you before it ruins you.”_

_The following morning Alec had the worst hangover of his whole life. And unfortunately Magnus was wrong. He remembered everything. But when they met it was easy to pretend that he didn’t, for the sake of their friendship. Exactly a week later his father made good on his threat and sent him to the camp._

_“So...” Magnus frowned, pointedly not meeting his gaze, while they sat in their treehouse the evening before his departure. “This camp... You’ll be there the whole summer?”_

_Alec nodded, hoping that his friend wouldn’t ask more. He didn’t want to reveal what kid of a camp it was. “Yeah.” He picked on the skin around his fingernails and shivered from the ensuing sting. “It sucks.”_

_“It does.” Magnus took his hand to stop the picking and gave it a squeeze. “I’ll miss you.”_

_Alec had no words for how much he’d miss Magnus so he squeezed back desperately instead._

_The following day Magnus wasn’t there to see Alec off. The taller teen knew that it was because of his father, which only made him feel worse. He didn’t know that at the end of his home street Magnus stood in the shadows. The boy watched after the car with unshed tears in his eyes long after the vehicle had disappeared from view._

_The camp was a horrible experience. It shattered Alec’s spirit and mind more than it fixed him. Because no matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t think and feel the way he was supposed to. He couldn’t be the way his father wanted him to be, the way he was supposed to be. He couldn’t stop loving Magnus any more than he could stop breathing._

_During the camp Alec had his first two panic attacks. Coming back home wasn’t much easier. Jace was barely around and Izzy seemed to struggle with something. And Magnus had a boyfriend named Imasu Morales._ /

/

After the first kiss Alec found that he wanted a million more. What fool would’ve wanted to stop after getting a taste of something so good? Other than that, surprisingly little changed between him and Magnus. At daytime they were best friends, always there for each other. At night-time they shared a bed more often than not without anything sexual to it. (Aside some kisses. Well, great many kisses.) It was almost like they’d already been together without even noticing it.

It was Alec’s first relationship, highly likely the only one he’d ever have. Everything was new, exciting and a little scary. Especially since he only just came out. He wanted to shout his love from the rooftops. But there was still a tiny part of him, a seed his father, the camp and several other people planted, that was scared.

Fortunately Magnus was understanding. A few days after they got together, they were grocery shopping when the dancer noticed how his hand twitched. (Eager to grab Magnus’ but not daring to.) “It’s okay, you know”, the man pointed out softly. “We don’t have to be one of... those couples. If you’re not ready, even if you’re never ready...”

Alec surprised himself by how firmly he shook his head. “I want to”, he announced sternly. “Because you’re more important to me than the opinions of others.” He meant it. And to prove as much he took his boyfriend’s hand.

Neither overthought it. Despite the fact that the seemingly simple gesture meant more than ever before. And despite the looks they got.

“If you keep smiling like that it’s gonna hurt”, Magnus teased.

Alec’s smile only widened. “Oh, shut it. How am I supposed to not smile like an idiot when I’m walking around with the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen?”

That earned him a kiss on the cheek. Which Alec also didn’t overthink. It was incredibly hard to freak out about something that felt so damned good he was sure he was flying.

/

They decided to keep the new nature of their relationship to themselves for a while. It was all very new and they wanted things to develop without any pressure or commentary from others. They managed for exactly two weeks.

Izzy was the first one to find out. She came to the café shortly after Magnus stopped by to deliver lunch. She took in the way the men had their hands placed on the counter just millimeters from each other. Then the tiny bit of color on Alec’s cheeks. And she smirked triumphantly. “About damned time you two figured it out!”

Magnus grinned back, clearly touched by her wide-open acceptance. Alec was more self-conscious although by no means ashamed or embarrassed. “We’re, ah... We only just got together. And we’re taking it slow. So, could you... not tell mom, Jace or Simon yet?” Seeing her pout, he rolled his eyes. “Fine, you can tell Simon.”

Izzy beamed. “I’m so happy for you! And I won’t tell anyone but Simon, I promise. You won’t have to worry about Jace, anyway. We love him but you know his attention span. You two could kiss right in front of him and he wouldn’t have a clue.” She laughed at how both men blushed. “You two are too adorable.” She sat down next to Magnus, pleased by how healthy and happy the dancer she considered a dear friend looked. “So, details. How did this finally happen? How was your first date?” Her eyes widened at the confusion that transformed to shock on the men’s faces. “Seriously? You haven’t gone out on a date yet?”

Alec shrugged helplessly. “I... guess we've sort of waited for the right opportunity?” His brows furrowed while his head buzzed with thoughts, questions and plans. “How soon after getting together is the first date supposed to happen?”

Izzy stared. Then groaned. “You two are unbelievable.”

/

The couple talked about the Big D later that evening, while they lay in Alec’s bed. (They happened to be in their favorite position. Which was Magnus lay half on top of the barista who’d wrapped a protective arm around him to pull him closer.) “I can hear your brain whirring”, Magnus stated fondly. “You’re still thinking about the first date thing, aren’t you?”

Alec stared at the ceiling thoughtfully. Like the white surface gave all necessary answers. “I’ve been thinking about it for over a week. But... I haven’t come up with anything perfect enough.”

Magnus was floored by affection. “It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, you know? I already got you, in the sweetest way imaginable. It’s more than enough.”

“I want to make it special”, Alec insisted. His determination was far too cute to be labeled petulant. “You deserve something special after I’ve made you wait for too long. I just... I wish I knew what the heck I’m doing.” He frowned upon noticing how silent his boyfriend had gotten. “Magnus?”

Magnus hesitated. “I... hope that you don’t expect me to be the more knowledgeable one in this relationship. Because my past ones... They haven’t been exactly healthy. Camille isn’t the first one who didn’t treat me right. I’ve only started to understand it with therapy.” It wasn’t easy to get it all out and the man didn’t look towards his partner, but this was something they needed to address. “Before you I’ve only been with one person who really tried.”

“Imasu”, Alec murmured, some jealousy seeping to his tone although he tried to hide it.

Magnus nodded slowly. “I was... Well, I wasn’t mentally well enough to embrace it. He wanted something I couldn’t give him. So... It was for the best to end it.”

Alec chewed on that. Did his best to not let the idea of Magnus with someone else consume all rational thinking. “Did you love him?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking despite not wanting to hear the answer.

Magnus hummed. “Alexander, I was in love with you, no matter how hopeless it seemed. Besides, for the longest time I loathed myself so much that I was in no state to really be with anyone.” The dancer looked at the man he loved, a little wary to expose what was in his heart but hopeful. “Now that we've come this far I want to do... us right.”

Alec’s eyes softened. In that moment his heart seemed too big to fit into his chest. “You know what? We worry too much about doing everything ‘right’.” Was that really his voice saying such a thing? “We already started with basically moving in together before we admitted that we’re in love. So let’s forget about what pace we’re expected to advance at and just do what feels right for us.”

Magnus’ facial features softened. “Well. It does feel quite right, to be with you like this.”

“Then I guess we’re at a decent start.” Alec’s brows furrowed. “Right?”

“Hmm.” Magnus huffed lovingly. “We have a lot of things in common. It’s safe to say that the tendency to overthink is one of them. But at least we’re not doing it alone anymore.”

They’d almost fallen asleep before Alec came to think of adding something. “Magnus? You’re special to me, too.”

Magnus stiffened slightly. “You’re... not the first person to claim that. But I’m trying to believe you.”

Alec nodded. “I get that.” Of course he couldn’t understand entirely but he knew a little something about insecurities and how deep they could run. “I’ll keep proving it to you however many times it takes to convince you.”

Magnus sighed and snuggled closer. “You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to me. It’s unfair.”

“Just like it’s unfair that you’ve been let down so many times that you need proof.”

Magnus leaned his head closer. “My past... It bothers you, doesn't it? You tensed up at just the mention of Imasu’s name.” The dancer sounded sad but not surprised. It was like he expected to be judged. “I wish that you could be my first, like I’m yours.”

Alec shrugged as well as he could with another man in his arms. He wanted to deny the comment but... “It’ll take some getting used to. It doesn’t have any impact on my feelings for you, though. I just... I’m worried that I’ll disappoint you with my lack of experience on... everything.” He kissed the side of the other’s head. “We both have our insecurities and they’ll clash from time to time. But it’s what it is. And I wouldn’t trade it or you for the world now that I have you.”

Magnus couldn’t find his voice for a while. When the man finally murmured it was barely audible. “Ditto.”

Alec giggled. Really, actually giggled. “You’ve spent too much time with Izzy.” The barista yelped when he punched the man’s shoulder gently. “What was that for?”

“Ruining a sentimental moment.” They yawned together. Magnus chuckled, relaxing against him. “We’re about to pass out. But before we do... You could never, ever disappoint me.” They looked at each other, already half-asleep. “You’re new for me, too. Let’s just figure this out one step at a time, together.”

Alec muttered something incomprehensible.

“What was that?”

“’nds like a plan.” Alec yawned again gloriously, nuzzling his head against Magnus. “’ore talking when we’re awake?”

“Good plan.”

/

A few days later Magnus was deeply suspicious while Alec drove them towards an unknown location. “Where, exactly, are you taking me? You know the way, right?”

Alec huffed. The man grumbled something under his breath before smacking the navigator the barista was using. “Of course I do.”

“That you just reset the route a third time doesn’t fill me with reassurance.” Magnus wasn’t sure if he sounded more irritated or adoring. “You’re lost.”

Alec very nearly pouted. “I’m not lost! I’m... geographically challenged.”

Magnus coughed to hide his laugh. Until he couldn’t contain it anymore. “So is your navigator.”

His laughter was contagious. In seconds Alec joined in, before groaning and running a frustrated hand through his hair. “Magnus, I’m sorry. This has been a lousy date.”

Magnus made a scolding sound. “This date is only just getting started. Don’t judge it yet!” Suddenly he saw something that made his eyes widen a fraction. “Is that... a planetarium, on the hill?” Surely Alec couldn’t remember...!

“Yes!” Alec cheered, his eyes lighting up from excitement. The man went on while continuing to drive, the useless navigator tossed unceremoniously to the backseat. “You used to love learning about stars and planets. We can’t see them in New York so a planetarium is the next best thing. Simon, Izzy’s boyfriend, works there. I asked him to arrange a private evening for us.”

Magnus smiled and leaned his head against Alec’s shoulder. He could still barely believe this. “What did you threaten him with?”

Alec shrugged innocently. Before smirking evilly. “I promised to consider starting to like him.”

Despite him knowing where they were going Alec held his hands on Magnus’ eyes while leading him to the building. “Watch your steps, I don’t want you to hurt yourself”, the taller man cautioned. And pulled him just a little closer when he shuddered at a loud clang. “That was just the door. You’re safe, remember? Okay...” When they stopped the scent of food was clearly evident. “Here we are. Three... Two... One...” Alec pulled his hands aside. And Magnus gasped.

They were inside the planetarium’s massive showroom, with stars and planets everywhere above and around them. When Alec pressed a button soft, romantic music started to play. As though that wasn’t already enough there was a delicious looking meal waiting for them on a picnic blanket.

Magnus’ knees went weak. After Camille, who convinced him that what she had to offer was the best he could ever hope to have... He actually found someone who wanted to give him the stars? It was so ridiculously romantic that he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Among many other things.

“Magnus?” Alec sounded worried. “Are you okay? Did I do somet...?” The man didn’t get to finish.

In retrospect, Magnus probably should’ve been more cautious. But how was he supposed to do that when he wasn’t able to think at all? He threw himself at Alec and started kissing his boyfriend with all the love he had to offer. It caught the taller man off guard and they ended up tumbling to the floor, with Magnus landing on top of Alec. They stared at each other before exploding to laughter.

When they sobered Magnus kissed Alec again. Languidly this time. “Thank you. For the best date I’ve ever had.” He went on because he couldn’t stop himself. “I love you.”

Alec smiled proudly. “I love you, too. And you’ll love me even more after this evening is over.”

Magnus learned two things over the course of their date. Alec was a horrible dancer. And curiously often right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (giggles) Those two are just too adorable, right? I hope that you don’t find the talking boring! But I think it’s something they need. I don’t want to write them almost breaking up constantly because of lack of communication.
> 
> How was the chapter? ANY good? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my day.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Things aren’t always perfect. Magnus and Alec face bad days together. And Alec gets a pleasant surprise.  
Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	16. In Good Times and Bad (I Love You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec face bad days together. On their two-month anniversary they have a date that’s bitter and sweet. And Alec gets a pleasant surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, guys? It’s time to update! (grins and rubs hands together)
> 
> First, though... THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for the praise, love and support you’ve given this story! You have no idea how valuable you are. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then... Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.
> 
> This chapter has some sad parts BUT have no fear, we’ll finish this bit with more ‘sweet’ than ‘bitter’.

/ _Alec’s self esteem had never been the best. After the camp he hit an all-time low. If such drastic measures didn’t manage to fix him then nothing would. He’d always be something his own father despised. A sick, faulty failure of a son._

_The other kids at the camp seemed to recover and the adults gave them nods of approval before sending them home. So did his father upon picking him up and patting him on the back. Alec faked and hid certain parts of himself even deeper into his bruised heart than before. But no matter how carefully he buried his horrible secret he, himself, knew, deep down. At night the things he was shown and what was said to him, over and over, during the camp haunted him. Every time he looked into a mirror, he saw someone filthy and could barely stand the sight of his face. Sometimes the way he wasn’t comfortable in his own skin got so bad that he scratched himself until he bled. When the start of a new schoolyear approached, he started having panic attacks, hiding in his own room. What if everyone would see what he had to do, what he really was? He went to an awful therapy camp and it didn’t work. He was more ashamed of himself than ever before._

_The worst part was that he couldn’t share what he was going through with anyone without making things worse. He certainly couldn’t lean on Magnus when it came to... this. He saw that his mom worried about him and she asked if something happened at the camp. But how was he supposed to tell her when he feared that she’d react like his father did upon learning his secret? He didn’t think he could handle two parents being disappointed in him. Jace also wasn’t an option, as close as they were. He might’ve talked to Izzy but she seemed to be going through something, too. When he tried to find out what was wrong, she snapped at him._

_And then he had to see Magnus with Imasu. Imasu, who was everything Alec wished he could be. Openly gay and proud, clever and affectionate, infuriatingly good looking. The boy also played a guitar more beautifully than Alec had ever heard anyone play anything. None that stung as badly as the fact that Imasu was allowed to kiss Magnus and hold the boy’s hand._

_“Aren’t you worried?” Alec asked once, when Magnus left him and Imasu alone for a little while. (Deliberately, he’d discover soon.) “About what others may say or do when they see you together?”_

_Imasu frowned. “Why would I worry about what others think? Some people will always have their... opinions. The important thing is what I know about myself, and what Magnus and I think about each other.”_

_Alec wanted to cry. Because while those beautiful words were Imasu’s reality, the rules of his life would always be different. (The voices in his head, including his father’s, would never allow him to accept himself in such a way.) He swallowed thickly, no longer feeling like finishing the soda he’d bought. “Magnus... He deserves someone like you.”_ Not a pathetic, closeted mess who can’t even stand himself_, his mind continued. He forced himself to meet the other’s surprised, dark eyes. “He’s been... special to me since we were kids. Take good care of him.”_

_Imasu nodded slowly. He got a nasty feeling that the musician saw more than he was supposed to. “I intend to. For as long as Magnus lets me.”_

_Imasu had to leave soon after that. To Alec’s surprise Magnus offered to walk him home. The dancer seemed nervous. Soon it became apparent why. “So... What do you think about him?”_

_Alec’s insides rolled when he realized that he had a choice to make. He could be selfish and lie, make sure that there wasn’t anyone else around after Magnus’ heart. Or he could be honest and let the one he loved be happy. Even if it wasn’t with him. “He’s a great guy. And he really cares about you.”_

_For some reason Magnus’ shoulders relaxed and sagged at the same time. “Good. That’s... That’s good to hear.” The boy gave him a look. “This probably sounds stupid, but... Your opinion means the world to me. Because you’re my best friend, and the most honest person I’ve ever met. I could never be with someone you don’t accept.”_

_Alec wanted to laugh bitterly and sob. But he kept his feeling concealed. Over the weeks and months that followed everything he bottled up transformed to a ticking timebomb._

_Which finally went off on the day he found out what Izzy was hiding._ /

/

By the time they were approaching their two-month milestone Alec and Magnus had noticed clearly that all relationships take effort. Neither questioned how much they loved each other. But they both had their emotional sore spots and sometimes those clashed. They fought every now and then, went on until they remembered that they fought together rather than they fought each other. It was trying at times but even during the worst moments neither of them considered giving up when they’d finally gotten together.

And then there were the issues they both still processed with the aid of therapy.

One morning the pair woke up to the kind of silence that didn’t feel comfortable. Magnus recognized it for what it was immediately and a sinking feeling made itself known in his stomach. He was an idiot to imagine that... those days would stop magically now that he was in a healthy, happy relationship.

Alec, of course, couldn’t understand what was going on. The barista looked at him with a frown, trying to find answers from his eyes that were tired from other than lack of sleep. “Magnus? Are you okay?”

Magnus was so drained that attempting to explain seemed like too much effort. But he wanted to try. “Bad day”, he managed quietly. Hoping that those two words conveyed enough.

Alec nodded slowly, gears turning visibly in the man’s head. In the end the barista took his phone. “I’ll tell Maia that I won’t come in today.”

Magnus shook his head as forcibly as he could manage. “Go”, he commanded. “I’ll be okay.” And he would be, he knew as much after years of unfortunate experience. Even the heaviest of these episodes ended eventually and he didn’t have any intention to do... something stupid. His mind was just exhausted and he needed some time to reset it. He definitely didn’t want anyone watching him when he was like that. (The pressure of having to pretend that he was okay all day would’ve been too much.) And making Alec miss a day of work would’ve only made him feel worse.

It was easy to see how reluctant Alec was to leave. But in the end the man respected his wishes. “I’ll message you as often as I can. If you don’t answer them, I’ll come back immediately.”

Magnus nodded again. And hoped that he’d be able to keep his end of the deal. He used up a favor and asked Dot to take over his two dance classes for that day, then closed his eyes.

He started nodding off almost immediately. At some point he woke up to a kiss being placed on his cheek. When a hand took his he gave it a squeeze, which was as good as a promise. After Alec left Church jumped to the bed and they slept away most of the morning and early afternoon. Every now and then his phone’s bleeps disturbed his rest. Mostly the incoming messages were his beloved’s reports of what was going on in the world outside. (The weather was horrible. And the grouchy male-customer who smelled of onions was back.) Some of them were poorly masked attempts to find out how he was doing. (Including reminders to eat, because breakfast was important. And a suggestion to take a shower since he loved those and they always made him feel better.) Those messages were even better than a physical presence because they provided comfort without the humiliation of someone seeing him at his most pathetic.

Ridiculous, perhaps, but Alec’s tender words made Magnus want to cry. On such a day it was hard to convince himself that he deserved that kind of care, which he was getting for the first time in his life. Magnus did his best to message back every time, one contact only consisting of ‘_I love you_’. Even on such an annoying day he didn’t want Alec to doubt the depth of his feelings.

Eventually Magnus found the strength to get up. He did shower and took a glass of juice when the thought of food nauseated him. Then he overfed Church who was more than happy to take advantage of his generosity. While he didn’t feel like putting on makeup or doing his hair, he painted his nails burgundy. And just breathed through the cloudy day, as aches that had nothing to do with physical causes eased and the monsters at the back of his head hissed.

It was painful how cautiously Alec entered home after wrapping up his shift. Dread transformed to a smile when the man found him from the couch. “Hey.” They greeted each other properly with a kiss. “Feeling better?”

“Hmm.” Magnus breathed in deep and decided that he needed to explain further, now that talking wasn’t quite so taxing anymore. “I take medication for depression and it helps. But sometimes these bad days sneak up on me. When that happens I just... have to take some time, to work my head through it.”

Alec seemed to understand. The man sat to the couch and wrapped an arm around him. (To which he leaned eagerly.) “If I can do something more to help, let me know.”

Magnus squeezed his boyfriend’s hand. “You do more than you realize.” He rested his tired head against the other’s shoulder. “Thank you, for being there for me. If you ever have a bad day, I want to be there for you, too.”

/

The following week Magnus was doing stretches after a rough training session when his phone started ringing. He smiled at who the caller was. “Hey. I was just...”

“_Magnus, it’s me._” Maia? Why would she be using Alec’s phone? “_Raj stopped by at the café. I didn’t even know that the bastard’s back in New York. I have no idea what he said to Alec, but... Can you get here? I think he needs you._”

Magnus’ chest ached. “Tell him that I’ll be there really soon.” He was already running before finishing the sentence.

Reaching the café took frustratingly long. Magnus didn’t recognize the young girl behind the cash register, nor did he care much. His focus locked on Maia, who motioned for him to join her in the staff’s break room. The sight awaiting inside was heartbreaking.

Alec sat on the floor, legs brought against his chest and head between his knees. It was surprising, really, that he could sit with how badly he was trembling. Every wheezing breath shuddered.

Not noticing Maia’s departure, Magnus knelt by Alec’s side. “I finally made it here. I know that you feel horrible right now but I’ll try to help, okay?” He’d gone through a few panic attacks over the course of his life. Which didn’t make witnessing the man he loved wrestling with one any easier. “I’m going to place your hand on my chest so you can match my breathing. But I’m not going to touch you further.”

Alec nodded barely visibly, giving his consent. Without saying another word Magnus did what he promised to. For a few moments he let the other get used to the feel of him and his strong, steady breaths. “Whatever it is you’re seeing and hearing right now... Focus on me instead. On my voice and breathing. Inhale, and exhale. Slow and steady.” He went on when Alec tensed up. “You can, I promise. Trust me and come back to me fully.”

It took so long that they both started to get frustrated. But eventually Alec began to gulp in proper breaths, some color and clarity returning to his face. The barista’s hand trembled when he placed it on top of Magnus’, needing a reassurance that he was there. Their eyes locked and held.

“What do you need?” Magnus asked quietly and brushed a strand of hair off Alec’s forehead.

All of Alec’s wishes were summarized with two words. “You. Home.”

Under different circumstances Magnus would’ve smiled. “That can certainly be arranged. Let’s go.”

An hour later they were curled up on their couch, watching an old movie. While Alec slept, clutching at Magnus’ shirt tightly, the smaller man kept watch. Being together gave them both hope that a new dawn would bring a better day.

/

Alec and Magnus agreed to take it slow. The problem was that Alec had no idea what, exactly, the definition of ‘slow’ was. How was it possible to know when the time was right for trying new things? What was crossing a line and rushing? He would’ve wanted advice but had no intention to actually ask someone. He already felt pathetic enough for being so damned clueless.

Their eighth date on their two-month anniversary was something as heartwarmingly simple as East Village burgers and a late evening movie theater display of ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’. Alec had never been a big fan of movies but he truly liked that one. Especially when he saw the way Magnus’ eyes shone and how his boyfriend mouthed the lyrics of ‘Moon River’.

It started to rain heavily while they were on their way home. They had no hope of getting a taxi at such a busy hour and while the journey wasn’t long, they were bound to get drenched. Alec grimaced apologetically. “I’m sorry, I don’t even have an umbrella...!”

Magnus laughed heartily. Despite the fact that rain had made a mess of his makeup and painstakingly styled hair. The moisture also couldn’t be good on those expensive-looking clothes. “Alexander, you can’t control the weather.” The dancer winked. “You’ll just have to do something to help me forget about the downpour.”

Alec was more than happy to accept the challenge. He licked his lips, then pressed them against Magnus’. Still amazed by how much like coming home the first tender, then passionate contact felt.

By the time they made it home they were drenched basically to the bone. Church greeted them at the door but ran off with a loud hiss at the sight of their soaked clothes. The men couldn’t stop grinning, even if they were shaking from cold.

They really needed to change into something dry, though. At first neither thought much of it while they shed the dripping garment in the bedroom they shared despite not having gone... all the way yet. Then they happened to look towards each other simultaneously, while they were both in nothing but their boxers. Alec couldn’t obey the voice in his head screaming at him to look away.

Despite his makeup having spread all over Magnus was breathtakingly beautiful. The hair, so soft and tempting with rain having beaten it to a more natural state, made the man even more tempting. And then there was all the rest. The muscular, hairless chest... The soft looking skin... The absolutely perfect figure... Alec’s gaze savored it all. Until he saw the stabbing-scar that so very nearly stole Magnus from him, shuddered and made the mistake of looking lower. At the black boxers that, judging by their fullness, contained something spectacular.

Perhaps Alec had never... been with anyone. But he had a vivid imagination and a lot of raging hormones. The sight in front of him stirred special something in him to life.

If the look on Magnus’ face was any indication, he wasn’t alone with those urges. The dancer’s unnaturally dark eyes fell towards Alec’s boxers, which did little to hide how he felt at the moment. The man’s eyebrow bounced up while the eyes rose back to his, slowly and reluctantly leaving the southern area. “I take it you like what you see?” Magnus mused, his voice husky from desire.

Heat rose to Alec’s cheeks but he wasn’t embarrassed or self-conscious. In fact, he felt more confident than ever in his life under a gaze that appreciated him so. “You think I can’t see that the feeling’s mutual?”

Magnus shrugged in a manner that seemed to say ‘what are you going to do about it?’ and looked at him challengingly. Which Alec immediately accepted. Taking it slow be damned.

It was hard to say which one of them moved first. Very possibly they did so simultaneously. Alec had no idea what he was doing when his body took lead. His lips found Magnus’ with ease and his hands fit to both sides of the dancer’s hips as though they belonged there. They moved together without needing any verbal cues and very soon Alec found himself flying. Figuratively and literally. He landed on the bed softly and Magnus followed gracefully, falling on top of him without their lips breaking contact for even a second.

While Alec took the top spot the heat in his groin became maddening, silenced all rational thoughts. His mouth and hands continued to explore, unable to get enough. He almost lost himself to lust entirely. Until he realized that Magnus wasn’t trembling solely from pleasure.

A frown on his face, Alec reluctantly put enough distance between them to be able to study his beloved. Magnus had his eyes closed and lips pressed together tightly. The way the man held his breath suggested that he was trying not to cry out or whimper.

Alec had no idea what was wrong. But he knew that he had to bring things to a halt, despite how eager certain parts of him were. “Magnus? What’s going on?”

Magnus swallowed hard. Then spoke quietly and carefully, like someone fearing that the words might transform into a scream. “... just a flashback ... be okay ...”

Alec’s heart broke. “You’re not okay, you’re on the verge of having a panic attack.” With no intention to continue with what they were up to he gathered the other to his arms. So close that they felt each other’s heartbeats. (Magnus’ jumped wildly.) “Just... Just breathe. When you feel like you can do so easily, we’ll talk.”

Magnus offered no reaction. They lay like that for a very long time. Both of them confused and frustrated.

“I’m sorry.” Magnus’ voice was so low that he nearly missed it. “... wanted to, I really did, Alexander. ... thought I was ready ... And then, those memories...” The man trailed off.

Alec sighed and kissed the other’s head to signal that he wasn’t angry. “You tried to go through with it, anyway.” It wasn’t an accusation. “Why didn’t you ask me to stop?”

Magnus shrugged. The answer came after a great delay. “She never let me stop.” _Camille_, the hateful name lingered in the air around them without being voiced. The man sounded achingly ashamed. “... told me to suck it up like a man and get over it.”

Cold that transformed to fiery rage sped through Alec. He inhaled a couple of times to ensure that he wouldn’t sound hostile. “Magnus...!”

“... know that you’re not her. I know.” Magnus groaned. Alec understood. Knowing it and feeling it were two different things when the certain kind of panic filled one’s mind.

Alec sighed heavily. Deep in thought, he started to play with his boyfriend’s hair. It seemed to soothe them both. “Well, I’m never, ever going to make you continue when you’re not ready for it. When we go for it... I want it to be perfect for you, because... It may not be your first time, but it’s your first time with me. You deserve it being perfect.” He didn’t care if he was rambling. And he wasn’t finished. “And next time... We’re gonna agree on a safe word... or something. So you’ll know that you’d only have to say that one word to make it stop.”

It seemed that he was doing something right because Magnus started to relax. “You’re... surprisingly knowledgeable on these things.” It was half teasing, half touched.

Heat flared to Alec’s cheeks. “I, eh... may have done a bit of research.” The less said about that the better.

Magnus laughed. Which changed to a sigh. “I’m sorry I ruined our date.”

“What are you talking about? I have the man I love in my arms. This is pretty damned perfect.” Alec waited for a few moments before continuing. “If you want to talk about what triggered you, I’m willing to listen.”

Magnus shook his head, pointedly not facing him. “Now that story would certainly ruin the evening.” The dismissal was crystal clear, gently as it was put. “And, for the record... I love you, too.”

Alec accepted defeat far more easily after those tender, honest words. “Is there... something I can do? To help more?”

“This, us, right here, like this... It’s more than enough.” By then Magnus sounded content and half asleep. “And you’re certainly allowed to keep your hand where it is.”

Alec hadn’t noticed that he’d been so afraid of making Magnus more anxious that he’d forgotten to move his hand from... a certain area. If Magnus was happy with it then so was he. They fell asleep like that, safe in each other’s arms. Neither had dreams, good or bad.

All in all, it was a pretty great date evening.

/

A couple of days later Alec came home to a dark apartment. He wondered if Magnus’ dance practice stretched until his boyfriend called out. “Don’t switch on the lights, just come to living room. I cleared away anything you could've tripped on along the way.”

Curious, Alec followed his beloved’s advice. Just like he’d been promised the path was clear. What he found made his knees go a little weak.

Just like on the night when they became a couple there were candles everywhere. On the floor there was also a sieve. Magnus had created stars to the ceiling and walls by placing a flashlight under the item. Once Alec walked in the melody of ‘Moon River’ began to play.

Magnus seemed sheepish. “Perhaps this is foolish, but... I wanted to show you that you’ve already given me several of the best days of my life.”

Alec was so moved that he didn’t have words. He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “Well. You’ve... given me all of mine.”

Magnus stared at him in a way that made Alec’s heart flutter. (It was still baffling to him to be loved in such a way.) Then the dancer closed the distance between them and sealed their lips to a long, sweet kiss. “Strawberries?” Alec mumbled afterwards and licked his lips appreciatively.

Magnus smirked mysteriously. “Perhaps later we’ll have some of that favorite cake of yours. Which I may have tasted before you came home.” The man took a tender hold of him. “Now... I’m going to teach you how to dance.”

Alec chuckled. “That, ah... may take a while.” Saying that he had two left feet would’ve been an understatement.

Magnus shrugged, undeterred. “That’s perfectly fine with me. I’m in this for the long haul.” And suddenly they weren’t talking just about dancing anymore.

Alec pulled the man who was his world closer still. “So am I”, he proclaimed. Quite possibly meaning it more than he’d ever meant anything.

From the couch Church observed them with one open eye, then huffed at the ridiculous humans and went back to sleep.

/

The following day was Alec’s time off. Unfortunately he’d forgotten to switch his phone to a silent mode, which was why he woke up with a loud groan to a message alert. All remnants of sleep vanished when he read the words from Maia.

‘_Come to the café, now! Someone wants to buy a couple of your paintings to her gallery. She says that you could be New York’s next young star._’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just for fun... Check out the lyrics of ‘Moon River’. They sort of fit Malec. (grins)
> 
> Also! Imasu IS a genuine article. He just happens to meet Magnus when Magnus isn’t ready for a good, healthy relationship, for love – and unfortunately he isn’t Alec. (shrugs) LOL, and the ‘woman’ mentioned at the end is also a genuine article. Looks like we’ve hit the mostly ‘sweet’ part of this ‘Bittersweet’ story.
> 
> Sooooo... Thoughts? Comments? PLEASE, let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS make my day.
> 
> IN THE NEXT ONE: Alec’s career as an artist begins to take a flight. He and Magnus finally take the... next step. And in prison Camille faces the lethal consequences of treating people like dirt.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	17. Of Mangoes and Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec’s career as an artist begins to take a flight. He and Magnus finally take the... next step. And in prison Camille faces the lethal consequences of treating people like dirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s Saturday, which means... Updating time! (rubs hands together) 
> 
> First, though... THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! A while back this story was attacked by a troll so it means the world to me that not all of you think the same way that person does. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, folks... It’s go-time! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _Alec didn’t visit the treehouse as often as he did before. But there were days when it was the only place where he felt like he could breathe. Perhaps it was the same for Magnus. One Saturday he was surprised to find his friend upon climbing up. “Magnus?” A frown appeared to his face when he saw a bottle of alcohol on the floor. “Have you been drinking?”_

_Magnus shrugged, too embarrassed to meet his gaze. “A little.” The boy’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “I’m sorry. No one was supposed to see me like this.”_

_Alec had no idea what to do, how to help. Slowly, like someone approaching a shy wild animal, he sat down. “Is... everything okay?” He wanted to roll his eyes at himself. Wasn’t it pretty obvious that everything was wrong?_

_Magnus still refused to even glance his way. The silence that followed was loaded. “There’s... I think there’s something wrong with me.” The teen clenched his jaw. “Imasu... He told me that his family is moving to Chicago next month and asked me to go with them.” Magnus’ eyes became distraught. “He also said that he loves me and... I couldn’t say it back, no matter how hard I tried. I didn’t know what to say to him. He looked so sad and I couldn’t find the words to make it better. So I kissed him instead and...” The boy trailed off, appearing even more ashamed than before, and shook his head. It was fairly easy to deduce what followed the kiss. (Not that Alec would’ve particularly wanted to figure it out.) “We’ve been together for almost five months and he’s been amazing. Shouldn’t I be able to say... that back by now?” Magnus ran a frustrated hand through his hair. The previous time he seemed so small and frail he was in a hospital bed. “He deserves better than me and my mess.”_

_“You just weren’t ready to say it yet. It doesn’t mean that there’d be something wrong with you.” Nausea bubbled in Alec’s stomach. “Do you love him?” he made himself ask because he was a masochist enough to want to know. Whatever the answer might be, no matter much it’d hurt. He was too terrified to ask if the boy he secretly loved was considering moving away._

_Magnus didn’t get the chance to answer. Because just then they both received messages. Izzy and Raphael, who’d been Magnus’ friend for years already, were in a hospital. And what could only be described a nightmare began._

_They were just kids, which meant that they were given only bits and pieces of information. Far too little of that made sense to Alec. Apparently it was a case of accidental overdose. Several people used a batch of drugs that wasn’t what it was supposed to be. Raphael was lucky and got off fairly easily. Izzy, who took more... She was still receiving treatment and it was a touch and go._

_Raphael stumbled to the hallway in search of news about Izzy at the worst possible moment. The older boy’s eyes met his. And Alec saw red. “You did this to her”, he hissed. All the pain and sorrow he’d been bottling up for far too long begging to be unleashed. “This is your fault!”_

_“I love her!” Raphael attempted to defend himself. “I’d never force her to do anything! And today we chose to buy from that guy together!”_

_Alec couldn’t hold himself back for another second. He lunged at Raphael like a wild animal, tackling the shorter boy to the floor. Before he knew it, his fist met the other’s face and it felt better than it should’ve. So he did it again. And again._

_Someone’s determined pull yanked him away from his bleeding target. “Alec, stop! Attacking him won’t do Isabelle any good!”_

_Alec whirled around towards Magnus with blazing eyes. “How can you defend him after what he did to Izzy?” Already then he knew that the betrayal in his tone came from so much more. He lifted his chin. “Are you seriously choosing him over us?”_

_Magnus’ eyes became desperate. (Which should’ve softened him but only added fuel to fire.) “Raphael doesn’t have anyone else!” his friend cried out. “I... I can’t just abandon him now!”_

_“So you rather abandon us instead?” Alec hated how close to tears he sounded. He was losing Magnus; to Imasu, to Raphael, to Chicago. He might lose Izzy, too. It was all too much. “If that addict is more important to you than we are, then so be it.” With that he marched away. (Unaware of how deep his words bit.) It wasn’t until he was in the elevator he realized that he was crying._

_/_

_A pathetic addict who kept letting people down. That was what Magnus heard. And his heart shattered to a thousand pieces. All of a sudden he was far too sober._

_“Magnus...”_

_He shook his head, unable to look at Raphael in that very moment. “Don’t. Just... Don’t, not right now.” He swallowed convulsively to keep himself from vomiting. “I’ll be back later. Just... Not now.” He needed time alone. And a drink, or many drinks. Because getting drunk enough would keep him from craving for other things that’d make him feel even worse._

_Magnus vanished for almost a full day after that. To turn up huddled outside Imasu’s door, from where his boyfriend found him. “Magnus? Where have you been, I’ve been so worried...!” That was when Imasu’s brows furrowed. “Why do you reek like a bar?”_

_Magnus swallowed thickly and looked at the other teen for a long moment, savoring every detail. And did the best and most selfless thing he could. He was sinking and decided to release Imasu, before he would’ve dragged the boy who loved him down with him. “I can’t go to Chicago with you. And I can’t be with you anymore”, he whispered. “Because I... I can’t ever give you what you want, what you deserve.” A single tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn’t entirely sure why because he felt carved hollow. “I’m sorry.”_

_Waiting for Imasu to react was torture. “Is this about Alec?” The musician didn’t sound angry, just terribly sad, which made it all worse. Magnus expected to be yelled at, struck or worse. It would’ve hurt less._

_He shook his head. “This... This is all me.” Perhaps one day Imasu would understand that he did this to protect him. “I’m sorry”, he tried again, the words as empty as he was._

_Imasu nodded slowly and it was impossible to tell if the boy believed him. “So am I.” With that the teen straightened, entered the apartment and closed the door between them. The something-like-a-relationship that’d kept Magnus from doing things that made him even more ashamed of himself was over. And despite knowing that he did the right thing the dancer felt more lost than ever before._

_Imasu started to play, the sad melody carrying to Magnus’ ears. On opposite sides of the door they both shed some tears. To escape the urge to knock and make things worse Magnus hauled himself up and left swiftly, despite having no idea where to go._ /

/

When Magnus entered the café with lunch he hoped to share with his beloved he had no idea what was going on. Alec’s eyes were shining and full of disbelief. Maia seemed ready to burst from excitement. Magnus couldn’t stop a fond smile from appearing. “I don’t know what, exactly, happened. But suddenly I wish I brought cake.”

“Remember when I told you this morning that someone wanted to buy a couple of my paintings? And I was sure that it was some sort of a prank?” Alec shook his head and seemed surprised to not wake up from a sweet dream. “It wasn’t. And... The buyer was Imogen Herondale.”

Magnus’ eyes widened. “Imogen Herondale? You’re talking about one of the country’s most notable art collectors?”

Alec nodded. “She... She said that I have potential, if I hone my skills a little. And that if I’m able to provide a few more paintings of the quality those she saw were, she may consider assigning me to next year’s exhibition for young artists.”

No words would’ve been enough to express just how proud Magnus was of the man he loved. So he closed the distance between them and jumped to Alec’s arms. The surprised man wavered but didn’t fall down, instead held on to him like he was the most precious thing in the world. The searing kiss they exchanged made the whole world tilt hazardously.

“Keep going like that I’m pouring ice water on you”, Maia threatened only half-jokingly.

The men chuckled. Alec looked at him with sparkling eyes that were far from the haunted ones with which he returned from Boston. “I’m so glad that I came back to New York”, the barista murmured. Obviously not talking only about Herondale’s offer anymore.

Magnus’ heart stuttered. “So am I”, he confessed. “And this... calls for a celebration.”

Which took place later that day. Right there at the café, which Maia co-owned by then. Magnus enjoyed himself, once again realizing how much he’d missed spending time with people who actually cared about him. Until his joy changed to alarm when Raphael walked in.

He was about to ask his friend to leave until Catarina grabbed his arm. “It’s okay”, she soothed. “Apparently Alec invited him. I was as surprised as you are.”

In stun Magnus watched the once sworn enemies exchange a few words. Then a nod of mutual understanding. Alec even took some distance to let Raphael talk with Izzy, continuing to keep watch over them but still. In the middle of it the soon-to-be-artist met his gaze and they shared a smile. It was time to move on from past mistakes and give second chances.

One step at a time.

/

One important step to something like recovery was Alec and Magnus taking some therapy sessions together. They loved each other and were devoted to work on their relationship. But there were issues and old, festering wounds they needed some help with.

“This has been a very good session so far”, their therapist complimented on a rainy afternoon a couple of days after the party. “Which is why I think it’s time to try something new. You’re allowed to ask each other one difficult question. If you choose to answer, you must do so honestly.”

That succeeded in surprising the pair. Magnus went first, after some hesitation. “That day you had a panic attack because of Raj... What did he say to you?” He needed to know, to be able to help vanquish those monsters in the back of Alec’s head.

Alec couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze. “He, ah... came to see me, said that he’d been thinking about me. Then he tried to kiss me. When I refused and told him that I’m with someone he laughed and asked who the hell would want a pathetic conversion camp basket case like me. I told him to go back to his wife.”

Magnus gasped. His blood boiled. “Alexander...!”

“It hurt”, Alec admitted quietly. Then grabbed his hand. “But... Then you came and I remembered how much better off I am than he is.” Alec kissed his knuckles. “I’ve found true love and happiness. He’ll never be able to say that.”

A heavy but not unpleasant silence followed. The therapist allowed them to gather themselves. “It’s your turn, Alec.”

Magnus felt Alec’s eyes on him but couldn’t meet them. Because somehow, he already knew what was coming. “Back then, when we almost... You know. What triggered you?” When he couldn’t speak Alec went on. “I’m not asking to be nosy. I just... When we try again, maybe you can help me... not trigger you.”

Magnus sighed heavily, his gaze on the floor. (What therapist’s office had a mint green floor?) “I’m not sure if there’s a lot you can do to help, but... You deserve to know.” He clenched his jaw. “My previous time with a man, months before Camille... It was at the back of this horrible club. And... I don’t think it was entirely consensual because... I was so drunk that I could barely walk. I meant to tell him to stop but I don't know if I did. All I can remember for sure is the painfully loud music and those hands on me.”

Those revelations opened several cans of worms they had to talk about. They left the session holding hands and continued the talk at home, as their therapist suggested. In the end they fell asleep tangled together on their living room floor. With tear tracks on their cheeks but feeling lighter than before with those shameful secrets out in the open.

/

Fairly often people wait for the magical ‘right time’ for things to happen. Sometimes it leads to those things being missed out on entirely. Other times people open their eyes just in time to see when the ‘right time’ has arrived.

It was a perfectly dull evening a couple of weeks after the little party. Both Magnus and Alec had gone through a long, exhausting day. While coming home from a grocery store, they complained about troublesome café clients and pesky parents of dance students. Until in the middle of unloading the groceries Magnus’ nose wrinkled suddenly from disgust.

Alec arched an eyebrow. Confused and amused by how appalled his boyfriend seemed. “They’re just groceries. What has you looking like there’s something out of Church’s litter box in there?” He rolled his eyes when mentioned feline meowed indignantly. “Not to insult.” The cat huffed and sulked while strutting away.

“Mangoes?” Magnus spat it like a curse word and grabbed one of them to glare at it with venom. “I hate mangoes.”

Alec... honestly hadn’t had any idea. He coughed to hold back a possibly inappropriate laugh at his beloved’s dramatics. “Sorry. But I only got three so...” He frowned at the spaced-out expression on the other’s face. “Are you okay?” This seriously couldn’t be just about the stupid fruits.

Magnus grinned triumphantly, eyes twinkling when they met his. “I finally came up with a safe word for us.” The dancer held out the fruit. “Mango.”

Alec couldn’t hold himself back for another second. Magnus emitted a surprised sound that transformed to a moan of ecstasy when the barista crashed their lips together. It was a kiss neither of them wanted to ever end. The poor, innocent mango fell loudly to the floor when Magnus slipped both hands under his shirt. Alec gasped from pleasure while they explored his body greedily, eventually finding their way into his pants. Certain parts of him responded eagerly, especially when he felt the other man hardening against him.

Eventually they needed to put a bit of distance between them to catch their breaths. Their eyes were alight as they panted heavily, each dizzy from the scent of the other. Magnus stared at him like he was something otherworldly, pupils blown wide. “I... I think I’m ready”, the dancer murmured, eyes on his.

Alec hummed. Or perhaps moaned, at the moment it was pretty hard to control the reactions of his body. “I... I can tell your body is”, he managed. “But... are you?”

Magnus nodded and licked his lips. “I’d lie saying that I’m not a little scared, but... I want this. I want you.” And that was what settled it.

They exchanged many more kisses on their way towards the bedroom. And giggled when Alec stumbled while trying to shed his shoes hastily. Sheer heat and want made them both clumsy and clothes were almost too much of a challenge. Especially those damned, tiny, annoying buttons of Magnus’s shirt. Which Alec seriously wanted out of the way.

And then they were on the bed. Both very aware of the fact that it was as far as they got the previous time. Magnus all but sat on top of Alec while the barista held him steady with two large, protective hands. Their hearts raced in tandem.

Eventually Magnus forced out a chuckle. There was an edge of embarrassment and panic to it. “This... This is going to sound foolish, but... I think I need to hear your voice.”

“It’s okay, not foolish”, Alec whispered. Hoping that he’d choose the right words. “It’s... It’s just us here in this bed.” It seemed to be helping because the smaller man’s muscles relaxed under his hands. His hold continued to shield Magnus while the dancer leaned down to kiss the spot on his chest under which his heart was beating, then his neck. It was incredibly hard to keep talking but he did because he promised to. “I... I want to make you feel g-good like you deserve to.”

Magnus’ hand caressed his cheek incredibly tenderly. “Then show me”, his beloved urged, sultry and tender all at once. “Show me how good it can be.”

Alec proceeded to do what he hoped to accomplish just that. He liked to think that he succeeded, despite his lack of experience. Because when their eyes met as they were on the verge of reaching their peak Magnus’ were full of love, wonder and satisfaction. Alec couldn’t resist a grin. “Feeling good?” he choked out with difficulty.

Magnus nodded. “Amazing.” A hand that was softer and smaller than his own squeezed him gently. “There's no one but us in this bed.” The dancer didn’t seem to find talking any easier than he did. “You?”

Alec pulled Magnus closer and cried out in pleasure. “I... I want this to last forever. I love you.” The look appearing to the other’s face confused him. “W-What?”

“No one’s... ever said that to me in bed... and meant it.” Magnus kissed him with so much adoration that it made his head spin. “I love you, too.”

Hearing that made Alec feel wonderful, after all the years he spent hating himself so much that he couldn’t believe anyone would ever love him. Reaching the climax with Magnus was even better. But the best part? It was when his boyfriend fell asleep in his arms with a smile on his face, trusting him completely. It was caressing Magnus’ hair and believing, at least fleetingly, that he might deserve it all.

When Alec fell asleep, also smiling, his ever-overthinking head was silent.

/

Heidi McKenzie didn’t cause the death of her girlfriend Maureen Brown for it was an accident. They had a fight, Maureen stormed off intoxicated, slipped and fell down the stairs. Nor was she in possession over the drugs that were found from their apartment. Her discovering that Maureen was an addict was a big reason why they fought in the first place.

Unfortunately they had nosy neighbors who heard their shouting. One of them entered the apartment building’s hallway and saw her kneeling by Maureen’s body, crying and apologizing. The neighbors’ reports and the drugs were enough to turn the jury against her. The final nail to her proverbial coffin was her lawyer, Camille Belcourt. Who, as Heidi once snarled at a jail mate, wouldn’t have been able to keep the Pope out of prison. Camille didn’t give a damn about what happened to her clients, which Heidi realized far too late. The lawyer’s work was sloppy at best, appalling at worst.

So Heidi was sentenced for a very long time. During her captivity she’d mourned the death of Maureen and dreamed of revenge. To her surprise she got her chance when Camille was placed to the same prison. She kept her distance at first while making plans because she might’ve failed if the lawyer recognized her and became cautious. The day she finally confronted Camille Heidi learned that she had nothing to worry about.

Camille looked at her, frowned for a moment and smiled deceitfully sweetly. “I’m sorry, but... Have we met before?”

If Heidi hadn’t been so full of rage she would’ve wanted to laugh. So the one who ruined her life didn’t even remember her? She planned to use that to her advantage. “I doubt it.” She winked. “I’d remember if I met someone like you.”

Camille smirked. Then pursed her lips. “I’m supposed to attend to this workshop but I can’t find it. Do you think you can help me?”

Heidi’s smile was predatory. “Of course.” And soon they were at the top of a high flight of stairs, avoiding security cameras while kissing passionately. In the middle of a kiss Heidi delivered a shove.

This death wouldn’t be an accident.

/

The following morning Magnus was still sleeping soundly in Alec’s safe arms when his phone buzzed on a silent mode. Announcing a message from Catarina. ‘_Why aren’t you picking up? I’m sending a message because I don’t want you to hear about this from the news. Camille is dead._’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ding dong, the witch is dead. (smirks) Let’s hope that this won’t set Magnus back...! But then again, he has Alec to support him, now. And aaaw, our boys had their first time! (BEAMS)
> 
> Sooo... How was that? ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments seriously mean the world to me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that I’ll see you all there.
> 
> Take care!


	18. Shout It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camille’s death shakes Magnus to the core. Alec does his best to offer support and shows Magnus a new way for releasing the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve got a flu and I was almost sure that I wouldn’t nail an update today. BUT, here we are! (BEAMS) Yay?
> 
> THANK YOU, so much, for your comments, love and support! (HUGS) This hasn’t been the easiest journey. So it means A LOT to me that this story still has some readers left!
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _Alec felt like he was stuck in a never-ending nightmare. Izzy survived but had to go to rehab. Alec wasn’t allowed to talk to her or contact her, which was pure torture. He told himself that he deserved it for letting her down so badly, for not seeing what she was going through. Jace was away more than he was at home. His parents fought constantly. He faced it all alone because he’d pushed Magnus away from his side. His former best friend didn’t leave the city when Imasu did but considering how distant they were, there could’ve been continents between them. Once again gossiping was going wild. More than one bully mocked that Imasu probably left because ‘Bane couldn’t stay out of Lightwood’s pants’. All that led to Alec wrestling with several panic attacks, two of which he had at school. For months upon months his arms were covered in frantic scratch marks that were his only way of screaming for help that never came._

_One night Jace was arrested for being in a barfight underage. Because his mom was on a business trip his father picked up his adoptive brother and dragged the blond to his room. Alec didn’t know what happened but it involved a lot of shouting and later Jace had a bruise on his face._

_Once done with Jace, his father came to him, eyes blazing. “Jace is getting into barfights and spitting at the name of this family that tried to give him a home. Izzy’s in rehab and the whole city’s whispering about her. So you’d better embrace what the camp taught you and keep those disgusting urges of yours at bay, do you understand? Because I need at least one child I can call mine without dying of shame!” With those words the man stormed off, leaving him struggling to breathe under the pressure that slammed at his chest._

_Alec thought that he was all alone once more until Jace spoke. “I’m not gonna lie and say that I’d have any clue what the hell that was about. But I know just what you need. Let’s go.”_

_Alec followed because he was too stunned and breathless to protest. They walked for a long time, until they’d reached a part of the city he’d never visited. He frowned when Jace led them to an apartment building’s rooftop. “Are you... sure that we’re allowed to be here?”_

_Jace rolled his eyes. “Live a little.” The blond stood on the very edge of the rooftop. “I came here for the first time a couple of months ago. To check if this would help. And it did.” Instead of explaining the boy started to scream, from the bottom of his heart and soul. Then turned to him. “You try, too. This building’s practically empty so no one’s gonna hear us.”_

_Alec hesitated but decided that it was worth a shot. He inhaled, to realize how tense his whole body was. Then unleashed absolutely everything; his longing for Magnus, loneliness, self-hatred, bullying, all the pressure his father had placed on his shoulders. Soon Jace joined him, their voices echoing together._

_And for the next fifteen minutes the brothers screamed together. Until they both had no more voice left. Jace gasped and grinned almost manically. “Damn, that felt good.”_

_Alec grinned back but it faded quickly. “What was tonight about, anyway? Because I’m not buying that it would’ve been the first time you did something so stupid.”_

_Jace opened his mouth, likely to claim that he was okay. Then closed it again, troubled eyes darkening. “I... I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I feel so sad and angry all the time.”_

_Alec wondered with little amusement which one of them was more screwed up in the head. Jace who didn’t know what was wrong with him. Or he who was intimately aware of just what was wrong with, how much of a disgusting failure he was._

_But for that night they had the rooftop and each other, and it made things a tiny bit less horrible._

_Less than a month after that Alec overheard his parents talking about getting a divorce. The following day he was so deep in thought that he bumped into someone at a school hallway. “Sorry, I wasn’t...” He trailed off, his eyes widening a fraction. “Magnus?”_

_The other boy... looked horrible, as far as that word could be used of someone so beautiful. Dark circles surrounded Magnus’ eyes, emphasized by how pale and gaunt the teen was. Magnus looked at him as though having seen a ghost and opened his mouth. Only to stumble to his arms._

_“Magnus!” Alec cried out. His heart aching and racing out of sheer terror for the boy he couldn’t stop loving, estranged as they were. “Are you okay? What...?”_

_“I’m fine.” Magnus pushed him further despite barely staying on his feet. “I’m sorry about that. No need to worry.” The teen with whom he once shared just about everything vanished to the crowd._

_Alec stood frozen, his heart still racing. And came to a decision. It didn’t matter how badly what happened with Izzy and Raphael damaged their friendship. They had to try to fix things. Because it was getting clear that they needed each other, more than ever before._ /

/

It was the perfect way to wake up. With Alec’s arms wrapped around him, pressed against the taller man, safe, warm and sated. Magnus didn’t want to open his eyes because he’d never been so happy and he feared that it’d be gone as soon as he woke up fully.

“I know that you’re awake.” Alec sounded amused and affectionate. The barista poked at his nose gently. “You started pouting.”

“... am not ...”, Magnus protested and yawned. He tightened his hold on Alec possessively. “... five more minutes ...”

Alec huffed. “I know your ‘five more minutes’. It means that you’ll keep stalling for at least an hour.” The man’s large hand played with his hair. “You’re a lot of things but definitely not a morning person.”

“Neither are you”, Magnus pointed out. Giving up on trying to fall asleep again with a dramatic sigh, he opened one eye. And grinned adoringly. “You have a very adorable case of a bedhead.”

Alec tried to glare but it was closer to a grin. “So do you. And I’m not adorable.”

“You are”, Magnus argued. “Along with great many other things.” His voice and facial expression changed while he snuggled closer to his beloved. “Last night was... exceptional.” He hoped that it was as good as saying ‘You were exceptional’ because he wasn’t able to squeeze those words out of his mouth.

The way Alec’s eyes lit up suggested that his message was received. “Yeah, it was.” They exchanged a slow, love filled kiss. Some color rose to the taller man’s cheeks. “I’m, ah... glad that it was a... positive thing for you, too. That I could... give you what you needed.” Alec was very clearly talking about more than just the sexual aspects of the night before.

Magnus didn’t have the kind of words to express what Alec gave him. So instead he kissed his boyfriend again, hoping to convey everything that was in his heart with the contact. Then, to avoid getting ridiculously emotional, he smirked. “Now stop fishing for compliments and take a shower. I’ll make us breakfast.”

Alec pouted. Really, honestly pouted. “I was hoping that we could stay in bed.”

“We can have the breakfast in bed.” Magnus wiggled his eyebrows. “Among other things.”

Excitement sparkling in his eyes, Alec leapt out of the bed. Then beelined back to give him another kiss before rushing to the bathroom. Magnus mourned the loss of the other’s body heat with a dramatic sigh, then noticed that his phone was flashing to signal an unread message. Catarina’s words made him very glad that he wasn’t standing up because the whole world spun nauseatingly.

There was an attack and Camille was dead.

A hurricane of memories sped through Magnus’ buzzing head. Camille saving his life on a bridge in London mixed with her crashing a car they were both in. Flashbacks of her kisses mixed with the feel of her hand striking him. All those horrible things she made him believe of himself blended together with those sweet words that pulled him to her orbit.

Camille never loved him, he knew that now. But there was a time when he loved her. And he couldn’t stop the wave of sorrow and guilt that crashed through him.

He sent her to a prison and now she was dead.

/

Alec could tell that something had changed the second he stepped out of the bathroom. Finding Magnus sitting on the edge of the bed, paralyzed by shock and barely breathing, solidified his assumption. He frowned, dread squeezing his abdomen to a tight ball. “Magnus? What’s wrong?” It couldn’t be something he said or did. So what?

Magnus wasn’t able to produce a word. Didn’t even seem to notice him. That was when Alec noticed the phone on the floor. He picked it up and activated the screen. His heart constricted when he saw the message from Catarina.

Magnus’ breaths kept getting louder and Alec had to do something. Moving slowly and carefully, he sat beside the smaller man and began to rub soothing circles on his back. “Try to breathe calmly, in... Then out.” Slowly yet surely Magnus managed to obey and Alec nodded encouragingly despite the other not looking his way. “That’s better.”

Magnus swallowed hard, like someone trying not to vomit. “I shouldn’t be upset. But I...” The dancer wiped his eyes. “I sent her to jail and now... Now she’s gone.”

Alec shook his head firmly. “Magnus, can you look at me?” He went on when his boyfriend obeyed. “You didn’t send Camille to jail, she did it herself. Her own mistakes led to her death. This isn’t your fault.”

It seemed that Magnus wasn’t quite ready to believe him but would’ve wanted to. At least the smaller man was breathing more easily. Magnus rubbed his face roughly with both hands. “I shouldn’t feel... like this.”

Alec snorted. “Like we could always feel the way we’re supposed to. I’ve tried and trust me, it doesn’t work that way.”

Magnus almost smiled. By then trembling had taken over the man’s body. It was easy to recognize a craving for something much stronger than water. Somehow it was possible for Alec to hate Camille even more for pushing Magnus towards such dark thoughts. In death she attempted to shatter him for the last time.

“You know what?” Alec’s decision was made. “Let’s go out. We need fresh air.”

Magnus gave him an incredulous look. Still shaking but at least not focusing on dark impulses. “It’s pouring rain!”

Alec shrugged. “My hair’s already wet from shower and you don’t have makeup on yet. Let’s go.”

Those were the last words they uttered for the next fifteen minutes. They got dressed before starting their journey. Magnus seemed surprised upon realizing that Alec was leading him towards the building’s rooftop but didn’t ask a thing.

Once they stood there, rain beating them mercilessly, Alec had finally sorted out his thoughts enough to speak. “I used to do something like this whenever I was having a... tough time. I stood on the rooftop of an apartment building and screamed at the top of my lungs until my throat hurt.” Perhaps some other day, when Magnus would feel a little less fragile, he’d reveal that back then he had two options. To scream or to jump. Now he was gladder than ever before that he chose right every time. And knowing that Magnus had battled similar urges, he was beyond glad that the other chose right, too.

Magnus clearly noticed that there was more to the story but kept his questions to himself. Instead the dancer focused first on the city below, then on the sky above. And started to scream, out of such anguish that hurt to hear. Eventually panting for breath, the man glanced towards him. “Feels stupid to do this alone.”

Taking the hint, Alec joined Magnus when his boyfriend started again. Neither knew how long they kept going. But eventually they were both hoarse and breathless, and Magnus was only shaking from cold.

Alec wrapped his arm around the love of his life. “It’s time to head back inside. I’m not a therapist, but... I guess it’d ruin the progress we made if we got pneumonia or something.”

Under the circumstances Magnus’ choked snort was as good as a laugh.

They went back inside holding hands, neither looking back. In the safety of their home they undressed and started toweling each other. Until something in the room’s air changed. All of a sudden Magnus’ hands and lips were everywhere. Explored Alec with feverish urgency. And as excited as certain parts of the barista were getting, as loudly as his head buzzed from desire, he realized something.

This was Magnus’ way of responding when he had no idea what to do with himself. Or when he felt like... this was expected of him. No one had ever taught him to handle and express his feelings differently.

“Hey, hey.” Alec pressed a hand against Magnus’ chest and pushed the man further as gently as he could. “You know I want you, but not like this.”

Magnus looked down, visibly embarrassed. “I’m... so sorry that I misread. I just... You helped me and...” The man trailed off.

Alec sighed. “Keep being honest with me and work on being happy. That’s all I need from you.” He embraced Magnus and smiled when the dancer melted to the contact. “If you need to mourn and be sad today, that’s okay. Don’t ever pretend how you feel with me.” He still second guessed himself so much that it was infuriating. He didn’t want to start second guessing how Magnus really felt.

“I don’t know how I feel”, Magnus admitted quietly.

Alec played with the other’s hair. “That’s okay, too.” He inhaled deeply. “You know what? I think you had a point earlier. Let’s stay in bed a little longer, since we both have a day off.”

Magnus answered nothing because he was already asleep.

Alec was about to drift off, too. Until his phone received a message. It was Catarina, with whom he’d messaged a lot since Magnus’ nearly fatal overdose. ‘_You got him?_’

Despite the circumstances Alec smiled. It felt incredibly good that she trusted him so fully with one of her two dearest people. ‘_I’ve got him. He’s sleeping but you’re welcome to join us for a marathon of old movies later._’

‘_How about I bring Madzie along and we make it a Disney marathon instead?_’

Alec’s eyes softened. He knew that Magnus would love the idea and he was also excited about spending time with Madzie. ‘_It’s a deal._’

And so four hours later found the three adults and a very happy little girl lazing around on their couch, munching popcorn. It was obvious that Camille’s ghost still lingered in Magnus’ makeup covered eyes. But the ghost was further away with each strong, stubborn beat of the dancer’s heart.

/

A few more weeks went by. Camille was buried with no fanfare or audience. It didn’t bother Magnus as much as he had expected and he didn’t even consider participating. He was also relieved that Alec said nothing about him needing extra therapy for a couple of weeks after her passing.

Weekly Disney-dates with Madzie and Catarina became a thing all four of them enjoyed immensely. They also spent a lot of time with Izzy and Jace, who started bringing Clary and Simon as well. Magnus and Izzy were already something like friends, despite Alec’s departure to Boston having damaged that bond. Jace played the protective brother act for a while but softened soon under the influence of Magnus’ charm. To the pair’s surprise Max once invited himself for a sleepover when Luke and Maryse were sick with flu.

The youngest Lightwood’s true intentions dawned on Magnus when Alec was brushing his teeth and the boy approached him. With an expression that was very Alec on his face. “Do you love my brother?”

Magnus was surprised into silence for a few seconds. Then nodded. “Yes, I do. With all my heart.”

Max studied his face and nodded upon discovering that he was sincere. “Good. Because... I heard him talking with Izzy, years ago. He said that he didn’t think anyone would ever fall in love with him. I’m glad he was wrong.”

It took some time before Magnus found his voice. “He was wrong”, he assured firmly. “If he lets me, I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life proving him that. I’m lucky that he loves me, too.”

(Unbeknownst to them, Church observed their talk with an unimpressed expression on his face. Coming to the conclusion that he wouldn’t get food, the cat walked away dramatically. Alec, who’d also heard more than he was supposed to, headed back towards the bathroom, wiping his eyes.)

And eventually it was time to face Alec’s parents.

Magnus came home from a beyond exhausting day of dance practice, every muscle in his body screaming for rest. He frowned upon finding Alec staring at his phone with a shocked look on his face. “Alexander? Is... something wrong?”

Alec swallowed hard. “My father... just announced that there’ll be a family dinner.” Their eyes met. “He wants you there, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh... boy... Wanna make bets how that dinner will go? This is Robert’s ultimate and final chance to prove how much he’s changed. IF he has. Poor boys, they’ve had it SO ROUGH but now they’re fighting through everything together.
> 
> Soooo... Was that ANY good, AT ALL? PLEASE, let me hear from you! We’re at the final stages of this story and your opinion would mean THE WORLD to me.
> 
> Until next time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	19. Special Occasions With Very Special People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus have a date that ends up being more... passionate than expected. They also attend to a rather intense dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! I ALMOST had to postpone updating until tomorrow. I’m exhausted, but also determined to get this published.
> 
> First, though... THANK YOU, so much, for all your comments and love! It means more to me than you know that you’re sharing this journey with me and our boys. (HUGS)
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.

/ _After deciding that he wanted to fix things Alec got to work. Which was easier said than done, with Magnus continuing to avoid him. Alec feared that their friendship was ruined past salvation. Until one night instincts led him to their treehouse and he found Magnus sleeping there, huddled under a thin blanket._

_For a while Alec stared, until he was convinced that it was real. “Magnus?” He jumped backwards, nearly falling from the treehouse, when the other boy woke up abruptly, wild eyes darting around. “Hey, easy! It’s just me.”_

_Magnus didn’t relax much upon recognizing him. The teen swallowed hard. “Alexander? I... thought you’d stopped coming here.”_

_Alec shrugged, unsure how to explain why he needed to put some distance between himself and their hideout for a while. “Are you okay? What are you doing here?”_

_Magnus refused to meet his gaze, visibly ashamed. “I... didn’t have anywhere else to go.” The dancer pulled the blanket more tightly around himself. “How’s Isabelle?”_

_Alec sighed heavily. His sister’s... situation was still a source of tension and arguments in his home. “In rehab. I talked to her a few days ago and she sounded like herself.” He shifted from discomfort. “She... told me off for shouting at you. She also told me, very firmly, that we’re both your friends and she’s responsible for her own bad choices.” It’d take a while before he’d be able to stop blaming Raphael. But he didn’t want to lose someone as important as Magnus for... this._

_Magnus nodded and focused on his own chipped black nail polish instead of facing him._

_“I should’ve never tried to make you choose between me and Raphael, it was unfair. I'm so sorry about that.” Alec took a deep breath, bracing himself. “I don’t know what’s going on, but... I can tell that you need a friend. And I want to still be your friend.”_

_Magnus’ shoulders slumped and it took Alec a moment to realize that the reaction was caused by relief. “I’m glad.” They took each other’s hands and neither thought too much of it. “And I’m glad that you’re here right now.”_

_Alec would’ve asked if Magnus wanted to talk about it but the other’s body language made clear what the answer would’ve been so he nodded instead. When holding hands wasn’t enough, he wrapped an arm around the smaller boy. Wanting to protect his friend from the whole world._

_The was how they remained for an hour. Alec was the one who broke the silence. “I’d love to stay here but... You’re shaking from cold. Let’s go to a café. I’m buying us lattes.”_

_It took some time but as of that evening their friendship was on a mend yet again. And Alec was happy to learn that a few days later Magnus was confident enough to call Izzy. He kept being haunted by the question of why Magnus was sleeping in the treehouse but didn’t dare to ask in fear of damaging their development._

_And then graduation was almost upon them. Alec needed some help with math and Lydia Branwell was the best at the subject he knew, so one afternoon he came home with her. To find his father suspiciously excited. “You received a letter from that old school of mine in Boston.” The man handed said letter to him. “Let’s find out if your dreams will come true.”_

_Alec wanted to snap that it was rather his father’s dream but lacked the strength. With unsteady hands he opened the envelope, far too aware of Lydia who didn’t seem to know how to handle the bizarre situation. He pulled out a sheet of paper and nearly dropped it in his anxiety. When he finally had to read it, he felt like all breath was getting sucked from his lungs. “It’s... I got in”, he wheezed._

_“Seriously?” Lydia smiled at him, clearly imagining that this was the best news. “We’re going to the same school! That’s so cool!”_

_It really wasn’t. Because to Alec it seemed like he’d been hauled into a cage and its door just slammed closed. This was the life he’d been pushed towards and now he had no other choice but to accept it._

_There was no way out anymore and there wasn’t enough air in the whole world to help him breathe through the pressure._

_He was so preoccupied that he didn’t see his father watching Lydia appreciatively. Obviously mistaking her for the girlfriend the man had been waiting him to bring home. “Are you going to introduce me to your lovely friend?”_

_If the letter was a cage, those words were a lock. In those moments, in his father’s eager and demanding eyes, Alec saw his whole life written for him. Like he was trapped to a passenger’s seat of a car that was headed down a cliff._

_Alec couldn’t see a way out. So that evening, in the middle of studying algebra, he forced the words out. “Lydia, I was wondering... Will you go to the graduation ball with me?”_ /

/

Madzie was a curious little girl and over the past months Alec had become one of her favorite people. When she saw the young man upon leaving a dance class she beamed and hurried to give him a big hug. “Alec!” she squealed.

“My favorite little ballerina!” he greeted her and picked her up easily with one arm.

His other hand continued to work. She tilted her head at the picture he was sketching on canvas. It was a male dancer, twirling gracefully with his back towards the spectator. “What’s that?” she inquired.

Why did Alec’s cheeks gain a hint of red? He kept sneaking glances towards a room in a floor below, that could just be seen through a massive glass window. Down there Magnus was dancing. “A... very special art work”, Alec settled for.

Madzie smiled. “You make Magnus look pretty. Like an angel.”

She must’ve said the right thing because Alec’s eyes lit up. “That’s because I like him so much. And for that comment alone you’ve earned an ice cream.”

Madzie smiled even more brightly and was happier still when Magnus joined them for the ice cream. While eating her treat she watched the men interacting. And she knew, without a doubt, that Magnus was Alec’s very own angel, or at least ‘the very special person’ her mom once told her about. She hoped that one day she’d find her own.

/

With the dreaded family dinner just days away, Alec and Magnus needed a way to release some tension. One evening the barista arched an eyebrow upon being led to a bowling alley at a fancy hotel. “I saw the ‘closed for a private event’ note on the door. Did you actually get this whole place for us?”

“Perhaps”, Magnus admitted. With a very satisfied grin. “Impressed?”

“That. And concerned.” Alec looked around, admiring the blue and purple lights illuminating the place. It was... very romantic, actually. “How much did this cost?”

“Nothing”, Magnus claimed. “Raphael bought this place a few months ago. I reminded him that he owes me a favor and he was more than happy to help.” (Alec would’ve liked to know how that conversation actually went.) Magnus brushed his cheek tenderly. “Not that it’d matter. Nothing’s too expensive if it makes you smile like that.”

Alec rewarded those sweet words with a long kiss. One neither was eager to break but eventually had to. “You’re just...”, the taller man panted. “... trying to make me lose focus on the game.”

“Is it working?” Magnus inquired just as huskily, arms wrapped around his waistline.

“Let’s find out.”

It turned out they were both competitive and very good at bowling. And far too smitten with each other to focus on the game for very long. Eventually they called it a draw and ended up on lane three, with Magnus lay on the floor and Alec crouching on top of him.

“Wait, wait...”, Alec gasped. Despite several parts of him screaming loudly that waiting was the last thing he wanted to do. “Our second time... Like this?” How was he supposed to articulate clearly when his head was full of lust and love?

Magnus looked up at him and nodded with nothing but certainty, want and adoration on his face. The blue lights caressing his face made him seem like something from a different world. “Absolutely.” The dancer gave his wrinkled forehead a peck. “I told Raphael to switch off the security cameras of this room... unless he wanted to be traumatized for life. And no one’s... going to walk in on us.” Each little pause was a kiss to a new location.

“That’s... not what I was worried about.” Well, all he worried about. Alec studied his beloved’s face for signs of uncertainty or discomfort but couldn’t find any. “You want to?”

Maybe he was being ridiculous, especially considering how magical their first time was. But fortunately Magnus seemed to understand his need to be absolutely sure and nodded patiently. “Yes.” The man pulled him closer and nuzzled his nose with his own. “And our safeword.... It’s mango. I’m safe. I want you.”

And so, under colorful lights and with romantic music playing in the room, they had their second time. Slowly, intimately and very pleasurably. After how much Magnus paid Raphael for them using the bowling alley the hotel owner didn’t complain. Much.

/

And then it was time for the dinner. Alec’s siblings and mom reminded him great many times that he wouldn’t have to attend if he didn’t want to. But he needed it, to obtain a closure if nothing else. And it wasn’t like he was going at it alone.

Alec hated how badly he trembled while standing behind the door of his father’s apartment. Then Magnus took his hand, squeezed it tenderly and he felt like he could breathe again. It was incredibly good to know that he wasn’t alone in the world and with his insecurities.

Then his father opened the door and he felt like he was a teenager again. Until he noticed that he wasn’t the only one feeling vulnerable when the man greeted them with a nod. “Come in.” Robert moved to let them in and ran a nervous, unsteady hand through his hair. “I, ah... haven’t bought a coat rack yet so leave your coats wherever you like.”

That surprised Alec. He glanced towards his father while helping Magnus out of his coat. “You’ve lived here for over a year.”

His father ignored the question. “The dinner isn’t ready yet. I... invited you early, to have a chance to talk to you.”

Alec looked around warily and took an instinctive protective step closer to Magnus. “Where’s everyone else?” There wasn’t a trace of his siblings or mother.

His father’s shoulders slumped slightly. “They’re... not coming.” The man’s eyes filled with sadness. “I cheated on your mother. I never treated Jace the way someone should handle a child placed into their care.” (They both remembered all those arguments and a bruise on the blond’s face.) “I tried to control Izzy to a point where she started doing drugs and nearly died. Max saw it all, saw more than I ever thought he would, and refuses to have anything with me. And you...” Robert swallowed hard. “You’re my biggest failure of all. Yet you’re the only one who accepted my invitation.” (That shocked Alec. It didn’t even occur to him to ask the others if they were coming because he thought... Was he really the only one...?) His father’s eyes shifted towards Magnus. “I’m glad that you’re here, too.” He seemed to mean it. “Because... You’re someone who will always be a part of Alec’s life, regardless of my feelings about it. So I think you need to be included in this talk, too.”

Alec tensed up and lifted his chin. “Just to make this perfectly clear... I never stood up for myself like I should’ve because you helped tear my self esteem to shreds. But if you hurt Magnus in any way at all today, I will walk away with him and never come back.” He took a calming breath. “I brought the love of my life here today against my better judgement because I want to believe that you’re capable of change. Prove me right.”

For a full minute Robert could only nod. After that they talked. A lot, and occasionally very loudly. Bringing up years upon years of still fresh hurt was horrible and only Magnus’ presence helped Alec endure the weight of it. In the end both father and son were exhausted and panting.

It was then, while they were catching their breaths, his father’s eyes met Magnus’. “I’d lie saying I completely accept and approve your relationship. But... I can see that you’re good for Alec, I’ve already told him as much. I’d be a fool to stand in the way of that.”

Magnus nodded, his hand tightening protectively around Alec’s. “Good, because I’d never let you stand in the way of Alec’s happiness again. Once I was too young to recognize the damage you did to him but I’m not a defenseless child anymore. And if Alec lets me, I’ll spend the rest of my life protecting him from anyone who brings him pain, from you as well if I must. Because he’s made me feel safe for the first time in my life and I want to do the same for him.”

_You already are doing that for me_, Alec wanted to say. And his head spun for a moment when he heard Magnus implying that they’d spend the rest of their lives together. (He had too many hopes and dreams of what that might mean.) But just then the doorbell rang and soon the rest of his family entered the apartment. With nothing but unconditional support for him on their faces.

“If Alec’s here, then we’ll be as well”, Izzy announced.

“We’ll try.” Max cast a stern, stone-hard look at Robert. “But only if you’ll try, too. Honestly.”

Robert nodded. More solemn than he’d ever been. “I’ll try”, he swore.

/

Try they all did, through the whole dinner. It was a bit too quiet and awkward. Like a first date that was somewhat uncomfortable but not a disaster. Towards its end they all felt like one chapter had ended and another one was about to start.

Robert found himself doing what his therapist suggested. (_“Open your eyes and look, really look. What do you see?”_ ) He saw a teenager who was shattered almost beyond repair yet somehow succeeded in growing up to be a remarkable, happy and whole young man. And he saw Magnus, who succeeded in something he’d struggled to do until recently. Loving everything about Alec, just the way he was.

And so, when it was all almost over, he asked Magnus to carry dessert dishes to kitchen with him. He looked at the dancer straight in the eye, sighed and unleashed the wisest words he’d ever spoken. “Thank you, for loving my boy.”

/

Alec managed to hold himself together until he and Magnus sat in his car. There, the whole evening’s weight crashing down on him with all its good and bad bits, he broke down. Magnus held on to him while he cried.

“I... I don’t know why I’m reacting this way. This is stupid.” Alec gulped and tightened his hold on his boyfriend. “And... I don’t think I can forgive him yet. But... I want to. Eventually.”

“That sounds reasonable, not foolish”, Magnus murmured tenderly. “He’s your father. I’m glad that there’s hope for you two mending bridges. Maybe he’ll prove himself worthy of forgiveness.”

“Maybe.” Alec kissed the smaller man, expressing all his love and gratitude with that simple gesture. “I don’t want to think about the future right now. Let’s go home.”

Magnus smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go home.”

Only, during the drive that was full of thoughtful silence they did think about the future. A whole lot, actually. And for the first time the picture their minds drew was a good one.

While Magnus leaned his head against Alec’s shoulder the taller man rubbed the dancer’s left ring finger with his thumb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was an intense dinner! BUT. It seems to have further paved path for a brighter future.
> 
> Sooo... Was that ANY good, at all? PLEASE, do let me hear from you! Comments ALWAYS brighten my days.
> 
> THE LAST CHAPTER IS AN EPILOGUE, COVERING A FEW... SPECIAL EVENTS. Will Alec and Magnus get their happy ending?
> 
> Until the next and – I can’t believe this – last time! I REALLY hope that you’ll all join in for that one.
> 
> Take care!


	20. Epilogue – Life Like Bittersweet Latte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes by. And we get to see some glimpses of Malec’s past and future. Will they get the happy ending they deserve?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, folks? The final chapter is here! I can’t believe it, either.
> 
> THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your comments, love and support! It means more than I can say that so many of you have enjoyed this tale. (HUGS) I REALLY hope that this ending won’t disappoint!
> 
> Awkay, then. Let’s go! I REALLY hope that you’ll enjoy the ride.
> 
> SONGS OF INSPIRATION: ‘This is Me’ by Keala Settle and ‘Bird Set Free’ by Sia (They seriously echo the very spirit of this story!)

/ _Alec definitely wasn’t a fan of the graduation ball approaching. But he asked Lydia to go with him and he wasn’t backing out on the deal. He’d prove to himself, once and for all, that he could do it. That he could be normal, even if only for one evening._

_He was surprised to discover that Magnus wasn’t looking forward to the event, either. Usually his friend jumped for any opportunity to celebrate. “One last chance for the idiots to mock me”, Magnus muttered during a lunchbreak, sarcasm deep in his tone. And stabbed a fry aggressively. “I can’t wait for high school to be over.”_

_“Same”, Alec agreed wholeheartedly. Then hesitated. “So... Who are you going to the ball with?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to know._

_Magnus focused a bit too intently on his food. “Actually... I think I’m going alone. It’s not like there’d be a line of people wanting me to ask them.” The dancer glanced towards him briefly and cautiously. “Maybe we could go together. As friends.”_

_Suddenly Alec felt sick. “I... can’t”, he forced out. This time he was the one unnaturally interested in his food. “I asked Lydia and... she said ‘yes’.” He still had no idea why._

_“Oh.” Magnus’ tone held clearly audible sorrow and defeat. Hearing it hurt Alec physically._

_They would’ve needed to talk about it. But just then Jace showed up. The blond ended up eating most of their foods because neither best friend had appetite. They never brought up the ball again._

_And then it was time for the actual ball. Alec’s gaze searched for Magnus but couldn’t find his friend. He didn’t blame Magnus. He wouldn’t have shown up, either, if he didn’t feel like he had to._

_The stares, mockery and whispers started as soon as people saw him with Lydia. “... the hell ...?” “... thought he was gay ...” “... Branwell’s gotta be a blind idiot ...” “... where’s the boyfriend ...?”_

_Alec managed to handle the unwanted attention and painfully loud music for about an hour before it got too much. Lydia noticed him getting worse before he did and led him to a hallway away from the crowd. There, in her friendly embrace, Alec had his worst panic attack so far._

_“... hate this”, he wheezed. “... them ... and New York.”_

_“I know”, Lydia whispered comfortingly in his ear and caressed his hair. “I hate those assholes, too. Just remember that we’ll be out of here soon, in Boston. And that you’re stronger than their bigotry.”_

_Alec wished that he could’ve made himself believe her._

_Alec had no idea that Magnus did show up, fashionably late but still. Magnus happened to spot them just then, having sought after his best friend after sensing that there was something wrong with Alec. He couldn’t possibly know what was actually going on. What Magnus thought he saw was a lovers’ embrace which would soon lead to a kiss. He whirled around and left the ball, not wanting to see more. And tossed the single white rose he bought Alec to the ground. That night he drank so much that he had no idea who he was, let alone who Alec Lightwood was. The following morning he woke up alone in a cheap motel room he couldn’t recognize. With bruises all over his sore body and a roll of money on a nightstand._

_He honestly imagined that things couldn’t get worse._

_After his panic attack Lydia took Alec home. He was too overwhelmed and exhausted to think and fell asleep promptly. To wake up a few hours later to his worried mom asking him what was wrong._

_Alec swallowed thickly and glared at his room’s ceiling. “I... I’ve gotta get away from New York.” Before all the pressure there would crush him. “Tell dad he won. I’m going to Boston.”_

_He honestly imagined that things couldn’t get worse._ /

/

As weeks passed by it became apparent that while both men adored it, Alec’s small apartment wasn’t their long-term home. Magnus’ loft, which held a million horrible memories of Camille, also wasn’t an option. So it was time to consult a real estate agent.

A little over three months after the surprisingly successful dinner the pair entered a penthouse in Brooklyn. Both felt an instant ‘click’. And although the apartment was empty, they saw what it could be.

A huge bedroom for lazy mornings in a ridiculously massive bed, maybe with golden sheets in it...

A balcony where their cats could soak in sunlight and they could admire sunsets...

A living room where they could easily fit a couple of couches. Not that they’d actually need more than one unless they had company. It was effortless to envision several evenings with the two of them cuddled together, munching popcorn while focusing more on each other than one of those old movies they loved.

A kitchen where Alec could hone his rather miserable skills, under Magnus’ watch of course...

A bathroom with a gigantic tub they’d make good use of...

And then that extra bedroom with delicious possibilities... Which could first be a guest room. Then, perhaps one day, they’d change it to something else – for a very special someone...

It felt like a home instantly. But Alec forced himself to be a realist. “Magnus, we can’t afford this.”

Magnus smiled mysteriously. “Oh, but we can. I already have a buyer for my previous apartment so there’s more than enough money.”

Alec frowned. While he was tempted... “I’m not letting you pay almost all of a place we’ll share!”

“Alexander.” Magnus cupped his face with both hands. (By then the woman showing them around had cleared her throat and retreated from the room.) “These four walls... They’re just something material, a place. But with you... I can see a whole life here, and I can tell that so can you. You’re my home. And I want to share this place with you.”

Alec couldn’t speak. So instead he yanked Magnus closer gently and pressed their lips together, sealing them to a kiss that promised even more than the loft. It was all the answer either of them needed.

They’d found their way home – and three days later they moved in.

/

/ _Alec told Magnus about Boston a few days after the ball. He rambled nervously, likely making little sense most of the time. As though trying to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. “Besides, Lydia’s going, too. So it’s not like I’d be going alone.”_

_“That... sounds like an amazing opportunity.” Magnus gave him a pinched smile that held as much joy as sorrow. “I’m happy for you, Alexander.” And the boy was, he could tell. But also something else Alec didn’t dare to think about for long._

_“What about you?” Alec tried to sound more positive than he felt, like someone whose dreams were about to come true. “Any idea which school you’ll go to?”_

_Magnus shrugged and took a long sip of his latte. It seemed to taste bitterer than the boy would’ve liked. “I’m taking a year off. You know, to party and have fun. Maybe I’ll know what I want after that. I could start dancing more professionally.”_

_Alec’s eyes lit up when he imagined Magnus on an actual stage. “You’ll be a hit! And famous. I’ve seen how amazing you are.”_

_Magnus’ new smile was only slightly happier than the previous one. “Thank you. And you’ll make a fantastic lawyer.” The boy raised his mug. “To us.”_

_“To us.” Alec smiled. Despite feeling like crying._

_Magnus didn’t feel like crying. Because the pain in his heart... It was such he’d grown used to. Everyone always left him, sooner or later. Of course Alec was no different._ /

/

Another two months passed by from them finding their home, and Alec got to witness how correct his prediction of Magnus’ dancing had been.

The way Magnus moved was graceful and his posture was always perfect. But there, in his very own element on a stage... It was special. Took Alec’s breath away. Every single move reminded him of a bird that’d been released from a cage after long captivity and was now flying joyously. Magnus seemed to feel lighter than air while spinning and jumping.

Alec had no idea how Magnus could possibly know just where he sat. (Or stood by then, while a storm of applauds shook the massive space.) But when it was over their eyes met and both men grinned triumphantly.

After everything they’d gone through... They won. They were free from emotional shackles and happy. And Alec’s heart was so full of love that it scared him.

Usually spectators weren’t allowed backstage. Everyone Alec encountered on his way there seemed to agree that he made an exception. After how much Magnus had told them about him they greeted him with smiles, almost like they’d already known him as well.

Madzie, whose turn to perform was earlier, threw herself to his arms with overjoyed, shining eyes. “I was so nervous. But it was amazing!” she cheered. Her wording made it clear to Alec that she’d spent a lot of time with Magnus.

As though having been summoned, Magnus appeared. The man’s eyes softened while he ruffled the little girl’s hair and she leaned happily to the touch. “You certainly were amazing, Sweet Pea. I’m beyond proud of you.”

Once Madzie returned to other kids from her group the men exchanged a short but loving kiss. Momentarily forgetting that they weren’t alone. “You were amazing, too”, Alec murmured. “I’ve always known that you’re a phenomenal dancer but that was...” He couldn’t find a suitable word.

Magnus’ smile was something incredibly intimate. “I’m glad to hear that. Because despite all those other people there... Today I was only dancing for you.” How could someone sound so confident and vulnerable at the same time?

The things Alec wanted to do in that moment...! Considering that they were in a public place, perhaps it was a good thing that they were interrupted by Meliorn, another dancer. “Magnus, you’re coming to the afterparty, right?”

Magnus’ hand squeezed Alec’s. “I think I’ll...” The smaller man trailed off and Alec was quick to find out why. His own stomach lurched.

Standing beside Meliorn, appearing bewildered, was none other than Imasu. Meliorn, who didn’t seem to notice the change in the mood, was introducing the man. “... my fiancé ... couldn’t move here with me until a few weeks ago because of work ...”

“We... actually know each other”, Imasu finally managed. “Magnus and I... We dated for a while when we were young and stupid.” The man’s eyes held no malice while taking in first Magnus, then both of them. “You look good. And you two look good together.”

“So do you.” There was new serenity on Magnus’ face. That of someone who’d made peace with one of the ghosts of their past. “I’m glad that you found someone who could give you what you deserve.”

Imasu nodded. “And I’m glad that you found what you needed, what I couldn’t give you.” There was still gentleness between the men, despite everything. But they were never meant to be together, just like two puzzle pieces can sometimes kind of fit together without being in their rightful places. “It was good to see you. Over the years I’ve wondered what happened to you.” Imasu focused briefly on Alec. “Take good care of him.”

Alec nodded. It was the most important promise he’d ever given. (So far.) “I will.”

Watching Imasu and Meliorn walking away, Alec felt the sting of jealousy only for a moment. Because Magnus kissed his knuckles, visibly free from the guilt he’d been carrying around since ending things with Imasu. “I’m usually a big fan of parties, but... How about we get out of here?”

Alec nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. I know just the place.”

They made their way to the café where Alec still worked on occasion while focusing most of his time on art. Just like on the day they were reunited Magnus ordered a latte and Alec had the same. Sitting to a corner table, they clicked their mugs together.

“To us.”

“To us.”

This time the drinks they had tasted sweet rather than bitter.

The following day Alec finally did something he’d let himself dream of since the dinner at his father’s. He entered a jewelry store and picked a ring. One of white gold, with a big eternity symbol made of onyx decorating it. It was incredibly beautiful and dramatic, just like the man he hoped would carry it. He hoped that Magnus would adore it just as much.

He hoped that Magnus would say ‘yes’.

/

/ _Alec and Magnus didn’t celebrate the taller boy’s departure because it would’ve felt too much like saying goodbye forever. They told each other that they’d stay in contact, call and message all the time. That they’d never stop being best friend. Even if the emotional gap between them was already miles wide. Yet deep down they both knew that actually staying in contact while they were apart would be too painful._

_Unsurprisingly his father was more than excited to drive Alec to Boston and they were scheduled to leave at seven in the morning. Alec, who’d never been a morning person, groaned when a small yet infuriatingly persistent sound awakened him at five. Was someone throwing stones at his window?_

_Equally curious and annoyed, Alec forced himself out of the bed and looked down. He frowned upon spotting Magnus, who was shaking visibly in pouring rain. Didn’t they agree to not have a goodbye like this?_

_Careful to not wake up his family, Alec tiptoed outside. “What are you doing here? You’re freezing.”_

_“I’m fine. I just...” Magnus inhaled a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m going to ask you a question. Just once, then I will not ask again.”_

_Alec nodded slowly, wondering where this was going._

_Magnus steeled himself. Then spat out the words as though they tasted foul. “Do you want to go? Do you think Boston will make you happy?”_

_That caught Alec by surprise. “Yeah.” Why did he sound so quiet and hesitant? “I do. It’s... It’s what I need right now.” Wasn’t it? “I have to do this. To try to be happy. I can’t have what I want here.” It was sick and wrong to want the kind of things he did, looking at his friend._

_Magnus shuddered as though having received a physical blow. (It’d take years before Alec would understand why the look in the other’s eyes bothered him so much.) “That... was all the answer I need.” They took a step closer to each other but didn’t hug. (Which would be one of Alec’s greatest regrets for a long time.) “I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for, that you and Lydia will be happy.” (What did Lydia have to do with anything?) It looked like Magnus tried to hold back tears. (Or then rain masked them.) “Goodbye, Alexander.” With those words that sounded terrifyingly final the dancer turned and walked away._

_Some of the moisture on Alec’s cheeks wasn’t rainwater. He stood there with his mouth open. Needing to call out, needing to ask Magnus to go with him. But he couldn’t utter a sound as he stood shaking, all of him falling apart silently._

_By the time his father woke up Alec was fully composed and had dried his hair. His heart ached all the way to Boston. It only got worse while time passed and his contact with Magnus reduced from little to nothing. Despite them being so far away from each other his heart didn’t stop longing for his secret love for even a second. One dark night he stood on a balcony, squeezing the railing so hard that his hands shook. It was the day when he realized that he’d never see Magnus again._

_In London Magnus stood on a bridge because the dark, ominous water down below promising death seemed better than the future ahead him._

_Fortunately fate had very different plans for them. It took some time before they found their way back to each other. But they did._ /

/

A couple of weeks later it was Alec’s time to shine. He opened an art gallery, with Clary of all people. Their friends and family, along with a baffling amount of other people, were present.

Izzy, Max and Simon were openly excited. Jace was, too, despite being unable to stop himself from teasing Alec a couple of times. His mom embraced him and whispered how proud she was of him. Robert was there as well, which was more than Alec had dared to hope for. The man didn’t approach him because neither needed the drama their interaction still tended to cause. But his father did raise a glass of alcohol-free Champaign and Alec did the same. They decided that no words were needed for that moment.

And Magnus... He was Alec’s inspiration. The spectators obviously adored all his works but those angel ones were the biggest hit. Several people murmured to each other, wondering if the heavenly creature on canvas represented someone. The pair exchanged loving looks and knowing smiles.

That perfect evening Alec felt accepted, loved, proud and at peace with himself in a way he hadn’t dared to hope he’d ever feel. He’d found his home, a career his heart chose and his place in the insane, far too often cruel world. If that wasn’t the right time he’d been waiting for... Then he didn’t know what was.

Alec waited until everyone else had left before pulling Magnus towards the backroom. It was ridiculous how nervous he felt. “There’s, ah... a painting I didn’t put on display. Because... It’s kind of personal. Only meant for one person’s eyes.”

Magnus snorted but it was easy to see how touched and flattered the man was. “Oh? Another one? Lead the way, Michelangelo.” On their way to the backroom the dancer kissed his cheek. “Just in case it doesn’t show... I’m so proud of you that I have no words.”

For the first time in his life Alec could honestly say that he was proud of himself, too.

And nervous, even more so than a few steps and great many jumpy heartbeats ago. “I’d give you this whole speech. I planned one. But... I guess just showing it works better.” He opened the small room’s door.

Clary had been great help with his little plan. While he kept Magnus distracted, she’d filled the backroom with candles and set up a very special artwork. One on which the angel wasn’t alone, but had wrapped those stunning wings that weren’t entirely white around another person. Heavenly light surrounded the two figures while they kissed. And there, clearly visible on the angel’s finger, was an engagement ring.

Magnus’ eyes widened in realization. “Alexander, what...?” The man turned. To find him on one knee, offering the ring he bought a couple of weeks earlier.

If Alec felt nervous before by then he was shaking. “Things... They haven’t been easy. And... It took us a long time to get here. But, if there’s anything good about that wait... It’s that now, looking at you, I know exactly what I want. From the bottom of my heart.” Was he making any sense? He swallowed hard. “Magnus Bane, will you marry me?”

Magnus stared at him, as though not believing that it was all really happening.

After almost a full minute it became... disconcerting. “Magnus? Are you...?” Alec wasn’t given the chance to finish.

Suddenly Magnus was sitting on his lap, much like when they first admitted their feelings. Kissing him in a way that communicated more than a million words. There was no mistaking his answer. Eventually they had to break the kiss but their embrace only grew tighter. “Only if you’ll have me forever”, Magnus whispered.

/

/ _“Hey! Are you okay?”_

_“Yeah. Just... sore. Thank you, really. But... You shouldn’t have done that for me. They’ll go straight to the principal.”_

_“Let them. I wasn’t going to stand by and watch them attacking you, like everyone else. _ _I’m... I’m Alec.”_

_“Magnus.”_ /

That was how their story began, once upon a time. And a winter day, with snow falling softly on New York and sparkling like diamonds... Well. It wasn’t exactly how their story ended.

In a small chapel, with only their nearest and dearest witnessing, Alec and Magnus smiled at each other as they stood in front of an altar. Both their eyes were slightly moist, that crying would ruin the dancer’s makeup be damned. The vows they exchanged weren’t traditional but then, had anything about their relationship been conventional?

Alec couldn’t believe that there was a time when he imagined that what he felt in his heart just then was wrong. “I know that I fought my feelings and even happiness for a long time. And I regret how much I hurt you in the process.” He squeezed his beloved’s hands tenderly. “I swear to you that from now on, even when we argue I’ll always fight beside you rather than against you. Together we’re strong enough to take on anything.” Surely they’d proven as much by then. “And no matter how bad things get, I’ll never push you away again. Because you’re my home, and I love you more than anything else in this world. I’ll be yours forever.”

Magnus sniffled once, then tried to pretend that it never happened. “Neither of us had an easy route leading here. But it seems we’re destined to always find our way back to each other.” The man swallowed when his voice broke. “I’m aware that I’m far from perfect, and there are certain demons I’ll fight for the rest of my life. You’ve helped me believe that I may be strong enough to face them. And you’ve made me believe that even someone as broken as me deserves the kind of love you have for me. There are no words big enough to thank you for that gift.” They leaned their foreheads together. “You’re my world, Alexander. And I’ll be yours forever.”

It was how their perfectly imperfect forever began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaw! How’s that for a happy ending? (BEAMS)
> 
> DANG! I can’t believe that this is really over. (sniffles) THANK YOU, so, so much, for sticking with me through all the ups, downs and FEELS! It means SO MUCH to me that you’ve all taken this journey with me. (HUGS) And PLEASE, do let me hear from you! How did you like this ending?
> 
> And remember. While one tale closes, others open and remain active. (grins) Soooo... Maybe I’ll see you again one day?
> 
> In any case, once more thank you, and take care!


End file.
